Oh noes! Eminem is fat! Supposedly! And true or not, this is still America and it cannot stand! We can’t have our pop stars, even the reclusive aging kind, walking around with a even teeny paunches hanging over their droopy drawers. That’s why the evil shake shills at Slim-Fast have stepped in to make everything better again for “Slim-Fast Shady.” (Ha ha! I get it!) And what advice does the company have for Em when it comes to righting his unhealthy lifestyle? Unsurprisingly, it involves eating right, exercise, and whoring himself for Slim-Fast.
“Slim-Fast is a program that can really work for someone like Eminem; it’s a doable and flexible approach,” a spokesperson tells OK!. “Slim-fast would love to offer Eminem product and assistance to help him become a potential S-F success story.”
Here’s the plan:
Breakfast: Slim·Fast Optima Cappuccino Delight shake; plus a banana
Snack: Slim·Fast Optima Blueberry Muffin Bar and an apple or pear
Lunch: Combine a Slim·Fast Optima French Vanilla shake with ½ roast beef sandwich + piece of fruit
Snack: ¼ cup of hummus with 1 cup baby carrots and 2 sticks of low-fat string cheese
Dinner: Garden salad with fat-free dressing; barbequed chicken with veggies and wild rice; strawberries with 1/2 cup fat-free frozen yogurt
Snack: Mini bag of popcorn
Drinks: 8+ glasses of calorie free beverages, preferably water
You know, everyone is LOL’ing over this because it’s Eminem, and it’s probably balancing some sort of sad cosmic-scale karma shit that for a change it’s a man being hounded over his slight fluctuations in mass by the gossip rags and their fucked-up body image politics. But at this point, Em should get even fatter just to spite everyone involved. Own it, man. Take back your gut.
Slim Fast Shady [OK!]