Check Your Head: A Guide To Pop-Star Prophylactics

Jan 10th, 2007 // 7 Comments

fittydrawers.jpgNow that 50 Cent has announced his entry into the condom business–as he says in a press release, “You’re either a lubrican or a lubricant”–perhaps it’s time to look back at the other Top 40 stars who have branched into the safe-sex industry. After all, Fitty is hardly the first: Frankie Goes To Hollywood gave one away with a 1987 cassingle, and Aerosmith subtly sent one out as a promotional item for the group’s “Pink” single. Sophie B. Hawkins, meanwhile, is still making a mint from “Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover!” dental dams. After the click-through, our users’ guide to some of the most rockin’ rubbers of all time:

u2jimmie.JPGU2′s “Achtung Baby” tour condom (199?)
PROS: Sold during the band’s early-’90s Zoo TV jaunts, and guaranteed to last for the duration of one of Bono’s mid-song “Bullet The Blue Sky” speeches.
CONS: Who’s gonna ride your wild horses when you’re using a 15-year-old rubber?

madonnacondoms.jpgMadonna condom (2001)
NICKNAME: Papa Don’t Breach
PROS: These unauthorized imports feature images from Madge’s infamous mid-’80s nude-photo sessions.
CONS: A disappointed Danny Aiello will glower at you from the room next door if you use them incorrectly.

kisskondom.jpgKiss Kondoms (2002)
NICKNAME: The Love Gun
PROS: Combines the thrill of schlocky merchandising tie-ins with the forced comedy of strained alliterations.
CONS: Every 100th condom shipped arrives at your door attached to Gene Simmons.

  1. SupraCute

    U2 also sold condoms on their POP tour, which was only slightly better than if they sold condoms on their SHIT, IT BROKE tour.

  2. Halfwit

    I don’t know what’s more boner-inhibiting about the Kiss Kondoms – the horrific visage of Gene Simmons, or the concept of “tongue lubricated”

  3. kiteless

    Is it just my generation that has no idea what a dental dam is or am I correct in assuming nobody has seen/used one in the past 15 years?

  4. Mr. Kim Gordons Panties

    I think a dental dam is an inter-oral barrier intended to prevent excess drool and/or conversation during sex.

  5. brainchild

    let’s not forget Prince’s “Purple Raincoats” that used to be available thru his mail order service back in the ’90s.

  6. deusdiabolus

    The electronica duo known as Lemon Jelly released a series of limited-edition records with hand-crafted sleeves, and one of them (known as Soft/Rock) was packaged in a sleeve designed like a pair of denim shorts (made of actual denim, of course), with a flavored condom in the key pocket (the flavors varied).

    See a photo here:

  7. VanTwee

    Kid Rock and Yung Joc both sent out promotional condoms recently. Great minds, I guess. The Kid Rock rubber that showed up where I work was depressingly small, and nobody but me ended up taking home the giant pile of somewhat sketchy-looking “Joc Straps,” which lent my apartment a school-nurse vibe for a few weeks.

    Yes, I did manage to employ some of them. No, I’m not proud.

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