We Search MySpace For The Stoopidest, Most Genesis-Loving Acts

xhuxk | August 7, 2008 2:00 am

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Each week, dozens of songs and albums from up-and-coming (or just plain unknown) bands debut on the world’s music charts. Some of these bands will never be heard from again; some may become the next little thing. That’s why we have Chuck Eddy exploring the world beyond the Billboard 200, where he’ll look for diamonds in the MySpace rough. This week, he travels the Internet with some pals of Soulja Boy, Stoopid stoners, Arnold-honoring moshers, Hispanic hip-hop, Christian soft rockers, and Canadians who have a Phil Collins fetish.

JUNEY BOOMDATA & MARC DECOCA Atlantans Juney and Marc, who are apparently acquaintances of both Soulja Boy (whose 18th birthday party Juney attended) and Cookie Monster (who hangs out with Juney on his MySpace page), infiltrate the Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs Chart at No. 99 this week with “Wassup Wit Da Cookies”–not with “Wassup Wit Da Pussy,” which sounds similar but revolves around a different noun. Both compositions seem to mention freaky-deaking and partying like rock stars. The cookie one has been known to inspire fast dancing by young ladies wearing Mall of America shorts. Juney’s MySpace also features a ridiculous rap called “Brains of a Bird,” not to mention a survey on which he reveals that he is a fan of both the letter “A” and “the man on a hundred dolla bill” Ben Franklin, that his biggest plan this summer was to “make sure my AC works,” that he will date a girl with kids but “will never play step daddy,” that his favorite color is baby blue but his least favorite is “clear,” that his best friend is “Sox” but his worst enemy is “anybody who don’t like Sox,” and that his favorite books are I Wish I Was Sick Too and Supahead. Marc has a MySpace page, as well, but it isn’t anywhere near as much fun.

SLIGHTLY STOOPID These San Diegans’ instructively titled Slightly Not Stoned Enough To Eat Breakfast Yet Stoopid–featuring an uncleaned kitchen stove on its cover–entered the Billboard 200 at No. 73 last week. This week, it’s at No. 91. Their MySpace influences list: “Bob Marley, Led Zeppelin, Dr. Dre, Sublime, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Police, Miles Davis, all good music ranging from acoustic, rock, reggae, blues, roots, hip hip, metal, dub, and punk.” No Grateful Dead, though one fan does wish them “Happy Jerry’s Birthday.” So you get the idea: White guys with fake Jamaican accents proclaiming “Oh how I love you Mary Jane” in a competently dubbish-with-gunshot-effects number called “No Cocaine,” though I’m not sure how literally to take that title. (White lines: Don’t don’t don’t don’t do it?) Message from #1 Stoopid Head: “Thanks for the joint paper i got in the mail the other day, pretty frickin sick to open up what i think is more posters and get controlled substance stickers, SNSETEBYS joint papers, and Pepper’s PCAGV condoms.” Stoopid is as stoopid does.

AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE San Diego, again. And judging from the CD cover, the real Austrian Death Machine is their Governator. Total Brutal, on which they projectile-vomit oafishly over thrashing hop-scotch mosh, invaded the Billboard 200 at No. 179 and Heatseekers at No. 7 last week (and slipped just one Heatseeker spot this week), despite being awarded only 3 points out of 10 in the new issue of Decibel. So yeah, a joke concept: MySpace bio raves about “cliché vocals that sound really angry,” then asserts the following: “I’ve heard plenty of metal bands steal lyrics from angry fourth graders that hate going to church or don’t want to clean their rooms. Now it’s time to steal lyrics from the great minds of Hollywood screen writers that at least made it to sixth grade. Don’t miss listening to the hit track ‘Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.'” It goes on to explain that the band is indeed a tribute to “Ahhnold”, who they pretend is their frontman. More titles: “If It Bleeds We Can Kill It,” “Come With Me If You Want To Live,” etc. Might even be halfway amusing if they’d thought to growl it in an Aryan accent.

MR. CRIMINAL Hispanic hip-hop from Silverlake, with a manly mustache, no hair, a “Brown Pride” tattoo on his abs, Dr. Dre tempos, and some kinda Bone Thugs & Harmony connection. Rise To Power made a one-week chart visit as Heatseeker No. 37 last week. Catchiest songs on Mr. Criminal’s MySpace–“Mami Mira” and “216 to the 213”–sound custom-made for riding low, and serve as evidence that he loves the sound of breaking glass. His newer “Watch Me Ride” feels downright flimsy in comparison. Inspirational fan message: “HEy MR.CRiMiNAL DAM iT i FUCKEN LOVE yoU iM yOUR FUCKEN #1 FAN THAT’S DOWN HAHAH Q-NO THE OLNy ONE AND FUCK THE REST SHiT HAHAH ANyWHO yOU ARE SO FUCKEN FiNE MAN FUCK LOVE yOUR #1 FAN LESLiE A.K.A SMiLEy 4RM THE BiG BAD ASS 760.” That it looks so much like a ransom note only compounds his criminal credentials.

HUSALAH & B-LUV More one-Heetseekers-week-only (No. 49 last week) Cali rap, but from further north, up in Vallejo. One guy (B-Luv, I think) sports what you might call a medium-top fade (more Schoolly D than Kid ‘N Play.) Their album is called The Tonka Boyz, which may or may not have something to do with toy trucks. Songs have all manner of bings and boings and clinks and clanks and rhythmic doo-hickeys. Not sure if that makes this hyphy, non-hyphy, post-hyphy, thizz, thatt, or tha other thing, but the chubby guy dancing to them perform “Cutting It Up” doesn’t seem interested in splitting hairs. All over the net, for some reason, their music seems to suffer from uniformly crappy sound quality.

BIG DADDY WEAVE Sadly not a fake-hair-obsessed rapper heavily influenced by Bobby Jimmy and the Critters, but a totally mushy soft-rock band from Nashville that showed up on the Christian Albums chart at No. 15 last week and hang tight at No. 22 this week with their sixth studio album, What Life Would Be Like. Songs on MySpace appear to be about… Jesus! Who is their MySpace friend! Or at least some guy who calls himself “Yeshua Hamshia (Jesus Christ)” is! Here’s what said Messiah has to say: “Shalom be with you! Thank you for adding me as a friend! I love your page and I’m honored to have you as a friend! May HaShem bless you and your entire family with happiness and health in the powerful name of Rabbi Yeshua Hamashia!” At least two other MySpace chums quote the Book of Philippians, which sure beats the hell out of Leviticus if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

DOC WALKER This harmonizing Manitoba country-rock trio’s cover of “That’s All” by Genesis checked into the Canadian Singles chart at No. 98 last week; a week later, it climbs two notches. It’s not bad, though “Illegal Alien” would’ve taken more guts (assuming there are actually illegal aliens in Manitoba, that is.) The short guy in the plaid shirt might be the most average-looking fellow you’ll see in a band this year, and I’ll take a wild guess that the dude with Keith Urban stubble is the heartthrob of the group. Their “Beautiful Life” video makes them out to be the northern prairie’s answer to Rascal Flatts, plus it’s got some weird curly-haired kid beckoning us through a door in the middle of nowhere. And in general their music–given fainthearted titles such as, I kid you not, “Driving With The Brakes On”–betrays an endearing inferiority complex. On Aug. 16, they are scheduled to play the Portage Potato Festival!