R. Kelly’s Closing Argument: “Please Respect The Underage Girl I Urinated On”

Jun 13th, 2008 // 3 Comments

AP080520031131.jpgThe trial is over and the jury is deliberating, but we can still marvel at the reasons defense attorney Sam Adam, Jr. gave for finding R. Kelly not guilty. The tape might be CGI? Heard it. Questionable witnesses? Yup, we remember. “That’s what this is about – money, money, money!” Gotcha. “[If you find Kelly guilty,] you are going to have to call (the alleged victim) 14 times individually and collectively a whore.” Wait, what? “My momma told me when we were kids, ‘if you ain’t got something nice to say about someone, don’t say it about her.’” Hold on, dude. “How are you 14 times going to call her a whore?” Dude, back the fuck up. Are you really saying that we shouldn’t hold a man accountable for having sex with and urinating on an underage girl because it would mean tarnishing her good name? After that, I’m surprised the jury didn’t come back after five minutes with a verdict of “eat a dick.”

Speaking after prosecutors had showed the jury the notorious sex tape at the center of the case one last time, defense attorney Sam Adam Jr said that the girl on the tape had accepted cash before performing a series of sex acts.

Showing the jury a studio photograph of the alleged victim on a large screen, he then told them that if they were going to find Kelly guilty of 14 counts of child pornography, “you are going to have to call (the alleged victim) 14 times individually and collectively a whore.”

Barely audible, he whispered, “My momma told me when we were kids, ‘if you ain’t got something nice to say about someone, don’t say it about her.”

He concluded his argument saying, “How are you 14 times going to call her a whore?”

Oh, and don’t forget, that girl you shouldn’t call a whore? She’s not the girl in question anyway, and even if she was, R. Kelly can’t be the man in question. Otherwise, wouldn’t she have told everybody?

No 13-year-old girl could have kept an affair with a “superstar” like Kelly secret, he said, noting that nobody had raised any concerns at the time of the alleged taping in 1998 or 1999.

“You couldn’t keep a 13-year-old girl’s mouth quiet about having Hannah Montana tickets,” Adam said.

Ironically, Miley Cyrus would have been about 6 at the alleged time of the taping. I originally thought the defense would be confident about the level of “reasonable doubt” it had raised, but when a lawyer actually says “if you can’t say anything nice…,” that sounds a little desperate.

Closing arguments complete; Deliberations begin [Sun-Times]

  1. Chris N.

    Could they legally split the difference and call her seven times a whore?

  2. Anonymous

    “They fucking superimposed me, what the fuck you want from me?”

    Good idea. You know what the jury says? What’d they say? They say, “Oh, ok,” they’re walking away I hear them go, “What’s superimposed?”

    /7th Grade

  3. Anonymous

    I think a 13-year-old could keep it secret if the muh effer peed on her. What, she gonna run out the front door, still moist, like, “Look! R. Kelly just pissed on me!!” Also, “eat a dick” should always be a jury option. It would make Law & Order that much better.

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