Adam Levine Has A Smaller Prick Than Previously Reported

Aug 20th, 2007 // 16 Comments

maroon5.jpgHey, remember when Maura compared Maroon 5′s Adam Levine to Greg Dulli and everybody had a shitfit in the comments box because how dare we sully Dulli’s, uh, good name? Well, judging by recent comments he made about his ex, tennis player Maria Sharapova, the handsome metrosexual/complete a-hole may be even grosser than the pudgy prince of soulful white dude woman-hatin’:

“She wouldn’t make any noise during sex,” Levine said. “I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it ‘ruined her concentration.’ It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny.”

Now that’s a stand-up guy. Apparently what jail is really like is a world-famous sports star who won’t squeal to your satisfaction in the sack. If only he could get some of that off-the-cuff hatefulness and complete disregard for human decency into his music, we might squeeze a lite-funk Gentlemen out of this douche yet.

In Brief [Exile via Radar]

  1. tigerpop

    I’ve heard the Easter Bunny is pretty great in the sack.

  2. Jerkwheat

    as if Adam Levine could properly pleasure her anyway

  3. SomeSound-MostlyFury

    Wait, she didn’t make any noise during sex and she had to concentrate really hard…..and that’s a problem with HER?
    I think your headline might need to be changed to Adam Levine Has A Smaller Prick Than Previously Reported….

  4. Nicolars

    Doesn’t that just mean he’s such a dud in bed that he can’t even get a woman excited? Advertising his lack of skills in the media is actually performing a public service for the ladies of the world.

  5. Julio Allison

    Really? Because she moaned plenty with me, you insufferable fucking douchebag.

    And speaking of not making noise, how’s about you and your partners in Pottery-Barn-mixtape-girl-funk ive it a rest with the “music” already.

    Seriously. Your voice sounds like Stevie Wonder’s penis singing.

  6. Signal to Noise

    He went on an anti-depressant because of this. Really all anyone needs to know.

    Sharapova was trying to “concentrate” by pretending Levine was someone else.

  7. Jess Harvell

    @SomeSound-MostlyFury: thy will be done.

  8. Bob Loblaw

    It’s kind of weird to find myself defending Adam Levine, but:

    1) According to whom? Radar via a “prankster” Russian alt-weekly that
    doesn’t name a source? Some kid in an internet cafe in St. Petersburg
    got a quote from Adam Levine? Love the blog echo-chamber though…
    2) Inhibited sex is the WORST.

  9. Julio Allison

    @Bob Loblaw:

    Awww, c’mon…don’t be a wet blanket, dude!

  10. Jess Harvell

    @Bob Loblaw: even if this turns out to be internet japery, i feel my hatin’ on this tool has adhered to the spirit of the truth, if not the letter

  11. Jess Harvell

    @Bob Loblaw: agree with you on #2, however.

  12. Bob Loblaw

    @KingHater: It’s kind of a “LALALALALA, I
    can’t heeeeaar you” thing. I really find myself wanting there to be a
    clean, tight, unembarrassing band of mainstream hitmakers out there,
    and I’m still trying to convince myself that Maroon 5 could fit the
    bill. (But please, don’t let me ruin the fun. As you were, KingHater.)

    @jessdolator: When I see this story on the Daily 10 tonight, I’m blaming you.

  13. Ted Striker

    The Sun (UK) was the original source, fwiw. Even though it’s a Brit tabloid, it still sounds like something Levine would say.

  14. TheMojoPin

    I don’t care about Whitey McAntiSoul banging some commie tennis broad…I was all set for a bonafide Idolator “shitfit” over the comparison between him and Greg! Sadly, I was very let down. Half a dozen comments or so do NOT make up a “shitfit.” BOOOOOO FALSE ADVERTISING.

  15. Lucas Jensen

    Maybe he should read up on the clitoris.

  16. Maroon5Lover

    So I absolutely love Maroon 5′s music and think that Adam Levine is HOT, but I didn’t understand why people thought he was a douche so I looked it up and came across this. Most fans get mad but I started laughing hysterically, this is absolutely hilarious. He really is douche:p hahahahaha!

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