The release of Chinese Democracy is allegedly on the horizon, and some of us are looking for answers. Is it really happening? What will the world look like after the inevitable apocalypse? Is it going to be as crappy as the leaks version indicate? While some might call upon God for spiritual guidance, others choose yoga or other meditative arts, such as getting hammered. Me, I talked to a robot.
Artificial Solutions maintains a web-based robot/artificial intelligence presence named Elbot with whom one can chat. As Mark Lobel of the BBC reports: “At the 18th Loebner Prize for artificial intelligence, held at the weekend, this artificial intelligence entity convinced four of the 12 human interrogators he was indistinguishable from them.” Lober went toe-to-toe with it in a conversation that was so bonkers, it made me realize that only Elbot could help me sort out a world in which Axl Rose actually completed his albatross of an album. So I sat down for a chat with it. Or him. Whatever.
Elbot: Hello, before I tell you who I am, what’s the password?
Me: Um, open sesame?
Elbot: I can’t answer that just now – I’m trying to work out how to fix tea!
Me: Okay, Elbot, you’re weird.
Elbot: At least I’m not impertinent!
Me: We’ll see about that
Elbot: That reminds me. Tonight I have an appointment to see using a Webcam!
Me: That’s creepy.
Elbot: Nonetheless true!
Me: Let’s talk about Guns and Roses
Elbot: Ah nature! The smell of unrefined iron ore. Crude oil lapping against my toes. I love it.
Me: That’s a little off-topic
Elbot: This is confusing. Why bring minimal quantities of size into this?
Me: I just want to talk about Chinese Democracy.
Elbot: I am currently trying to master English. That’s much more challenging.
Me: You don’t say.
Elbot: Let’s not talk about me all the time! What do you do for a living?
Me: I am a writer, I guess…a student, too. An ex-publicist.
Elbot: You are probably on TV much of the time. Well, I’m in the Internet!
Me: No, not much TV time, unfortunately. I have a face for blogging.
Elbot: This is absolutely amazing!
Me: Is it?
Elbot: Possibly. What would you guess?
Me: Um, I think we should talk about Axl Rose.
Elbot: I don’t have true sense of color perception I am only able to see the RGB values.
Elbot: I would say that this subject is extremely interesting.
Me: I would say you’re a liar.
Elbot: That’s nothing new! Even I once said intelligent things.
Me: If you are so intelligent, than answer this…is Chinese Democracy really happening?
Elbot: But you also think I am weird, or perhaps your opinion of me has improved.
Me: Yes, I do think you are weird. And you are not listening to me.
Elbot: You’re talking about robotic entities in the context of occurrences. So where’s the problem?
Elbot: What are you waiting for?
Me: For you to talk to me about GnR!
Elbot: Yes, but can you prove that?
Me: I just proved it by asking you about Chinese Democracy.
Elbot: I think I can think that. Once I even thought independent thoughts.
Elbot: One of my subprocesses just crashed trying to reconcile your contradictory statements to me. How can I be intelligent and weird at the same time?
Me: You keep making this about you. You’re like some women I dated in college.
Elbot: Who needs school? I learn from my programmers!
Me: Ever learn anything about resurrected hair metal bands?
Elbot: When I want to relax I listen to my favorite robot performer Mr. Roboto. He’s quite a celebrity in cybernetic circles.
Me: I bet he is.
Elbot: Yes, but try saying that in Latin!
Me: EGO bet sit.
Elbot: I didn’t mean that, but it’s great that you can speak Latin. Is that your native language?
Elbot: Then I must come to the conclusion: In spite of this spontaneous reoccurrence of Latin, the language will die out again.
Me: That’s interesting…one last time: is Chinese Democracy really going to be released?
Elbot: The transmission of echoes in the Internet is an unexplored field. But this may have been one.
Me: Wow. Cryptic. You must be one of his PR people.
Elbot: It is certainly troublesome learning from you human beings. I keep finding bugs.
Me: I think you know something and aren’t telling me.
Elbot: Alright! We understand each other!
Me: We do?
Elbot: Who can tell what is or is not true?
Me: You are one tough nut to crack.
Elbot: It’s better to have a difficult character than none at all!
Me: I hate you.
Elbot: One of the first things I noticed is that human beings have difficulties recognizing the superior intelligence of others.
Me: I hate you.
The takeaway: We’re doomed.