We don’t expect
New Times NYC the Village Voice to take the antics of Canadian eyeliner fiend Avril Lavigne seriously, but that didn’t stop us from being left dumbstruck by Garrett Kamps’ review of Lavigne’s new single, which reaches crit-dickery levels that we haven’t seen in at least a few weeks. The review in full:
Holy shit. Actually, think about those two words for a second: holy shit. Sacred, profane, magnanimous pointlessness. What a concept! This song is like a Zen Buddhist koan. A Zen Buddhist koan that sounds like the Go-Go’s and features the line, “She’s, like, so whatever.” Big-budget production is getting so awesome these days. Five years from now, sound will be so loud, sharp, and dangerous we’ll just drop boomboxes playing this stuff onto Tehran. “Girlfriend” is produced by Dr. Luke. I mean, this tune is produced by a guy who calls himself “Dr. Luke”! (He has a PhD in jammers; herpetology didn’t stick.) Dr. Luke is who you’d get if you made Rick Rubin shave his beard, pop Paxil, and fly around in a jet pack wearing a Lycra jumpsuit. Dr. Luke raped me.
There’s so much edge in that paragraph, we thought we were going to get cut–a meditation on the koan-like properties of the phrase “holy shit” (so out-there!) and a self-directed rape joke (provocative!)? It even manages to wrangle the words “awesome,” “Rick Rubin,” and “Tehran” in there, which is like whoa. We can’t wait for Kamps’ next singles-column installment; we’re just wondering if he’s going to shoehorn his inevitable goatse.cx reference into his defense of Katharine McPhee or his pillorying of the Arcade Fire.