Ex-Arab Strap vocalist Aidan Moffat is well-known for writing some extraordinarily graphic lyrics about sex, and so it is maybe not too surprising that he’s been tapped as a sex columnist for the online music magazine The Quietus. After all, if the No. 1 qualification for being a sexpert is a willingness to talk openly about sexuality, then the guy who opened an album with the line “It was the biggest cock you’d ever seen, but you’ve no idea where that cock had been” is a natural.
Here’s our favorite paragraph, but we recommend that you read the whole thing for full effect. Here, Moffat responds to a man who burned through lots of kinky activities with his girlfriend within the first few months of meeting her, and now fears that they’ve lost the spark in their relationship.
And maybe the next time you get a girlfriend, you should calm the fuck down. Take things slow and maybe ease off on the threesomes and bum-play for a while. We live in a very over-sexed, smut-drenched world where everybody thinks they should act like a porn star in the bedroom and forgets that sex is an individual experience that you should make your own. Recent research found women were complaining that their new partners ejaculated over their faces without even having the decency to ask first, and this is because guys see this in porn films – which are more widely available than ever – and think it’s the norm. It’s not. People start experimenting with sex far too early these days. When I was young, a conventional, vanilla, missionary position ride was all I could hope for, and by hope I mean cry into my cider and blackcurrant and wonder why no-one would let me touch them. I think it was because I was fat, mind you, but let’s not drag up the past. All these teenagers wearing lingerie and experimenting with homosexuality and using vibrating rabbit ears and sticking foreign objects up their arses and dressing up – it’s not right. You have to master the basics then move onto the adventurous stuff; run before you can walk; wank before you can fuck; fuck before you can… whatever, pervert.
Aidan Moffatt: Uncle Agony [The Quietus]