Better Off Ted: The Letter The Nuge Doesn’t Want You To See

As you no doubt heard, Ted Nugent got into some trouble this week, after he performed at an inaugural rally for incumbent Texas governor Rick Perry while wearing a confederate flag. But it could have been worse: One of our Texas tipsters works in Gov. Perry’s office, and we’ve just seen a copy of a letter faxed to Nugent shortly before the performance, cautioning him to rein in his controversial act.

Dear Mr. Nugent,

Governor Perry would like to extend his deepest gratitude to you for agreeing to perform at next week’s inaugural ball. He’s a big fan of your work, and I speak for much of the office staff when I say that we can’t wait to meet the man who sang “Cat Scratch Fever”!

Your tour manager faxed over a list of your rider and tech requirements for the performance, and while we’ll do whatever we can to accommodate you, we’re having trouble filling some of these requests. Please take a look at the following itemized list, and feel free to email me at [address redacted] if you have any questions or concerns.

· Under Texas state agricultural guidelines, we cannot legally obtain “six (6) female gazelles and three (3) lucky gafellas” for “undisclosed recreational purposes” in a backstage pen.

· Because our overall budget allotment for this event has been capped at $55,000, we are unable to provide the ample back-up generators that would allow us to maintain a “15′ x 40′ 200-watt text-display grid.” However, we can shorten the text; do you have any suggestions as to how to condense “Check the tags before you pull the wool”?

·According to our military sources, F-117 Nighthawk Stealth bombers are not available to rent out on an hourly basis.

· The fire inspector only approves effigies that are submitted three months before their scheduled burnings.

· This is less of a guideline and more of a suggestion, but I believe “cooter” is spelled with two O’s, not four.

Thanks again for your time,

[Redacted]