Despite its Entertainment Weekly cover-story-garnering, Billboard chart-topping, near-universal acclaim, there are those of you* who, like me, think Stripper! Turned! Writer! and Oscar-nominated Juno uberhack Diablo Cody was sent as an emissary from the quirkiest circle of hell to torture us with her agonizingly overworked slanguage, insufferable hipster manque caricatures, and plot points that are indie movie cliches inbred until they’re cross-eyed and unable to walk properly. And those folks will be delighted to learn that Ms. Cody’s next feature–a comedy-horror film involving cheerleaders, demons, and more forced, semi-comprehensible sass than one script can withstand–is now rumored to be courting two real-life emo stars to possibly play Nikolai, frontman for the film’s “Satanic emo band.” Yeah, we know.
More interesting, perhaps, are two names that are being bandied about for Nikolai; he’s the leader of the Satanic emo band that starts all of the problems that turns Needy into an ass-kicking monster fighter. The production is looking at two legitimately emo dipshits – Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy and Joel Madden of Good Charlotte. These names horrify me, and just typing them out has awoken some kind of genocidal monster in me – I want to torch your home if you own a Fallout Boy record. I want you removed from the Earth (Ron Paul supporters are next). Here’s to hoping that the third name on the list, One Tree Hill’s Chad Michael Murray, is who they go with.
Us too! Hell, we’d probably even be cool with one of the Madden brothers. Because just in case you think I’m being too hard on Cody’s screenwriting abilities, or Pete Wentz’s acting chops, please avail yourself of some of the dialogue from the leaked script from Jennifer’s Body, and then imagine Pete saying “Slow down tardy slip. You sound like a sped” in a Clandestine Industries-branded hoodie-cape. Sigh.
* And seriously, how happy was I to read Maura’s post and see how many Idolator readers also broke out in quirk-related hives during Juno? (Not alone! Not alone!) I have deep, deep issues with this whole 21st-century “Tracy and Hepburn diluted through bong water, a half-finished BA, and back issues of Sassy” aesthetic, but I’m holding back because before I know it I’ll be dissing Arrested Development and everyone will suddenly turn on me.