By now, you’ve no been downwind long enough to get word of the double-dénouement lacklusterfuck involving Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson, Hilary Duff and Joel Madden; if media coverage is any indication, these four are more important than Bush’s visit to the Middle East, but still not as newsworthy as Michael Richards’ breakdown. So how will this all shake out musically? Our predictions:
- Duff will finally be abandoned by the over-reaching anti-rockists (cough) who have strained their backs trying to convince us she’s actually compelling.
- Madden will promote next spring’s new Good Charlotte album by tacking on a ska-punk version of “Tears Of A Clown.” He will then leer at every barely legal, semi-hot radio-station receptionist for approximately six months.
- In an effort to reclaim his masculinity–and prove his never-exactly-questioned patriotism–Kid Rock will sodomize a bald eagle while singing his new anthem “America The Booty-ful (United States Of A.S.S.)”
- Pam Anderson will throw a $14 vodka-cranberry at aforementioned bald eagle outside of a West Hollywood nightclub.