The Day We’ve All Been Dreading Has Arrived

Sep 25th, 2008 // 8 Comments

Perez Hilton has released his first single.

It’s called “The Clap” and guess what it’s about? You got it! It’s just as sophomoric, unsubtle, and juvenile as you’d have imagined from a guy who made his bones drawing semen on photos of Hollywood C-Listers with MS Paint (hmm…now that I read that all written out it’s actually a pretty brilliant idea).

“The Clap” actually starts out kind of intriguing, with some bouncy piano and stuttering saxes. It even reminded me a little of Bowie’s “I Dig Everything,” though I did hit my head hard last week on something in my closet. Then comes the verse, where Perez decides he wants to rewrite The Escape Club’s “Wild, Wild West,” itself a rewrite of Elvis Costello’s “Pump It Up.” Sloppy Seconds? Try Thrownaway Thirds. The chorus is a tad less tepid than the verse–it’s “Crocodile Rock Ultra Light”–but it does feature a couplet worthy of Edmund Spenser: “When you love someone, take it slow / Don’t let them raid your pussy hole”.

This is a family site, I know! I’m sorry, kids! The whole song has a big ol’ case of the Pottymouths, made much worse by the fact that you have to imagine Perez himself doing this: “Rub some lotion on my back / Massage it down into my crack”. Of course it comes as no surprise that P. wrote the lyrics himself (the music is by Lucian Piane).

Maybe I’m being hypocritical here. If this song was done by Ween, I’d probably pay more attention. But I know that those guys are capable of so many different things. This is Perez’s big musical debut, and he uses it on a one-note pee pee joke. Am I being too harsh?

I’m going post that David Bowie song as an aperitif.

  1. encyclopediablack

    So this is what Armageddon is like. Funny as I thought zombies would be involved.

  2. Ned Raggett

    Not since Richard Simmons’ “Reach”!

  3. Tauwan

    I saw this song this morning and couldn’t even bring myself to press play. And I love pressing play on posted mp3′s, especially those that are embedded right there on the page. Even thought about bringing this to the attention of those I call my friends via an e-mail, text, or blog post or something. But I just couldn’t.

    P.S. It was one thing when a record company wanted his input in regards to breaking new artists or whatever [Did that ever happen BTW?], but to let the man actually step inside a studio and record something? That’s just wrong y’all, wrong. If I hear this in a club during the I Kissed A Girl/Gimme More/Low/Damaged block, I will straight exit the dancefloor, stand in a corner, and pout. [All while nursing a stiff drink of course]

  4. Tauwan

    I also joke all the time with my friends about how I’m gonna cut a track about tigers, sex, and sustenance, or just repeat that chant over and over again on the hook [sing it with me now: TIGERS! SEX! SUSTENANCE! It'll be like that song in Party Monster- "fame, money, success, glamour" or whatever- except you know, DFA approved and Diplo remixed] set it all to some synths, a metronome, a grooving indie-disco back beat, and maybe some finger snaps or hand claps, post it on Myspace and YouTube and become the new hot shit bubbling up from the underground. I guess if I put my mind to it, this “dream” could very well become a reality. Right Perez?


  5. Anonymous

    It’s not as bad as the Chris Crocker single. But it’s still pretty rank.

  6. narymary

    It’s “chessy”? It’s a song about two people playing a game of the mind? Oh, Perez, please finish swallowing your own ass and put us out of our misery.

  7. Anonymous

    This is crap, but it’s miles above the crap that Chris Crocker and Jeffree Star have been inflicting on the interwebs’ ears. At least there is more than one vocal style involved. Cream of the Crap, I guess.

  8. cheesebubble

    @Ned Raggett: RIGHT ON

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