Faith Hill’s Freak-Out: The Zapruder-Like Breakdown

We’re torn about Faith Hill’s possible flame-out last night at the Country Music Awards: On one hand, we don’t want to contribute to what will be an inevitable parade of media B.S. over this thing, especially on an election day; on the other hand, we’re starting to think maybe she really did storm off angrily (especially now that one of her reps is claiming she didn’t know she had a camera in front of her, a blatant lie).

Anyway, we’ve examined the footage over and over again to suss out what really happened. Our CSI-like analysis follows.

“Here I am, America–just another humble lil’ country gal with a cutey-pie face, three loving kids, and an $89 million-earning concert tour.”

“Me? Female artist of the year? Why, I never! I just don’t know what to–“

“What? Carrie who? That little bitch from Muskogee? I was writing songs for Jerry Bruckheimer back when she was still farting out ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’!”

“Screw this. I did not go on Oprah and talk about Katrina victims just to lose to some girl who models for Skecher ads. Tim, get the Gulfstream ready.”

And then she goes back, and to the left. It’s your call, America.