For the twelfth time in the last decade or so, there’s talk that a reunion between oft-grinning skeleton Eddie Van Halen and beloved morning-radio DJ David Lee Roth could actually happen. Herewith, Idolator presents The Trajectory(TM), a new feature in which we chronicle an important musical event before it even occurs. Our predictions for Eddie and Dave’s next adventure:
1/12/07: Roth and the Van Halen brothers meet at a Hamburger Hamlet outside of LAX (it’s Dave’s treat) to discuss the possibility of a reunion tour. Because all of them are in need of extra money–particularly Alex Van Halen, whose aviator-sunglasses addiction is described as “crippling”–they agree to a three-month jaunt.
3/18/07: The contracts are finalized, though Roth’s last-minute insistence that every legal document be appended with a “Skebadee-skebadee-woo-ah!” scat causes concern within management.
4/1/07: The group holds a press conference on the Sunset Strip to announce the tour. Roth insists on wearing overalls, a bowler hat, and roller skates; Eddie Van Halen announces that he has stopped smoking cigarettes, but will continue to eat two packs a day.
4/2/07: Sammy Hagar appears on the Howard Stern show to attack the reunion, and to promote his new line of “Wabo Wasabi” sauces.
5/11/07: The tour opens in Anaheim, Ca. Roth’s backstage entourage includes fourteen strippers, three nurses, and one stripper dressed as a nurse.
6/08/07: While playing a gig in Philadelphia, Roth hits several bad notes. He leaves the stage after Wolfgang Van Halen taunts him by saying, “Oh, you ate one, two?”
7/23/07: Backstage at the tour-closing final show, Roth and the Van Halen brothers feud loudly over royalty points on the band’s merch, which includes a $75 sweatband. The three storm off separately, vowing to never speak again.
7/24/07: Rumors of the VH2008 tour begin to circulate on the Internet.