Everybody’s A Wenner: The “Rolling Stone” Review-Section Revue

Welcome back to another edition of “Everybody’s A Wenner,” in which we look at Rolling Stone‘s 750-year-old record-reviews section, and try to prove the theory that every album earns a three-star rating–no matter how offensively bad that album may be. For a slightly more convoluted explanation, check out our first installment.

The latest issue of RS is one of the strangest in months, thanks to Rob Sheffield’s two-star finger-wag toward Eddie & the Cruisers’ the Killers’ Sam’s Town. Once you get past that rare moment of critical sanity, the triple-threat verdicts are everywhere: You get a three-star, Beyonce! You get a three-star, Primal Scream! As always, there’s nary a discouraging word to be found in the happy little world of RS: Everything’s great–even The Dutchess (three-and-half stars, which means it’s somehow just as good as the Hold Steady album).

Here’s the break-down:
Issue #: 1010
Total number of stars: 66 (including 8 three-star reviews)
Total number of reviews (excluding reissues): 21
Average grade (number of stars / number of reviews): 3.1, or 3 stars

Oh, and as for the Jack Nicholson piece? Apparently he’s still a bad boy, he and Scorsese had a crazy time on the set of the movie, and Lara Flynn Boyle is “beautiful, but a handful.” We didn’t actually read the story, but we guarantee that’s all in there.

  • Leto

    That’s about a 3% increase from last time. WOW.

  • The Assimilated Negro

    lara flynn, definitely not a handful. Maybe a *put your index finger and thumb together*-ful … i guess she could be a handful like a javelin is a handful.

  • The Assimilated Negro

    laray flynn boyle: Human Javelin. I would definitely see that band.

  • Dan Gibson

    The premise of this feature implies that someone on the Idolator staff subscribes to Rolling Stone. Say it ain’t so. Are they giving out free subscriptions like Spin has recently?

  • Chris Molanphy

    Hey DanGibson, didn’t you take advantage of the RS Lifetime Subscription? Not sure they’re still offerring it, but starting a coupla years ago, they made an offer I couldn’t refuse: for $99, you get Rolling Stone fo’ life (try tattooing that on yr abdomen). In return for you saving thousands of dollars over time (on…er, a magazine you might not want anyway, but bear with me), Wenner & co. get permanently inflated ad run-rates.

    I took them up on it about two-three years ago, and according to my subscription “label” (the white box with digiprint on the front, but yaknowwhatImean), my subscription ends on my birthday in 2054. That’s right, Rolling Stone knows when I am going to die! On my 83rd birthday, apparently – which, given ever-increasing average lifespans, means I better layoff the doughnuts, or the glib celebrity magazines, or something.

  • JT kremer

    Why so much The Killers bashing? Music about ones own opinions, and reviews on music is something I would never spend money on.
    I don’t care what RS thinks, but I think the new album is very beautifully done.

  • FionaScrapple

    In 1977, RS gave Black Sabbath – Sabotage a 1 star review
    In 2005, RS gave The White Stripes – Devil’s B-sides and Satan’s Outtakes a 5 star review

    What does that mean???

    It means that I give RS a cumulative, lifetime (yes, until 2053!) review of exactly 2.6 stars. This rating is permanent and fixed. It would take 1000 Pink Floyd – Animals to raise it 1/10th of a star.

    PS – RS should put Scarlett Johannson on the cover…SOON!