EXCLUSIVE: The Britney Spears Letter She Maybe Sort Of Didn’t Want You To See

As you’ll no doubt read a zillion times, Britney Spears posted a letter addressing her recent lack of underwear on her website today. However, if you root around on the site’s source code and do some Google cache searches, you’ll find the original letter, which went up around 3:34 A.M., and was quickly taken down. We couldn’t get a screenshot, but a full transcription follows…

Hey y’all! Not to throw you the heavy shit, but you ever feel like you’re livin’ in the land of forever-refracted self-parody? I mean, is there anything remotely interesting or salvageable about me left? Even as a singer? Like, maybe, the schlocky novelty of my own existence now outweighs any musical contributions I might have made years ago?

Shit, hold a sec, I gotta text my brand manager in Dubai.

Alright, so anyway, you guys ain’t helping me much, you know? You act all nice to my grill–and I’m talking about you, David Letterman and Janice Min!–and pretend to be nurturing and supportive when I decide to play the game and show up. But you really just want to keep my self-esteem going so you can milk it the next time I send it spiraling down again. It’s a vicious cycle of complicit media exploitation, y’all!!!

So maybe everyone needs to get like Stevie Nicks and stand the fuck back. I should just go back to making club songs, and you should just go back to accepting the idea that pop singers have been and always will be dumber than dodo (doo-doo?) birds. When I flashed my hoo-hah in the back of a limo, it was more than just a way to promote my new concert DVD; it was a way for me to intentionally hit the lowest of the low, so you’d have nothing left to surmise or criticize. This creepy media-fan-artist relationship is through! I AM CUTTING THE CORD.

Well, not really, cause that’s kinda gross and shit.

Love,

B