We’re Definitely A Long Way From Home: The Worst Song I Know (As Of Right Now)

Sep 20th, 2007 // 15 Comments

nitro.jpgSo tomorrow we’re going to have a guest-blogger, and just now she was asking me if she should do anything special for the day–you know, sprinkling her keyboard with holy water, etc. Generally my typing in IM is crap (I save the good stuff for the blog, of course), so I told her that she should “write a nitro” so that our audience could get used to the fact that Jess has abandoned them for a day. And given that my head’s on a Benadryl trip at present, that typo made me think of the one band from the hard-rock era that was so lousy, not even the fact that they were in on their joke or a cameo from frequent Monkees foil Rose Marie could save them:

Ah, Nitro. Yes, the band that was half-joke, half-serious shredding, and all the way unlistenable. Most notable for the glass-shattering voice of Jim Gillette, Nitro was obviously taking the piss at least in part–their 1989 bio has a quote from guitarist Michael Angelo explaining how he added a high A string to his guitar so that it would be “super fast and wild, in the mandolin range”; the album the above clip was taken from was called O.F.R., for Out Fuckin’ Rageous–but even the “funny” aspects of Nitro’s attempt to be a real-life Spinal Tap were torpedoed by the fact that its music was pretty godawful, even when compared to, say, Hericane Alice. Gillette’s voice could jump as many octaves as Mariah Carey’s, sure, but his enunciation would never fail to crap out, Fergie-style, at around octave two; Angelo’s guitar playing is pretty nimble, but the rest of the band sounds like they wandered into the studio where Nitro was playing by accident, and were actually meant to be tracking a Shaggs tribute album. (Also: Gillette’s dancing! That has to be part of the joke, right?)

Anyway, given that Jess posted the worst song he’d ever heard last week, I figured that I’d one-up him with Nitro’s attempt to rewrite “Can’t Find My Way Home,” which I would say is definitely worse, Linda Perry “ay-ay-ayyying” aside. And think about the fact that Gillette and Angelo are actually working on music together, no doubt to capitalize on the fact that the current era wants to turn as many people as possible into a parade of Jesse Camp nonlebrities; I’ll bet you that soon enough, they’ll be inviting Carrie Underwood onstage for an octave-off, and that we’ll be posting the grainy cameraphone footage.

Nitro – Long Way From Home [YouTube]
Nitro [Encyclopaedia Metallum]

  1. Ned Raggett

    See, these guys did wrong what Pretty Boy Floyd did oh so right.

  2. Rob Murphy

    These guys had Ron Jeremy as their tour bus driver? AWESOME!

  3. Bob Loblaw

    Nitro < The Terror Twins

    / Washington Square Park entertainment

  4. Vince Neilstein

    Maura, don’t front. You love this band. I know you have them on VHS tapes in your closet right next to all your LA Guns videos. Don’t lie.

    That having been said, this video doesn’t capture all the awesomeness that was Nitro. See their earlier stuff for Michael Angelo shredding on the famous FOUR-NECKED guitar! I think the song is called “Freight train.” Find it on YouTube!

    Now, are they really reuniting?

  5. Josh Mock

    Is it sad that you saying “Jess posted the worst song he’d ever heard” was the first time I ever considered that Jess could be a guy?

    This is slightly embarrassing.

  6. musicquizking

    I remember when I was a kid, Circus and Metal Edge magazines had these one page ads where Jim Gillette sold his instructional vocal tapes.

    I should have bought one.

  7. LeighBlack

    Hey, what’s wrong with Hericane Alice?

  8. Lucas Jensen

    I got Lee Ranaldo to autograph this album once. It was all I had on me. Long story. This is amazing. OFR. That album’s liner notes are my all time favorite. Everything is written in Princespeak (2 U R C, etc.) and there is an anti-keyboard symbol in there and they claim that they used no keyboards, samples, or VSOs (?), just–and I quote–BADBOY MOTHERFUCKIN BALLS!

    They also thank God, the Crue, and GNfuckingR (who probably were embarrassed to be thanked), and they hit you with this anti-drug message:

    DRUGS R 4 DUMBFUCKS. DON’T B A DUMBFUCK.

  9. Lucas Jensen

    OMG. That’s Julie McCullough! I loved her.

  10. Emerson Dameron

    I first heard this in Lucas’s living room, years ago. It’s better than some of the other stuff he promotes.

  11. bg5000

    I also have Lucas to thank for introducing me to these guys. He should be getting kickbacks.

  12. Emerson Dameron

    @Lucas:
    I’m never quite sure. But Nitro > Goblin Cock, eight days a week.

    I miss Athens when the trees turn pretty colors. Chicago has its kicks, for sure, but it’s been too many years since I scrubbed piepans alongside two people who had two separate albums in the CMJ Top 50.

  13. Lucas Jensen

    @Emerson Dameron: Are you serious?

    @bg5000: I spread the seed of Nitro far and wide.

    Ah, nostalgia. I miss you guys here in Athens. How’s Chi-town?

  14. antistar

    Hericane Alice were okay live. They did an awesome cover of “Bad Motor Scooter”.

  15. manyjars

    Love the photo. It’s like, how much bigger could their hair be? And the answer is none. None more bigger.

Leave A Comment