Musical Artillery: What To Play When Your Friends Won’t Go Away

Oct 17th, 2006 // 23 Comments

Party.jpgSerge the Concierge offers a list of party-killing songs for hosts and hostesses who are growing weary of their guests–although some of his selctions (especially Neu!) would probably cause our guests to stick around even longer, debating the virtues of each individual song until the sun comes up. When we want to get rid of people, we want to play really lousy music–but we’re stumped as far as what song would make people run for their coats after one verse. So we’re throwing it open to you:

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(And yes, we know that some people will listen to anything when they’re drunk. In that case, you’re on your own.)

Music As A Weapon To Deal With Lingering Guests [Serge the Concierge]

  1. AcilletaM

    Um, yeah depends on the group but:

    -Iron Horse’s bluegrass version of Metallica’s Fuel
    -Glen Campbell Wichita Lineman
    -Any Winger

  2. millwhistle

    verses? lyrics? no no no, all wrong. what really frightens the drunks at 3 a.m. is a nice loud thurston moore 18-minute solo feedback freakout. preferably through a busted speaker. they’ll put their coats on every time.

  3. PengIn

    Hmmm. People love crap, so I’ll have to go with something that not horrible, more aggressively mediocre. Let’s say, Tall Cool One by Robert Plant. It’s not so good that poeple would want to listen to it, but it’s not bad enough to attract the “Snakes On A Plane” types.

  4. xboxishuge

    Philistines. The one true answer is Europe – “The Final Countdown”.

  5. ohHELLnaw

    “Metal Machine Music” – Lou Reed

  6. sovietpanda

    if the people you want to leave aren’t music-heads or whatever, “Sister Ray”. that saved me a few times in my freshman dorm room

  7. evenodds

    “Bia Bia” by Lil Jon & the East Side Boyz

    “You Never Even Call Me By My Name” by David Allen Coe
    (Recognized as the classic bar-clearing, end of night, get the fuck out song in Austin. Bonus: guests will sing it as they leave, which provides minutes of near-hilarity.)

    Anything by Bela Fleck and the Flecktones to clear my friends.

    Anything from Cash Money Millionaires (excluding classic Juvi) to clear his friends.

  8. SirLoin

    This is an easy one – “Stabbed in the Face” by Wolf Eyes. No, it’s not metal, it’s more like what the soundtrack to hell would sound like. And not in some fun, haunted-housey way, like seriously, hell. So not party music.

  9. Maura Johnston

    Tall Cool One by Robert Plant

    Wow. I think this is a very strong contender. (And I don’t know about you guys, but among my friends, putting on “The Final Countdown” would lead right to insistences that I put on an Arrested Development DVD.)

  10. Andy Beta

    Metal Machine Music scours any and all rooms in the house.

  11. Chris Molanphy

    Second on “The Final Countdown.”

    The lyric tells you it’s time to go. The synth hook tells you, run NOW, lest this crapitude remain embedded in your brain for weeks.

  12. quincyhoist

    * John Cale – Sun Blindness Music
    * Keiji Haino – 21st Centry Hard-y Guide-y Man
    * William Basinski – The Disintigration Loops

    That’s one of the collections of recordings that help Cale to be listed as the “experimental” Velvet… lots of detuned viola scrape without the influence of Lou’s teenage druggy blues.

    The Haino set is kinda like that, but replacing viola with a medieval hurdy gurdy along with a lot of whispered moaning.

    Basinski’s loopwork is basically the sonic equivalent of staring out a frosted car window at an abandoned farmhouse.

    Partee time!

  13. mickeyprecious

    Whoa, you can’t be serious. If ever a party-rocker existed, then Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back To My Room) is it!

    I would love to follow that up with Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)

  14. Serge the Concierge

    Thanks for mentioning ‘Serge the Concierge’.

    On a more positive note than ‘Ejecting Tardy Guests’, I wrote my (post surgery) ‘Rest & Recovery’ soundtrack back in September.

    Here’s the Link

    Take care


  15. e_b

    I can’t believe no one’s mentioned xiu xiu… as much as I love it, playing either ‘Nieces Pieces’ or ‘I Broke Up’ will pretty much assure a mass exodus out of your apartment — although people might skip the stairs and just use the windows.

  16. twofivefour

    Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back To My Room) by Paul Lekakis usually gets everyone out. A Fantomas chaser clears out the stragglers.
    And that is why I always add every song from a compilation album to my playlist.

  17. myrrh

    My main goal when driving people out of a party is not to drive myself nuts in so doing. Experience tends to favor Merzbow.

  18. FraiseFraise

    Proving that Ronald Reagan isn’t the only poseur Boss fan in the world, I’ve found that most folks can’t handle an entire Springsteen album. You can (as I’ve done) clear a room with something as user-friendly as his greatest hits collection, but go with Nebraska just to be safe.

  19. Clare

    Despite that fact that both songs have five stars in my iTunes, “Brandy” by Looking Glass and “Into the Night” by Benny Mardones are outstanding party-killers.

  20. any such name

    “closing time” by semisonic.

    what, too obvious?

  21. anarren

    I think these may be less likely to send people home than to prompt them to hold an Intervention.

  22. Kattullus

    Personally, if I really wanted to clear out a party, I’d blast Jonathan Richman’s version of The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round. People might hit me in the face as they left, but they’d leave. I have a friend who dreams of one day pouring a mountain of change into the jukebox of a crowded bar and selecting Happy Xmas (War is Over) over and over again, just to see what would happen. That song on repeat, I imagine, would clear out all parties/clubs/wars.

    Though, in the spirit of obscurityoneupmanship, I’d want to go with Yasunao Tone’s and Florian Hecker’s Palimpsest. Though, I suppose, it might not qualify as a “song.”

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