Bret Michaels Brings The Realness To Miley Cyrus Fans

May 19th, 2008 // 10 Comments

AP080409045624.jpgIt’s the age-old pop star dilemma: the more famous you get, the younger your fans get–to the point where eventually, you may find yourself legally unable to put your penis in them. How does an unwitting rock and roll Barney deal with this awkward situation? If you’re Bret Michaels, you tell yourself that girls young enough to be your illegitimate daughter have been brought to your concerts by your “realness,” rather than the fact that you remind them of their negligent father if he wore guyliner. You stick to your guns, play the music you want to play, incorporate more western iconography into your poodle rock and almost two decades later, people watching your Vh1 reality dating show will see what a totally credible bad-ass you are. And so will the New York Times‘ Sunday Styles section.

“You walk off the stage, and you’ve got 13-, 14-, 15-year-old girls and guys running up, and it isn’t because they bought my first record,” Mr. Michaels said, his eager eyes hooded by his trademark “guyliner” eye-shadow. True, the Disney demographic hardly seems compatible with his dating show, a PG-13 universe of melon-breasted bottle blondes, attempting to win his affections in dignity-free competitions like stroller derby and mud-bowl football.

But Mr. Michaels is thrilled to see his message get out to the 14-year-old daughters of Poison’s original 14-year-old fans. It is a form of vindication. Mr. Michaels believes that it is his resistance to chasing musical trends over the years that has made him hot again.

“It’s not like every other day there is some stylist saying, ‘You have to become this,’ ” he said, a rhinestone-encrusted skull-and-bones belt buckle dangling over his crotch. He added, “I think the reason you see all these young fans is, they see the realness.”

Members of his backing band said they have started catering to Mr. Michaels’s swelling teeny-bopper fan base.

“I put a ‘Hannah Montana’ sticker on the back of my bass,” Ray Scheuring, the bass player, said. “We are Hannah Montana now.”

No, Bret was Hannah Montana then.

A Poisonous Love Affair [NYT]
Poison – Talk Dirty To Me [YouTube]


  1. iantenna

    as my buddy nat says, “this man actually looks like a penis, just look at him!”

  2. The Notorious T

    “But Mr. Michaels is thrilled to see his message get out to the 14-year-old daughters of Poison’s original 14-year-old fans.”

    His message? His message?!?

    P.S. So his original fans are what…28 now?

  3. King of Pants

    His message is HPV.

  4. ObtuseIntolerant

    @The Notorious T: HA. So does that mean these are actually mostly HIS children?

  5. Empire

    “Bret was Hannah Montana then.”

    Bret Michaels’ father bought him his career? I don’t remember reading about that when I was 13.

  6. The Notorious T

    @King of Pants: Apparently every rose DOES have its thorn, then.

    @ObtuseIntolerant: You know, I always wondered if they had to screen those 18-22 year-old stripper types on “Rock Of Love” to make sure that wasn’t the case.

  7. Captain Wrong

    Tell me that’s a wax museum figure in that picture up there. That can’t be human flesh on that skull, can it?

  8. Anonymous

    So, a 45-year-old man with hairplugs thinks that 14-year-olds appreciate his “realness”? They show up because they saw him on TV, and what they get is a middle-aged eyeliner abuser who looks like their dads in biker-chick drag.

  9. Noiddog

    I was never aware that his target audience was 14 year olds anyway. If thats the case… it should only be a matter of time before he starts performing at Jr. High School Proms and other middle school events.

  10. PARockfan

    What a bunch of haters, I’d love to see what you people all look like, your probably all fat and out of shape wishing you could get as much ass as Bret Michaels…jealous ass clowns…no matter what you say, Poison is a great band with great songs and have been going strong for over 20 years!! Rock on Bret, and Miley chose a great song to cover, Rock on Bret & Miley, screw all the haters!!!!!!

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