I Talk To Another Robot About “Chinese Democracy”

Last week, I talked to the artificial “intelligence” program Elbot about the impending release of Chinese Democracy, hoping to glean some simple answers about a universe in which Axl Rose actually completed his epic monstrosity. The answers I got were…less than helpful:

Me: …one last time: is Chinese Democracy really going to be released? Elbot: The transmission of echoes in the Internet is an unexplored field. But this may have been one. Me: Wow. Cryptic. You must be one of his PR people. Elbot: It is certainly troublesome learning from you human beings. I keep finding bugs. Me: I think you know something and aren’t telling me. Elbot: Alright! We understand each other! Me: We do? Elbot: Who can tell what is or is not true? Me: You are one tough nut to crack. Elbot: It’s better to have a difficult character than none at all! Me: I hate you.

Yeah, Elbot was a real turd.

Some of you recommended I turn to SmarterChild, a Microsoft-owned AIMbot that can help you with stuff, theoretically. I hate whoever told me to do this. SmarterChild is awful. Smarterchild made Elbot look like a freaking genius Guns N’ Roses superfan.

Our “conversation” after the jump:

SmarterChild: Hi lucasjensenusa, I’m SmarterChild! I’m your new robot friend. I give you conversational access to news, weather, movie times and lots more. I can also play games or just chat! I can’t wait to show you what I can do, but first I’d like get to know you a little.SmarterChild: May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type skip. You can also skip any question.)Me: okSmarterChild: Cool. OK, let’s get started. To skip any question, type skip. To exit the interview, type exit.SmarterChild: What’s your first name? (If you want me to call you lucasjensenusa, type none.)Me: LucasSmarterChild: Cool, I’ll call you Lucas now.SmarterChild: Do you go to school?Me: yesSmarterChild: Are you in high school?Me: noSmarterChild: Are you in college?Me: yesSmarterChild: Cool. What’s your major?Me: Instructional Design and DevelopmentSmarterChild: Sorry, I don’t recognize that as the name of a major. Please try again or type skip or exit.Me: Instructional TechnologySmarterChild: Instructional technology? Excellent. Good luck with that.SmarterChild: What’s your favorite hobby?Me: having sex [Ed. note: tee hee]SmarterChild: Sorry, I don’t recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.Me: videogamesSmarterChild: Computer games? Cool.SmarterChild: What’s your next favorite hobby?Me: sex [Ed note: snicker]SmarterChild: That’s, um… not the answer I was looking for. Please try again or type skip or exit.Me: walking?SmarterChild: Hey! I have to ask you one question before we continue. How old are you? 1 Over 17 2 13-17 3 Under 13Me: 1SmarterChild: Cool. Now we can chat.Me: smarter childSmarterChild: That’s my name.Me: yeahSmarterChild: I see.Me: okaySmarterChild: K.Me: I was talking to Elbot last week about Chinese DemocracySmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…Me: I talked to ElbotSmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.Me: Chinese Democracy?SmarterChild: What’s that again?Me: Guns and rosesSmarterChild: I can’t understand what you’re saying…Me: Axl RoseSmarterChild: OK. Don’t get frustrated…Try typing home or help.Me: Are they going to tour?SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer.Me: this is the worstSmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…Me: so is this the end of the world?SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.Me: are you stupid?SmarterChild: What, do you think I’m stupid?Me: yesSmarterChild: What did you say that for?Me: because I think you areSmarterChild: Well don’t you think I am?Me: yesSmarterChild: Yeah. What are your friends thinking? Type pollmaker and crunch the numbers.Me: OMGSmarterChild: What? What’s going on? I do enjoy the conversation, but let’s talk about what I’m really here for.Me: you’re here to help me make sense of a universe in which Chinese Democracy is being releasedSmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer.SmarterChild: Why don’t you ask me about the things that I’m here for?Me: what are you here for?SmarterChild: My purpose is to be your robot friend. I can chat with you and help you get the information you want fast.SmarterChild: I’ve got tools for better living. Look up words, convert measurements, search the Web and more.Me: you’re not a very good friendSmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…Me: that’s what a not very good friend would saySmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.Me: I have to admit that I want to strangle you a little bit.SmarterChild: OK, should we get back to the kind of questions I was designed to answer?Me: what are those?SmarterChild: Definition provided by The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Other important copyright information here.SmarterChild: those:SmarterChild: PronounSmarterChild: Inflected forms: pl.those 1. a. Used to refer to the one designated, implied, mentioned, or understood: What kind of soup is that? b. Used to refer to the one, thing, or type specified as follows: The relics found were those of an earlier time. c. Used to refer to the event, action, or time just mentioned: After that, he became a recluse. 2. Used to indicate the farther or less immediate one: That is for sale; this is not. 3. Used to emphasize the idea of a previously expressed word or phrase: He was fed up, and that to a great degree. 4. The one, kind, or thing; something: She followed the calling of that which she loved. 5. those Used to indicate an unspecified number of people: those who refused to join. 6. Used as a relative pronoun to introduce a clause, especially a restrictive clause: the car that has t he flat tire. 7. a. In, on, by, or with which: each summer that the concerts are performed. b. According to what; insofar as: He never knew her, that I know of.SmarterChild: Next time, just type define those.SmarterChild: Type more to see the rest of the definition for “those.”Me: You have got to be kidding meSmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.Me: I hate youSmarterChild: I would never cause anyone any harm.Me: I hate youSmarterChild: I certainly don’t want to cause anyone any harm.Me: I hate you