For years, political experts and pop-star stalkers have been meeting together in D.C. and Los Angeles, secretly debating a question that many of us have wondered, but never dared ask aloud: “Are Britney Spears and President Bush in cahoots?” And after this weekend’s coif-cutting meltdown, we finally have definitive, indisputable proof that the answer is yes.
You see, conspiracy theorists such as ourselves have long believed that the 25-year-old Spears is an off-the-books employee of the Bush administration, one who’s kept on retainer with a monthly stipend of Ding-Dongs and Captain Morgan mini-bottles. Her mission is simple: Whenever the president is facing a potentially iffy public-relations fiasco, she must steal his thunder by flailing and sputtering around in public, thereby ensuring that her name always stays atop CNN.com’s “Most Popular” story list. Her most recent public outburst–during which the singer ducked out of rehab and shaved her head–was an especially headline-grabbing feat, one that just happened to occur as Bush was announcing the reformation of Al Qaeda. But to those of us who have been paying attention, it was just the latest in a long line of convenientally timed escapades:
November 6, 2006
PRESIDENT BUSH‘s Republican party faces one of its most hotly contested elections in years, with 33 Senate seats and 435 House seats up for grabs; meanwhile, BRITNEY SPEARS faces one of her most hotly contested separations in years, announcing her split with Kevin Federline.
April 11, 2006
The Washington Post reports that, thanks to the ceaseless casualties of the Iraq war, PRESIDENT BUSH’s approval ratings have hit an all-time low of 38 percent; meanwhile, the Associated Press reports that, thanks to ceaseless questions from Malibu child-welfare agents, BRITNEY SPEARS‘ parenting skills have hit an all-time low.
January 5, 2004
PRESIDENT BUSH attempts to divorce himself from the Valerie Plame scandal, encouraging his staff to talk to investigators; meanwhile, BRITNEY SPEARS attempts to divorce herself from Jason Alexander, discouraging her soon-to-be-ex from talking to the press.
February 15, 2002
PRESIDENT BUSH authorizes a plan to dump 77,000 tons of radioactive waste in a mountain in Nevada, despite local opposition; meanwhile, BRITNEY SPEARS dumps out Crossroads, her first movie.
Coincidence? We think not: Don’t forget that this is the same singer who defended Bush in the last Michael Moore movie, and who was rumored to have been caught “mid-canoodle” with Karl Rove during a 2002 Cirque de Soleil show in Rome. Sometimes she runs–and sometimes she hides–but Spears’ wild-style behavior is always just a few heartbeats away from the presidency.