The Trajectory: Predicting Van Halen’s Inevitable Reunion-Tour Eruption

Dec 13th, 2006 // 8 Comments

For the twelfth time in the last decade or so, there’s talk that a reunion between oft-grinning skeleton Eddie Van Halen and beloved morning-radio DJ David Lee Roth could actually happen. Herewith, Idolator presents The Trajectory(TM), a new feature in which we chronicle an important musical event before it even occurs. Our predictions for Eddie and Dave’s next adventure:

1/12/07: Roth and the Van Halen brothers meet at a Hamburger Hamlet outside of LAX (it’s Dave’s treat) to discuss the possibility of a reunion tour. Because all of them are in need of extra money–particularly Alex Van Halen, whose aviator-sunglasses addiction is described as “crippling”–they agree to a three-month jaunt.

3/18/07: The contracts are finalized, though Roth’s last-minute insistence that every legal document be appended with a “Skebadee-skebadee-woo-ah!” scat causes concern within management.

4/1/07: The group holds a press conference on the Sunset Strip to announce the tour. Roth insists on wearing overalls, a bowler hat, and roller skates; Eddie Van Halen announces that he has stopped smoking cigarettes, but will continue to eat two packs a day.

4/2/07: Sammy Hagar appears on the Howard Stern show to attack the reunion, and to promote his new line of “Wabo Wasabi” sauces.

5/11/07: The tour opens in Anaheim, Ca. Roth’s backstage entourage includes fourteen strippers, three nurses, and one stripper dressed as a nurse.

6/08/07: While playing a gig in Philadelphia, Roth hits several bad notes. He leaves the stage after Wolfgang Van Halen taunts him by saying, “Oh, you ate one, two?”

7/23/07: Backstage at the tour-closing final show, Roth and the Van Halen brothers feud loudly over royalty points on the band’s merch, which includes a $75 sweatband. The three storm off separately, vowing to never speak again.

7/24/07: Rumors of the VH2008 tour begin to circulate on the Internet.

idolator

  1. PengIn

    That sounds about right. Also, at some point I envision Michael Anthony sneaking backstage to steal a sandwich and as much liquor as he can carry.

  2. mackro

    8/08/07: a mysterious ad from a major soda pop company graces the airwaves without warning. Images of Roth and Van Halen past appear in a blurred blipvert. Tense bass rumbles in the background making the viewers excited and tense while watching the ad!

    And then… It’s happening! VH08! And there’s a new product that’s going to sponsor the VH08 tour…

    Crystal Coke!

    Half of America has a heart attack.

  3. mackro

    8/20/07: During a Roth/Eddie press release, fans are disappointed to find out that Michael Anthony has decided to eject himself from the reunion. But not so fast! They have found a replacement.

    His name.

    ROB REDICK!

    (you know, the bassist from Candlebox… or the replacement Candlebox bassist, as he’s also the guy that used to be in 16 Horsepower… guys? hello0000?)

  4. Spiny Norman

    That would just make music bloggers’ lives too easy. It probably goes more like: Tour rumored: many too many candid pictures appear. Tour scheduled: Too many oldsters find out they can’t party all night like they could in 1978 and ambulances appear to cart off the carnage. Tour cancelled: Rehab? Diamond Dave clothing crisis? Promoter greed overdose? Tour Rescheduled: Refunds? Who said anything about refunds? Tour lurches balking through the U.S. and Japan: Old people buy a billion dollars worth of not very cool T-shirts, Entertainment Tonight! gets enough coverage to sicken even that audience. Tour Crashes and Burns in Europe: Where other bands are relevant. 2008 Tour is Planned: Why not?

  5. noamjamski

    8/20/07 – it is announced that Van Halen will be the stars of the third season of Rock Star.

    The judges- David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar and Gary Cherone.

  6. Bob Loblaw

    This is some funny stuff. So are the World Leader Playlists (BTW, my friend at the UN hears that Pervez Musharraf looooves the Cold War Kids, and thinks Pitchfork should just chill the fuck out). More flights of fancy and less music-wonk items, please.

  7. SlimShadenfruede

    I was having dinner with a well-known sound man before a gig recently and the restaurant was playing Michael Jackson’s greatest hits. The question came up about Eddie’s contribution to the solo on “Beat it”. So the sound dude had Eddie’s number on his phone so he text’s him “Beat it, Just a quick take or a few?”

    Eddie V texts him back saying that he did 3 takes and they put the best together. funny.

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