Idolator’s American Idolatry: What We Learned From The Clip Show

Last night’s episode of American Idol was a run-up-the-ratings “best of” show structured around “lessons” for Idol hopefuls. In the spirit of that theme–and because we can’t grade Paula on her slurred speech and hiding under the table–we’re going to take a similar tack. After the jump, five lessons we gleaned from watching last night’s odds-and-sods collection.

1. If you’re going to dress like a cracked-out flapper, like Krista Fazzino (above) did, at least take the time to find a strand of fake pearls.

2. No matter how squeaky-clean you present yourself–say, as a carhop on rollerskates–someone’s going to dig up the dirt about the time you played touch football in your skivvies for cash.

3. Beatboxing may not get you through to the Hollywood round, but it will get you name-checked. Doing the worm, however, will earn you nothing but three anonymous seconds of ridicule.

4. On a similar note: Don’t be too exuberant after your win, or your audition footage may be bypassed in favor of repeated shots of you celebrating. Case in point: Does anyone even know the name of the young lady who was shown splashing around the fountain after being given her golden ticket? We’ve seen her about five times, but all we remember is that her shirt actually had the Internet-ready phrase “ur Idol” on it.

5. It doesn’t matter how much material from the previous seven audition episodes you recycle. People are still going to tune in by the boatload, and they may even sit through Bones.

American Idol [americanidol.com] Earlier: Idolator’s American Idolatry archives