Dolly Parton’s Brother Bilks North Carolinans Out Of Millions Of Dollars In Breakfast Sausages

Dec 18th, 2007 // 22 Comments

ninetofivemillion.jpgHow can one man spend the GNP of a small country at Cracker Barrel? It’s easy, especially if you’re Dolly Parton’s no-account brother Randy, who squandered that much on “Las Vegas and New York trips, meals at more than 70 restaurants, [and] purchases at grocery stores and Wal-Mart,” among other frivolous expenditures. Except he was supposed to be using the cash to promote a theater built by the “ailing textile town” of Roanoke Rapids, N.C., which plunked over $20 million into the project in an effort to reverse its bad financial luck through the magic of song. Unfortunately, city hall forgot to do a background check, where they would have found out that Randy Parton liked to get tipsy and cuss at kids, in addition to being a really big fan of cheese logs and misappropriating funds.

Randy Parton, given access to nearly $3 million by the city with few strings attached, spent some of it on liquor, two trips to Las Vegas casinos and, in keeping with his good ol’ boy image, meals at Biscuitville and Cracker Barrel on the taxpayers’ dime.

The expensive economic experiment came crashing down earlier this month when the town’s mayor, who had been Parton’s biggest booster, confronted him in his dressing room before a show. Mayor Drewery N. Beale accused Parton of being drunk. He had two police officers drive the singer home, but not before Parton delivered a profanity-laced interview to a waiting TV crew.

Parton, the mayor said, was henceforth banned from the theater bearing his name.

That showdown came after the mayor and City Council, miffed by the minuscule crowds Parton was attracting to the Randy Parton Theatre, said the singer had been caught cursing during what the town promoted as a “family show.”

Thanks to the way the project was financed–with “self-financed bonds” that the city can use to undertake “economic improvement projects by repaying bonds with anticipated increases in tax revenues”–the broke-ass citizens of Roanoke Rapids are now screwed, since the only thing Randy Parton increased was his biscuit-engorged wasitline. What kind of small town on the verge of economic collapse just gives Dolly Parton’s brother $3 million to turn its fortunes around? It’s like something out of a 1940s musical. Minus the happy ending, of course.

At Randy Parton Theater, Show Goes On Without “Star” [LA Times; HT: Ned Raggett]


  1. Ned Raggett

    Mayor Drewery N. Beale

    Even his name sounds like it should be in a 40s musical.

  2. Kate Richardson

    Holy shit, there’s a restaurant called Biscuitville? How do we NOT have that in Texas?

  3. Chris N.

    Mmm, biscuits.

  4. Mick Kraut

    “Parton, the mayor said, was henceforth banned from the theater bearing his name.”

    Well that ought to take care of that Sheriff Taylor…

    I suspect that with more publicity there will be a happy ending and Dolly will swoop in and save the family name and make the town whole…perhaps offer to headline the theater for its opening etc…something like that…

  5. Tenno

    I shot a man in Biscuitville, just to watch him crumble.

  6. Kate Richardson

    @Tenno: Gold star for you.

  7. Chris Molanphy

    Well, they can always try building a monorail.

  8. ghostyhead

    @dennisobell: Hey, it worked for Ogdenville.

  9. Tenno

    @kaate: 2-0 as of yesterday, I’m sure I’ll be boring later.

    Quick check, is there any non-famous siblings of famous acts that isn’t disappointing?

  10. rad_matter

    @kaate: Yep, there’s Biscuitvilles in various parts of North Carolina…I just haven’t bothered to go into them.

    Damn, I wish I thought of bilking a small town in North Carolina to pay for trips to Vegas. Maybe this news hasn’t reached some of the smaller towns in the mountains of North Carolina…I may never have to work again!

  11. Chris Molanphy

    @ghostyhead: And North Haverbrook — it put them on the map!


  12. rad_matter

    @Tenno: I don’t think so. But then again Tito Jackson is in the public’s subconscious.

  13. Jess Harvell

    @dennisobell: “what about us braindead slobs,” etc etc.

  14. Tenno

    @jessdolator: You’ll be given cushy jobs!

  15. Tenno

    @rad_matter: Actually, since I live in Vegas, I rather like the idea of bilking people here for trips to North Carolina. That’d blow some heads.

  16. Jess Harvell

    i am going to be singing this all day now.

  17. Tenno

    As you should.

  18. Lucas Jensen

    @kaate: Biscuitvilles are delicious, but I’m not sure they’re as good as Bojangles. Close maybe.

  19. space race ace

    this IS a musical waiting to happen. I bet Dolly can return all of the money and then some by writing it into a musical and showing the good ol’ folks of Roanoke Rapids that dreams do come true. Sounds like the feel-good musical of 2009!

  20. Anonymous

    This is all a bunch of bull! I saw the show and it was great. I sat close enough to Randy that I could “reach out and touch him”. I think I would have noticed if he was intoxicated! It’s all a bunch of nonsense. The evil advocates of Roanoke Rapids sought to kick the guy out because it was not a quick fix to their financial problems. The 3.1 million dollars was his salary and who cares if he had a beer now and then and he certainly doesn’t have a reputation to cussing at kids or anyone else!! The loser is the city of Roanoke Rapids… they destroyed any potential they had. Their efforts to shoot down the guy will be pointless. So what if he doesn’t perfom there again. He has enough class he’ll just make it somewhere else!! He is very family oriented and his show showed that. If you had ever met him or seen his show, you would know the comments from the Roanoke Rapids peanut gallery did not hold any validity. Yeah, they might get some loser back in there in his place…. since all they seem to want is local talent anyway, but they won’t get they quality they had and lost!!!

  21. Anonymous


    Randy was drunk as a sknunk the night he was kicked out, anyone who thinks he wasn’t after seeing the television interview is living in a fantasy world…

    now i’m not about to defend all of Roanoke Rapids’ actions by any means, they’ve deffinitely made some big mistakes in this fiasco

    but i seriously doubt Randy will “make it” anywhere else, his show here averaged about 50 per nite in a 1500 seat theatre. Plus the documentation is there on all of his spending…other communities need to take note!

    if u havent seen the tv interview on the nite Randy was kicked out, here’s the addy

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