By now it’s no secret that the internet is a haven for bored teenagers, music fans, and individuals with unique proclivities, groups which intersect as often as not. Online fan-fiction has existed since the early days of the web, but only in the last few years has a scene so perfectly tailored to the form seeped into popular culture. Designed to appeal to introverted, overwrought, sexually frustrated adolescents, the pale waifs parading around the emo universe–with their snug pants, same-sex makeout sessions, and penchant for eye makeup–practically beg to be objectified by horny teens. And one GreatestJournal group, discovered after putting together our own male-objectification list, exemplifies the farcical tone and tenor of emo fan-fiction fandom. It’s also a little like watching nature-show rutting if all the animals were wearing girl’s jeans:
The Bandflesh group is a 40-member collective of emo devotees who write round robin stories featuring Gerard and MIkey Way of My Chemical Romance, Pete Wentz and Patrick Stump of Fallout Boy, William Beckett of The Academy Is…, Brendon Urie of Panic! At the Disco, and many other musicians associated with the genre. Some of the stories are set in a strange alternate universe emo high school called St. Danzig’s–these kids are more clever than you give them credit for!–complete with a prom and a principal (represented by a picture of Samuel L. Jackson). Others are just good ol’ fashioned porn. The most disturbing aspect has to be the Gerard/Mikey incest angle. (Though to be fair, the female twin-on-twin fantasy rarely rates a second thought.)
When we dropped in on the action over at St. Danzig’s, things were heating up in the library where Patrick Stump is trying to study and William Beckett refuses to lower his erection to a whisper:
WILLIAM: Patrick! *straddles a chair* My wrists are still chafed from the ropes. Kiss it better?
PATRICK: We’re in a public place!
WILLIAM: *bats eyelashes* It’s first aid. You can’t get in trouble for just playing doctor, can you?
PATRICK: Uhhhh. I think the first aid you want is not going to be okay with the librarian.
WILLIAM: We can hide in the reference section. It’s the only action it ever gets.
PATRICK: *is indecisive* Someone is going to catch us…
WILLIAM: No, just leave this situation to my manly charms. Well, girlish charms…*pokes you* My girlish charms! Appreciate my girlish charms!
PATRICK: *pokes back* I think I appreciated them many times over Saturday night. And Sunday morning. And Sunday afternoon. And in the car on the ride here.
WILLIAM: *grins and pushes you against shelf* My charms never fail! *kisses*
PATRICK: *mock surprise* I thought we were researching! *kisses*
WILLIAM: *giggles* We’re researching the sturdiness of the shelving. It’s important work. The lives we save may be our own.
PATRICK: Public service! I can put it on my resume. *wraps hand around your neck*
WILLIAM: *moans* I love your spirit of volunteerism.
I wonder if Patrick was wearing his fedora at this point?
Meanwhile, out in the hallway Spencer from Panic! At the Disco and Avril Lavigne are having a heated Election-esque argument about prom posters.
AVRIL: Don’t you “Avril dear,” me you fucking FREAK! You are RIPPING down my posters!
SPENCER: *smirks* I did not lay one solitary finger on your precious posters, Avril dear.
AVRIL: Fine, whatever, you’re having your fucked up friend rip down my posters. Look, I don’t know what your damage is that you want to be prom queen, but in case you haven’t noticed, you’re a guy. At least, I assume you are. I have no proof of it.
SPENCER: *narrows eyes* I don’t need to prove anything to you, darling. My “damage” is that I’d rather Pete’s dog be Prom Queen than a scene queen wannabe with little verve and even less class. And you had better watch your mouth about Brendon. He’s a better person and much better dresser than you’ll ever be.
And back at the Way household things are getting very inappropriate between brothers Gerard and Mikey of My Chemical Romance.
MIKEY: *lying curled around Gerard, sticky, sated, and definitely no longer platonic* *smile* Hi. Did I wake you up?
GERARD: *smiles back* No, you didn’t. How did you sleep?
MIKEY: Really, really well…what about you?
GERARD: *hugs you tight* Better than I have in a long time.
GERARD: *inhales deeply* But if you move, I have to let go of you. I don’t like that plan.
MIKEY: *sneaks fingers up to your chest and strokes you* I don’t either. *yawns* I think maybe I should stay right here and touch you in all the ways I’ve ever wanted.
GERARD: *shivers pleasantly* I think I like that idea a whole lot more…*kisses you lightly on the lips*
MIKEY: *grins and kisses you back* *strips your shirt off and runs hands over your shoulders and chest* Wanted to do this forever…
And it only gets freakier from there.
It’s easy to point and laugh at these kids if we’re being honest. But on some level, you also have to hand it to them: They’re having fun, expressing their freaky urges in a healthy, non-threatening manner, and writing emo porn that has its own creative flair. Their round robin is a neat twist on a time-tested format and most of the writing is surprisingly competent, if not a little trite. On the other hand, it is fan-fic, which itself is fundamentally creepy, and this particular brand is especially cringe-worthy due to the emo factor. But to be fair to this GreatestJournal group, they are not an isolated unit: A Google search for “Gerard Way fanfic” returns 118,000 hits alone. These emo erotica authors could probably raise an army. A very emasculated army, but a force to be reckoned with nonetheless. So think before you snicker too hard, or you might wind up with an eyeliner pencil to the jugular.