I Asked A Robot About “Chinese Democracy”

Oct 16th, 2008 // 17 Comments

The release of Chinese Democracy is allegedly on the horizon, and some of us are looking for answers. Is it really happening? What will the world look like after the inevitable apocalypse? Is it going to be as crappy as the leaks version indicate? While some might call upon God for spiritual guidance, others choose yoga or other meditative arts, such as getting hammered. Me, I talked to a robot.

Artificial Solutions maintains a web-based robot/artificial intelligence presence named Elbot with whom one can chat. As Mark Lobel of the BBC reports: “At the 18th Loebner Prize for artificial intelligence, held at the weekend, this artificial intelligence entity convinced four of the 12 human interrogators he was indistinguishable from them.” Lober went toe-to-toe with it in a conversation that was so bonkers, it made me realize that only Elbot could help me sort out a world in which Axl Rose actually completed his albatross of an album. So I sat down for a chat with it. Or him. Whatever.

Elbot: Hello, before I tell you who I am, what’s the password?
Me: Um, open sesame?
Elbot: I can’t answer that just now – I’m trying to work out how to fix tea!
Me: Okay, Elbot, you’re weird.
Elbot: At least I’m not impertinent!
Me: We’ll see about that
Elbot: That reminds me. Tonight I have an appointment to see using a Webcam!
Me: That’s creepy.
Elbot: Nonetheless true!
Me: Let’s talk about Guns and Roses
Elbot: Ah nature! The smell of unrefined iron ore. Crude oil lapping against my toes. I love it.
Me: That’s a little off-topic
Elbot: This is confusing. Why bring minimal quantities of size into this?
Me: I just want to talk about Chinese Democracy.
Elbot: I am currently trying to master English. That’s much more challenging.
Me: You don’t say.
Elbot: Let’s not talk about me all the time! What do you do for a living?
Me: I am a writer, I guess…a student, too. An ex-publicist.
Elbot: You are probably on TV much of the time. Well, I’m in the Internet!
Me: No, not much TV time, unfortunately. I have a face for blogging.
Elbot: This is absolutely amazing!
Me: Is it?
Elbot: Possibly. What would you guess?
Me: Um, I think we should talk about Axl Rose.
Elbot: I don’t have true sense of color perception I am only able to see the RGB values.
Me: Wow.
Elbot: I would say that this subject is extremely interesting.
Me: I would say you’re a liar.
Elbot: That’s nothing new! Even I once said intelligent things.
Me: If you are so intelligent, than answer this…is Chinese Democracy really happening?
Elbot: But you also think I am weird, or perhaps your opinion of me has improved.
Me: Yes, I do think you are weird. And you are not listening to me.
Elbot: You’re talking about robotic entities in the context of occurrences. So where’s the problem?
Me: Uh…
Elbot: What are you waiting for?
Me: For you to talk to me about GnR!
Elbot: Yes, but can you prove that?
Me: I just proved it by asking you about Chinese Democracy.
Elbot: I think I can think that. Once I even thought independent thoughts.
Me: Sigh.
Elbot: One of my subprocesses just crashed trying to reconcile your contradictory statements to me. How can I be intelligent and weird at the same time?
Me: You keep making this about you. You’re like some women I dated in college.
Elbot: Who needs school? I learn from my programmers!
Me: Ever learn anything about resurrected hair metal bands?
Elbot: When I want to relax I listen to my favorite robot performer Mr. Roboto. He’s quite a celebrity in cybernetic circles.
Me: I bet he is.
Elbot: Yes, but try saying that in Latin!
Me: EGO bet sit.
Elbot: I didn’t mean that, but it’s great that you can speak Latin. Is that your native language?
Me: Nope.
Elbot: Then I must come to the conclusion: In spite of this spontaneous reoccurrence of Latin, the language will die out again.
Me: That’s interesting…one last time: is Chinese Democracy really going to be released?
Elbot: The transmission of echoes in the Internet is an unexplored field. But this may have been one.
Me: Wow. Cryptic. You must be one of his PR people.
Elbot: It is certainly troublesome learning from you human beings. I keep finding bugs.
Me: I think you know something and aren’t telling me.
Elbot: Alright! We understand each other!
Me: We do?
Elbot: Who can tell what is or is not true?
Me: You are one tough nut to crack.
Elbot: It’s better to have a difficult character than none at all!
Me: I hate you.
Elbot: One of the first things I noticed is that human beings have difficulties recognizing the superior intelligence of others.
Me: I hate you.

The takeaway: We’re doomed.

Elbot [Elbot.com]

  1. El Zilcho!

    Is this the best we can do, science? I don’t think we need to worry about the machines rising up and revolting anytime soon. It’ll probably happen around the release of Chinese Democracy.

  2. Anonymous

    Definitely playing hard to get. Pushed back to spring ’09.

