Pick of the Fork: Your Wordsmiths (Christ, Why Don’t We Just Say “Scribes”?) Revealed

May 31st, 2007 // 4 Comments

pitchfork.jpgPsyche! The quotes we used were all from Pitchfork! Joke’s on…somebody. We’ll get back to you as to whom–for now, here are the quotes, the reviews they were culled from, and, of course, their authors:

“Modest Mouse generate a divide between the venerating and violent like few other bands. The latter of which currently questions my ascertations. Wipe the slate clean. You officially have not heard Modest Mouse until you have heard their major label debut. The growth, bravery, and confidence are staggering for a trio that most recently hammered through a song about ‘doin’ the cockroach.’” – Modest Mouse, The Moon and Antarctica (a 9.8 by Brent DiCrescenzo sometime in the depths of 1999 or 2000 or whenever the hell that record came out, and 13.6% of the vote)

“I can think of few pop songwriters who’ve delivered their diaries with enough conviction to transcend the medieval, lifeless nature of oral tradition, and I can think of only one other rock critic as touched by The Final Cut as I’ve been over the years. Kurt Loder awarded The Final Cut Rolling Stone’s sacrosanct five star rating in issue 393, comparing Waters’ gripping linear narrative to its only conceivable peer, master storyteller Bob Dylan. An unflinching, out of control spiral toward the center of paternal identity, Britain’s stiff upper lip, and the idiocy of war, The Final Cut fulfills the promise of The Wall‘s most poignant moments, gutting sons, soldiers, and the unknowing inheritors of their sacrifices eight ways from Sunday.”- Pink Floyd, The Final Cut (a completely inexplicable 9.0 by Chris Ott on November 3, 2003 and 18.4% of the vote)

“There’s something irresistible about that Chan Marshall. Recording under the Cat Power moniker, she’s got a magic coolness that only certain guitar-totin’ girls come equipped with. You know what I’m talkin’ about– Beth Orton’s got the Magic Cool, too. You can’t really pinpoint any particularly cool things these girls; they’re just cool. And somehow, the new Cat Power record is proof positive that Marshall is the coolest on the planet.” – Cat Power, Moon Pix (a 7.4 by Ryan Schreiber on November 1, 1998 and 38.8% of the vote)

“‘She’s the One’ stretches the strums of the Champion Versions EP across a full 70mm print, pumping the mix full of Technicolor detail. It’s not saying much except “I’m in love,” but it does so with such swirling, ringing conviction that even professional cynics like me have used it as a soundtrack to going head over heels. “Dr. Baker” starts out hungover in bed watching drips of piano against the window, but, by the second verse, a lost calliope has burst into the bedroom.” – The Beta Band, The Best of the Beta Band (a 7.2 by Jess Harvell on October 4, 2005 and 29.1% of the vote)

Pitchfork [pitchforkmedia.com]

  1. gregcoff

    Isn’t it a bit weird to include one of one’s own reviews, even if it is ostensibly for the purpose of mocking it?

  2. stylustodd

    Any album with Roger Waters rapping deserves a 9.0 — at the very least.

  3. parrotrunner

    keywords:

    Modest Mouse
    major label debut
    bravery
    staggering
    hammered
    conviction
    transcend
    critic
    gripping linear narrative
    master storyteller Bob Dylan
    unflinching
    spiral
    irresistible
    moniker
    magic coolness
    coolest on the planet
    Technicolor detail
    swirling, ringing conviction
    calliope

  4. Dick Laurent is dead.

    No surprise on that first one, Brent wrote the equally unreadable review for Radiohead’s “Kid A”.

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