Attn. Perverts: Those Chris Brown Nudes Are Fakes

Teen R&B semi-sensation Chris Brown–who, it behooves us to point out, only turned 18 about three months ago–has helpfully cleared up the issue of those Internet-distributed nudie pictures that hit the Web before he was even able to vote. He also disses another barely legal pop R&B star for apparently not being good enough to date his squeaky ass and talks about appearing on the new Aesop Rock album^*:

“First of all, I don’t take pictures of myself,” Brown told the mag. “If I’m gonna show somebody that, I’d rather show the person that’s gonna be in the room with me at that time.” So who might be that person be? Not Ciara, that’s for sure. When asked about her, his face “curls up as if he’d just noticed a foul odor,” Vibe observed. “I don’t want Ciara,” Brown said. “I don’t want any industry girl.” He’d prefer a “regular girl” — that is, provided she’s also “a model.”

That’s cool, man, I understand. I’d like a girlfriend who’s an amazon brain surgeon/ex-Top Chef contestant with a good line in burritos/part-time video game developer who gets plenty of free swag. Ah, the entitlement that comes from being young, pretty, moderately famous, and able to walk up walls. I wonder where we’re going to rank in Google’s search results for “Chris Brown nudes,” especially in relation to “horny emo teens”. (Kate’s parents must be so proud.)

Chris Brown Doesn’t Want Ciara [MTV]

^* Just kidding, y’all.