Ever wonder why the collective IQ of this country feels like it’s dropping? Wonder no more. Ted Nugent, winner of last year’s Worst Album Cover of the Year Tournament, is on the Publishers Weekly Bestsellers Nonfiction List list at lucky No. 13 with Ted, White, and Blue: The Nugent Manifesto. He’s nestled right between Suzanne Somers’ Breakthrough: Eight Steps to Wellness (No. 14) and Bob Woodward’s The War Within: A Secret White House History 2006-2008 (No. 12), a triple threat that, for some reason, makes sense to me. What do the people who’ve bought the book have to look forward to?
Well, first of all, Nugent remains a pillar of modesty:
America has been craving leadership and at last a gun-slinging, mega-rock star, deerslayer, and patriot has stepped forward to provide it.
I think we can all agree that Ted Nugent is a rock star. But a “mega-rock star?” That’s pushing it. Bob Seger, now there’s a “mega-rock star.” Lou Gramm…he’s a “mega-rock star.” But Ted Nugent? He was probably the third most successful guy in Damn Yankees, and I’m throwing in the Amboy Dukes for the heck of it. Of course, on the “deerslayer” claim there can be no doubt.
Cocked, locked, and ready to rock, the Motor City Madman, the thinking man’s Abraham Lincoln, has unleashed the ultimate high-octane political manifesto for the ages in Ted, White, and Blue the most important patriotic statement since the Constitution.
The “thinking man’s Abraham Lincoln?” Right, as opposed to the real Abraham Lincoln, well-known for his simpleton supporters and lack of political acumen. I’m sure that writing Ted’s manifesto was as easy as answering “guns” to any question he was asked, maybe throwing in a “God” or a “Rock and Roll” every once in a while to keep it interesting.
And I think we all know what the most important patriotic statement since the Consitution was: