Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger Gives Us One More Reason To Be Jealous

Everyone knows Nickelback sucks dicks. But did you know lead sensitivo-mook Chad Kroeger used to be able to suck his own dick? And would do it for little more than a case of warm Miller Lites? Hey, I’m cool with it as long as someone else doesn’t have to touch that thing. I bet it’s all curly and discolored and distended like that frilly noggin of his! With a beaded necklace and a guest spot from Billy Gibbons!

I put my own dick in my mouth. I was 14 and much more flexible at the time. It was soft and required a lot of pulling. I really wanted that case of beer.

I could sit here and tell you how Nickelback’s music already reminds me of dudes straining to self-pleasure themselves in front of an audience–hunched over, sweaty, flaccid, embarrassing. But I’d rather use my time to complain that there’s no version of UGK’s “I’m So Bad (I Can Suck My Own Dick)” on YouTube that I can link to.

Chad reveals saucy party trick [The Sun via our pal Reed Fischer]

idolator
  • Anonymous

    Does Maura know you posted this? Because this is katie-bar-the-door the worst post in the history of blogging. Really. Ever.

  • kerrang

    I rather enjoyed this post….

  • drjayphd

    @clevername: Actually, it begs the question of what’s a more fulfilling use of your time, listening to Nickelback or trying to suck your own dick…

  • Maura Johnston

    @clevername: Dude. I’ve seen way worse. Exhibit A: [www.kottke.org]

  • tigerpop

    Look at this photograph/Every time I do it makes me laugh/How did our eyes get so red?/And why am I giving myself head?

  • Camp Tiger Claw

    No Chad Kroeger… I said go fuck yourself.

  • Anonymous

    Has the word “dick” been used in this context this many times on this site ever? “Looking back on a week…” should have a [||] after it on Friday.

  • Anonymous

    I always thought he sang like he had a dick in the back of his throat…now the truth is out.

    God – I wonder what it will do to his Jock audience? Prolly nothing – this will prolly go the way of the Rod Stewart stomach pump incident or Cher having her rib removed.

    Full disclosure – this is not a homophobic comment, as this poster is 100% gay.

  • Cheap Shot

    This is the best post I’ve ever read so far at idolator.

  • Jess Harvell

    i can guarantee the dick jokes will flow freely over the next five days.

  • DavidWatts

    @clevername: Dude, are you 13? DOES MAURA KNOW YOU SAID SOMETHING BAD ABOUT NICKELBACK OMG I”M TELLING>

  • Mr. Praline

    I’m never going to be able to listen to “Photograph” again.

  • gregcoff

    Um…is this the future of Idolator?

  • Camp Tiger Claw

    @Jess Harvell: I for one am ecstatic.

  • Anonymous

  • Anonymous

    @af607105: Like you could before?!

  • jt.ramsay

    I’ll take this sort of thing over a correspondent who’s trying to teach people how to use expensive escorts. Or don’t you read Valleywag?

  • Charlie Kerfelds Jetsons Tee

    Huh.

    He should’ve been tapped to provide the voice for “Can of Vegetables” in Wet Hot American Summer.

  • cstmr srvc

    @Maura Johnston:

    ZING!!

    hahaha

  • GhostOfDuane

    what a lead-in. well done sir. are people really complaining about this? i mean, we all knew nickelback sucks dick already, but how many bands can you say suck their own dicks? it’s so fitting too.
    god, i feel so alive!

  • cstmr srvc

    @imnotthatguyanymore:
    It has been my dream job to add three sentences of jokes to press releases ever since I was a child drawing dicks all over school pamphlets. Mara, I’m honored to accept the comically low blogger rate that’s killing all the print magazines I love and essentially guaranteeing I don’t work after 2010, especially if it means I get to draw dicks for you today.

    [idolator.com]

  • kathotdog

    He was just practicing for his future; for when he became a big enough rock star no one was good enough to suck his cock, except for himself.

  • Feh Am Legend

    @gregcoff: 22 comments thus far…

  • Feh Am Legend

    @GhostOfDuane: Exactly. A story such as this can be like an NBA exhibition game: full of easy shots that are nevertheless impressive to watch.

  • sicksteanein

    Does anyone get an “I didn’t inhale”-type defensive vibe from Chad’s story?

  • AL

    The accompanying illustration is wonderful.

  • Lucas Jensen

    Dick.

  • Dickdogfood

    I was gonna be a good gay and say that DAMNIT sucking dick is FUN! Sucking dick is AWESOME! Sucking dick is TOO GOOD for Nickelback! And then I found out whose dick was being sucked, and who was doing the sucking, and thought…OK, just desserts.

  • Alicia Arol

    I bet lots of people WISH they could do what Chad can do (myself included)…

  • Rena

    All of you are jealous that
    #1 He is way hotter than you
    #2 He has alot more $ than you
    #3 He can get more as* than you
    #4 He can suck his own dick with out you!

    Stop being haters !

  • Frank Burns

    Stop being haters?

    Did you type that while crying and hiding under a blanket?