Everybody’s A Wenner: The “Rolling Stone” Review-Section Revue

Jan 18th, 2007 // 2 Comments

Whenever a new issue of Rolling Stone arrives, we plunge immediately into the magazine’s review section, eager to mock the fact that just about every album gets the same three-star review.

But today, we sit flat-assed and gobsmacked on the floor, as the new issue of RS contains absolutely NO three-star reviews! Granted, there are only a dozen write-ups, but all of them avoid the triple-dipper: Hyphy Hitz? Three and a half stars. Taylor Hicks? Two stars! Romanian violinist Ion Petre Stoican? Four stars! (We really didn’t see that last one coming.)

So maybe the Stoners are listening to us, and we’ve showed them the error of giving a bunch of albums nearly indistinguishable grades (or maybe it’s just a slow week, and all the edit space went to marking the deaths of James Brown, Ahmet Ertegun, and I’m From Rolling Stone). But on the very off-chance that someone over there is paying attention, could you now please do something about “Smoking Section”? We know, we know–it’s supposed to be a return to Cameron Crowe’s “I’m with the band” heyday. But it really comes across like a ninth-grader sitting in homeroom on the first day after summer break, bragging about how many girls he Frenched, and mentioning that he had a 10-minute phoner with Joe Perry about BBQ sauce.

Issue #: 1018
Total number of reviews (excluding reissues): 12
Total number of three-star reviews: 0
Total percentage of reviews that are three-star reviews: 0 percent
Number of RS pages dedicated to some sort of new extreme-skiing trend: 3
Everybody’s A Wenner [archive]

  1. Chris Molanphy

    Few things I noticed about this new issue, all dead-guy-related:

    Its tardiness – This is the latest I’ve seen a post-Christmas Stone come out in all the years I’ve been a subcriber (for the record, 20). I can imagine the groans that must’ve ensued at Avenue of the Americas when Soul Brother Number One died right on Christmas, totally detonating their production schedule. At least Ahmet had the good taste to day two weeks before, giving them plenty of time to get his obit-fest set up.

    Favoritism between dead guys – I realize they had less time to put together the Brown section, and they did give Soul Brother #1 the cover; but Ertegun’s tribute section dwarfs James’s by a factor of almost two to one – never mind Jann’s tearful editorial about Ahmet, his yachting buddy.

  2. themeparkexperience

    I wonder if that “Three Stars is Never Having to Say You’re Sorry” sign is still up at RS’s office.

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