Guylinered Mall Emos Meet <em>Juno</em> Writer Diablo Cody (And Our Brains Explode From The Self-Satisfaction)

77878175.jpgDespite its Entertainment Weekly cover-story-garnering, Billboard chart-topping, near-universal acclaim, there are those of you* who, like me, think Stripper! Turned! Writer! and Oscar-nominated Juno uberhack Diablo Cody was sent as an emissary from the quirkiest circle of hell to torture us with her agonizingly overworked slanguage, insufferable hipster manque caricatures, and plot points that are indie movie cliches inbred until they’re cross-eyed and unable to walk properly. And those folks will be delighted to learn that Ms. Cody’s next feature–a comedy-horror film involving cheerleaders, demons, and more forced, semi-comprehensible sass than one script can withstand–is now rumored to be courting two real-life emo stars to possibly play Nikolai, frontman for the film’s “Satanic emo band.” Yeah, we know.

More interesting, perhaps, are two names that are being bandied about for Nikolai; he’s the leader of the Satanic emo band that starts all of the problems that turns Needy into an ass-kicking monster fighter. The production is looking at two legitimately emo dipshits – Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy and Joel Madden of Good Charlotte. These names horrify me, and just typing them out has awoken some kind of genocidal monster in me – I want to torch your home if you own a Fallout Boy record. I want you removed from the Earth (Ron Paul supporters are next). Here’s to hoping that the third name on the list, One Tree Hill’s Chad Michael Murray, is who they go with.

Us too! Hell, we’d probably even be cool with one of the Madden brothers. Because just in case you think I’m being too hard on Cody’s screenwriting abilities, or Pete Wentz’s acting chops, please avail yourself of some of the dialogue from the leaked script from Jennifer’s Body, and then imagine Pete saying “Slow down tardy slip. You sound like a sped” in a Clandestine Industries-branded hoodie-cape. Sigh.

Jennifer’s Body Is Going Authentically Emo [CHUD]
Diablo Cody’s Next Catchphrase? “Fried Bologna Is The Bomb!” [Defamer]

* And seriously, how happy was I to read Maura’s post and see how many Idolator readers also broke out in quirk-related hives during Juno? (Not alone! Not alone!) I have deep, deep issues with this whole 21st-century “Tracy and Hepburn diluted through bong water, a half-finished BA, and back issues of Sassy” aesthetic, but I’m holding back because before I know it I’ll be dissing Arrested Development and everyone will suddenly turn on me.

  • Jon Can Dance

    There’s always money in the banana stand.

  • Nicolars

    Comparing AD to Juno or the writing of Diablo Cody is about the cruelest thing you could do.

  • Maura Johnston

    @Nicolars: word.

  • Weezy F Baby

    oh no. the arrested development weirdos are going to start emerging from the woods.

    don’t click this link, jess..for your own sanity.


  • Jess Harvell

    i clicked it. :’-(

  • Weezy F Baby

    @Nicolars: That’s right. Juno was 90 minutes of bad, overly quirky dreck, Arrested Development was two whole seasons* of it.

    *(2 & 3)

  • walkmasterflex

    I’m so glad to see this. All my friends were making me feel bad for hating Juno as much as I do. So good to see I’m not alone.

  • Glass_Family

    @walkmasterflex: Never Trevor! Know that in the halls of hatred, you are never, ever alone. Be forewarned, however: it is hot like magma in here.

  • Glass_Family

    And yes, leave Arrested Development alone.

  • Michaelangelo Matos

    haha I sooo have your back re: AD, Jess

  • Anonymous

    Not-that-funny-ness aside, Juno is also pretty seriously pro-life in an unfair way–Exh. 1, look at how the receptionist at the reproductive-services center is portrayed. In a way the movie’s like Pretty Woman; a deeply conservative message dolled up in a charming package–minus the charming part. Is the title character even a character or just an ambulatory attitude that ejects oh-no-she-didn’t mal mots?
    But look, in Juno the music-lover who wants to follow his dreams winds up the Real Enemy. Of course we’d hate it!

  • Anonymous

    I LOVE YOU!!!! I too cannot stand stripper-turned-writer(???) Diablo “Devil” Cody. I thought I was so alone! (sigh) There is justice in the world.

  • Al Shipley

    Man, if just teasing but not actually committing to a negative opinion of Arrested Development stirs up this many comments/hits, I’m going to just throw a paragraph completely ripping it to shreds in my next column for the hell of it.

  • katesilver

    Jess! Write a screenplay, STAT! The world needs you.

  • Anonymous

    Is this named after the third or fourth best song off Live Through This? And if so, which types of horror should I be feeling?

  • blobby

    Just in case this hasn’t been said already: if anyone was even thinking about going after Arrested Development, you need to back the FUCK off, because that was, and always will be, one of the greatest television shows of all time, hands down.

  • SuperUnison

    Arrested:Cap’n Jazz :: Juno: Panic at the Disco. Oddly enough, however, (recapping earlier post on defamer), I think that this forthcoming movie could be way more tolerable than “Juno.” Diablo Cody does have an innateley strong sense of charachterization and storytelling. What she doesn’t really have (yet) is the sense of craft or artistic restraint that would elevate her to being great. Hence, putting her to work on a horror comedy (where going way too far is part of the point) could be an inspired move.

  • Charles A. Hohman

    Like other commenters, I hardly see the similarities between “Arrested Development” and “Juno”—beyond Bateman and Cera, it’s damn near impossible to argue they’re part of the same trend/movement (postmodern farce with jokes vs. formulaic morality tale with moronic dialogue). That said, as insufferable as the “Juno” script gets, it’s still much better than Cody’s opportunistic and superficial prose. Can anyone read even a page of “Candy Girl” (or her Entertainment Weekly column) without cringing at her self-congratulatory privileged-girl condescension?

  • Dick Laurent is dead.

    Welcome to the end-times everyone, hope you brought popcorn.

  • Anonymous

    So wait, does anyone know if the movie is actually named after the old Hole song, or is that just a coincidence?

  • CarsmileSteve

    cheerleaders, demons and sass? was joss whedon not available?


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