Idolator Asks: 16 Years After It Was Invented, Why Can’t We Ringtone (W)rap It Up With The Musical Condom?

magnumforce.jpgSo you’re in the middle of sexual congress with your partner and suddenly the mood is blown when his phone starts blaring “Party Like A Rockstar” at libido-shattering volume. Except it’s not his phone. It’s his penis. Yes, thanks to wang wizard Paul Lyons, your prophylactic could now be polyphonic..if his musical condom, a rubber where “a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer” activates a sound file with every thrust, had ever gone into production.

Today’s Inventors Spot post tipped us off to its “existence,” but Lyons was actually issued his patent in 1992, and the musical condom remains unavailable for purchase at your local drug store or Radio Shack. A few years back a Ukranian science guy claimed to have invented a condom with a little loudspeaker that played some MIDI bleeps as you sinned before God. But Lyons’ condom seems much more in line with the freedom of choice of the ringtone age, as his patent claimed you could capture any song you wanted on condom. Like “Yakety Sax”! Or maybe the Misfits’ “Last Caress.” While the potential for ruined relationships is high, the potential for relationship-ending comedy is even higher. Scientists and condom manufacturers… you have eight days to make this happen!

Great Invention Idea? A Musical Condom [Inventors Spot]

P.S. If it ever did go into production, please let us know.

P.P.S. You were also supposed to be able to record yourself leaving a message for your partner’s orifice. Like “open up the hangar for the airplane!” Or maybe just the sound effect of a Mack truck beeping as it backs up. Or the Law And Order “ch-chung!”

  • Anonymous

    OMG this sounds fun, but I’d be too scared of malfunctions! I mean, what happens if the person you’re porking hears ‘Oops I did it Again’ and thinks you’ve prematurely finished?? Or suppose ‘Baby One More Time’ gets stuck on repeat and you just can’t keep up?

    Then again, perhaps Brit isn’t the best choice of audio for said action…

  • loudersoft

    TMI time: mine will play “Our Anniversary” by Toni! Tony! Tone!

  • janine

    @loudersoft: That’s only good one day a year. How about “It Never Rains in Southern California?”

  • Michaelangelo Matos

    I shall blast the sounds of Lenny Kravitz’s urgently titled new album, It Is Time for a Love Revolution.

  • Anonymous

    This is the funniest news I’ve heard all day.

    One practical question: where will this sound file be, umm, implanted? Because even if it’s small, that thing might create some unwanted friction….has this inventor thought out “for her pleasure” versions?

  • sistasoulja

    speaking of TMI, eazy-e’s “gimme that nut” is the clear choice here. sorry, brother.

  • loudersoft

    @janine: That’s only good one day a year.

    I figured if I picked “Downtown” by Peaches people might get the wrong idea.

  • The Notorious T

    I always feel somewhat concerned about strapping something electronic to my junk.

    That said…I’d have to go with “Welcome to the Terrordome” as my f-tone of choice.

  • Christopher R. Weingarten

    Jess already did the “Yakety Sax” joke, so I got nothin.

  • Anonymous

    @K-milo: i think ‘lovertits’ would be the best–so catchy!

  • Herman Menderchuk

    Pretty much any AC/DC song. Perhaps a subtle charmer like “Sink the Pink” or “Let Me Put My Love Into You”? Hopeless romantics, those guys.

  • loudersoft

    I’m changing mine to “Banana Phone” for copyright reasons.

  • loudersoft

    If you don’t know –


  • FionaScrapple

    Can’t I just get to know my partner first and then turn on the stereo?

  • ghostyhead
  • Jon Can Dance

    Pretty much any Avenue D track. My choice: Too Drunk to Fuck

  • Jasonbob7

    In terms of thrust-rhythm-potential AND sexual innuendo, “Eye of the Tiger” FTW.

  • CarsmileSteve

    i came to this story (sorry) just as itunes started playing “here we go” by arab strap…

  • CreativeUnderclass

    My top 5:
    1. Big Willie Style
    2. Push It
    3. Ass ‘n’ Titties
    4. Jaws theme
    5. Tie: Chocolate Rain/Big Poppa

  • sparkletone

    4 Words: Marvin Gaye. Sexual Healing.

  • sparkletone

    Alternately: Any 2 Live Crew song ever.

  • K-milo

    @Loudersoft: Or “F*ck The Pain Away”…

  • Susan Ling

    I thought you were going to chip in with some decisive insigth at the end there. Not leave it with we leave it to you to decide