  3. iantenna

    this is the most incongruous abbott and costello routine of all time, or it’s waiting for godot-bot.

  4. Anonymous

    Elbot is like your over-sheltered, over-educated, only child younger cousin. Vaguely charming in their peculiarity, but ultimate too weird to deal with sober. I hate him.

  5. jfk1624

    This is the greatest thing I have ever read. Ever. @iantenna: Yes.

  6. Bob Loblaw

    @drinkypuss: Hate is a concept that cannot be expressed in binary code! Shall we play a word association game?

  7. How do I say this ... THROWDINI!

    I tried asking my Magic 8 Ball (ok, the Magic 8 Ball iPhone app) about Chinese Democracy. The results were remarkably similar.

    Oh, and for the record, the chances of a new GnR album by the end of the year are “Very Doubtful.”

  8. MayhemintheHood

    I went to chat with Elbot, and told him that artificial intelligence will take over our world. It literally said back to me “Fix it up first, then I’ll take it over.” Touche, Elbot.

  9. AL

    Elbot looks about 1000X more fun than SmarterChild.

  10. Maura Johnston

    @AL: Put them in a room together and watch the magic!

  11. Lucas Jensen

    @Maura Johnston: Uh-oh…doing that right now.

  12. iamlovebot

    Elbot is a total dick-bot.

  13. OokieDookie

    This exchange was so traumatizing that I sought therapy from Dr. Eliza.

  14. D.R. Mosby


    You say this exchange was so traumatizing that you sought therapy from Dr. Eliza?

  15. Lucas Jensen

    @Lokimotive: I will ask him next time.

  16. Anonymous

    Dr. Sbaitso would be able to help AND provide responses in a disturbing voice.

  17. jbobufcgpu

    “Heibei football future is bright ”
    Wei Jixiang yesterday comes stone accepts our newspaper exclusive special interviewWei Retao of reporter of our newspaperThe Kingdom of Wei of secretary of Party committee of Chinese football management center is lucky, appeared in Heibei to save campus football to sum up working meeting site yesterday. Before the reporter, he is repeating a cheap kids jordans word ceaselessly: “Must not think national group result is bad, with respect to football of comprehensive and negative China, we are hopeful! We are hopeful!! Football of campus of Wei Jixiang be assigned personal responsibility for, teenage training and contest work, the word that presses him says: “The boy is strong, criterion Chinese football is strong, we also cannot be defeated by future to go up in the scratch line again. The brunt forward of team of football of the Gansu Province is when Wei Jixiang is young, have ” the killer before the door ” say. Had the professional background of massiness, wei Jixiang mentions a football to come have words. Keyword: Campus footballWei Jixiang says: “In two system shunt, we appeared the talent breaks archives, this also is Chinese football the reason that wanders in trough all the time at present. Now, we are in repair slowly. The club begins to make green model, system of the whole nation also begins to take teenage football seriously, we are making up a missed lesson enrich the blood. ” he says: “We should know the educational function of campus football in the round, treat it as project of a talent will catch, weigh the new form of model China football. ” Wei Jixiang citing says: “We do not speak a talent first, let children play a football to come first, children find joy, came in naturally with respect to investment. Came in naturally with respect to investment.. Keyword: Professional league matchesMention professional league matches, wei Jixiang shows gratified smile, “Exceed in last year, in armour league matches is done very fire, rate of seat of honour is in the lance before the Asia ranks, this is the signal that Chinese football anabiosises. ” whether can grab Chinese player to numerous external assistance especially of young player ” rice bowl ” when, wei Jixiang says: “Foreign aids and domestic player do not have contradictory conflict, foreign aids number is limitary, in the meantime, their level is very high, can drive domestic player, especially teenage player technology rises. Before two days of Bei Kehan Mu come to China, my whole journey accompanied him to visit a few exceed a club in the home, the point that reachs, the tall profession accomplishment that Xiaobei shows lets Chinese player praise greatly, quality of profession of foreign aids oneself is opposite taller, this is helpful to Chinese player. This is helpful to Chinese player.. Keyword: Heibei footballTo Heibei football, wei Jixiang says: “Heibei football has brilliant history, once had sunk into, but team of the armour in also having now, I believe Heibei football future is bright. Heibei campus football is begun have distinguishing feature very much, island of emperor of Shijiazhuang, the Qin Dynasty is football of two countries campus the city that decide a dot, still a few provinces order a city surely, the child of kickball is increasing now, heibei football reproduces brilliant can be expected soon. Heibei football reproduces brilliant can be expected soon.. Sufficient to the closest country advocate handsome Kamaqiao is faced with ” finish class hearsay ” , wei Jixiang speak bluntly says: “This respect does not put in my be assigned personal responsibility for ‘s charge, but this respect I think impossible, what kind of decision, I am disadvantageous also reply. I am disadvantageous also reply..
    Above content comes from: Swallow Zhao evening paper edits: YFs001]

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