Five Singles Janet Jackson Shouldn’t Bother Relearning For Her Tour

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Janet Jackson has some ambitious plans for her upcoming tour. “My true goal is to try at least do every single that I’ve ever had. So, I’ve got to figure out a way to fit this in two hours, and yet give them enough of each song so that they don’t feel hungry for more of that song in particular.” Wow! If we generously qualify “single” as songs with American-released videos (and ignore some airplay-charting B-sides), that’s still more than 30 tracks. Seeing as how she’s probably too proud to just ignore everything she’s done since the wardrobe malfunction, I’ve got five post-Rhythm Nation 1814 (the singles on that and Control are unfuckwithable) songs that she might think about just yelling the title of in the middle of a medley.

“Because Of Love”

I completely forgot about this top ten hit, and listening to it now, I’m not surprised.

“Twenty Foreplay”

You’re not going to have R. Kelly join you on stage, are you? Please don’t sing “You’ve made love to my mind/ Now you gotta take me from behind” or discuss how you’ve both felt the “warm explosion” unless he’s there to nod along.

“Every Time”

Britney has to do her treacly piano number named “Everytime” because she doesn’t have “Let’s Wait A While,” “Come Back To Me,” “Again,” and all the other good ballads Janet does. And that’s why Janet shouldn’t do hers.

“Just A Little While”

I actually think Damita Jo is a solid album–she better pull out “All Nite (Don’t Stop)”–but the first single was a serious backfire, with Dallas Austin trying to put Janet’s breathy voice over a guitar riff Pink probably rejected. “Black Cat” shows she can rock, but this shows that she can’t rock sweetly.

“Call On Me”

You know, even if Nelly is standing backstage, please don’t do this. Just let the beat play while you’re off changing outfits.

And here’s one track that should be performed, even if it wasn’t really a single.

Seeing as how she’s explored her sexuality for the last 15 years, she might want to flip things for the age of Obama with a little “Ignorance? No! Bigotry? No!” How can someone who spent her early twenties wearing shoulder pads and announcing her autonomy be so determined to stay a sex kitten into middle age? I’m not suggesting that she should be mocked as a cougar because she’s really into physical pleasure, but it’s clear that audiences are aching to see a different dimension.

Janet Jackson – Because Of Love [YouTube]Janet Jackson – Twenty Foreplay [YouTube]Janet Jackson – Every Time [YouTube]Janet Jackson – Just A Little While [YouTube]Janet Jackson feat. Nelly – Call On Me [YouTube]Janet Jackson – The Knowledge [YouTube]