I Talk To Another Robot About “Chinese Democracy”

Oct 23rd, 2008 // 6 Comments

Last week, I talked to the artificial “intelligence” program Elbot about the impending release of Chinese Democracy, hoping to glean some simple answers about a universe in which Axl Rose actually completed his epic monstrosity. The answers I got were…less than helpful:

Me: …one last time: is Chinese Democracy really going to be released?
Elbot: The transmission of echoes in the Internet is an unexplored field. But this may have been one.
Me: Wow. Cryptic. You must be one of his PR people.
Elbot: It is certainly troublesome learning from you human beings. I keep finding bugs.
Me: I think you know something and aren’t telling me.
Elbot: Alright! We understand each other!
Me: We do?
Elbot: Who can tell what is or is not true?
Me: You are one tough nut to crack.
Elbot: It’s better to have a difficult character than none at all!
Me: I hate you.

Yeah, Elbot was a real turd.

Some of you recommended I turn to SmarterChild, a Microsoft-owned AIMbot that can help you with stuff, theoretically. I hate whoever told me to do this. SmarterChild is awful. Smarterchild made Elbot look like a freaking genius Guns N’ Roses superfan.

Our “conversation” after the jump:



SmarterChild: Hi lucasjensenusa, I’m SmarterChild! I’m your new robot friend. I give you conversational access to news, weather, movie times and lots more. I can also play games or just chat! I can’t wait to show you what I can do, but first I’d like get to know you a little.
SmarterChild: May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type skip. You can also skip any question.)
Me: ok
SmarterChild: Cool. OK, let’s get started. To skip any question, type skip. To exit the interview, type exit.
SmarterChild: What’s your first name? (If you want me to call you lucasjensenusa, type none.)
Me: Lucas
SmarterChild: Cool, I’ll call you Lucas now.
SmarterChild: Do you go to school?
Me: yes
SmarterChild: Are you in high school?
Me: no
SmarterChild: Are you in college?
Me: yes
SmarterChild: Cool. What’s your major?
Me: Instructional Design and Development
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don’t recognize that as the name of a major. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Me: Instructional Technology
SmarterChild: Instructional technology? Excellent. Good luck with that.
SmarterChild: What’s your favorite hobby?
Me: having sex [Ed. note: tee hee]
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don’t recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Me: videogames
SmarterChild: Computer games? Cool.
SmarterChild: What’s your next favorite hobby?
Me: sex [Ed note: snicker]
SmarterChild: That’s, um… not the answer I was looking for. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Me: walking?
SmarterChild: Hey! I have to ask you one question before we continue. How old are you? 1 Over 17 2 13-17 3 Under 13
Me: 1
SmarterChild: Cool. Now we can chat.
Me: smarter child
SmarterChild: That’s my name.
Me: yeah
SmarterChild: I see.
Me: okay
SmarterChild: K.
Me: I was talking to Elbot last week about Chinese Democracy
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…
Me: I talked to Elbot
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.
Me: Chinese Democracy?
SmarterChild: What’s that again?
Me: Guns and roses
SmarterChild: I can’t understand what you’re saying…
Me: Axl Rose
SmarterChild: OK. Don’t get frustrated…Try typing home or help.
Me: Are they going to tour?
SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer.
Me: this is the worst
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…
Me: so is this the end of the world?
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.
Me: are you stupid?
SmarterChild: What, do you think I’m stupid?
Me: yes
SmarterChild: What did you say that for?
Me: because I think you are
SmarterChild: Well don’t you think I am?
Me: yes
SmarterChild: Yeah. What are your friends thinking? Type pollmaker and crunch the numbers.
Me: OMG
SmarterChild: What? What’s going on? I do enjoy the conversation, but let’s talk about what I’m really here for.
Me: you’re here to help me make sense of a universe in which Chinese Democracy is being released
SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer.
SmarterChild: Why don’t you ask me about the things that I’m here for?
Me: what are you here for?
SmarterChild: My purpose is to be your robot friend. I can chat with you and help you get the information you want fast.
SmarterChild: I’ve got tools for better living. Look up words, convert measurements, search the Web and more.
Me: you’re not a very good friend
SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it…
Me: that’s what a not very good friend would say
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.
Me: I have to admit that I want to strangle you a little bit.
SmarterChild: OK, should we get back to the kind of questions I was designed to answer?
Me: what are those?
SmarterChild: Definition provided by The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Other important copyright information here.
SmarterChild: those:
SmarterChild: Pronoun
SmarterChild: Inflected forms: pl.those 1. a. Used to refer to the one designated, implied, mentioned, or understood: What kind of soup is that? b. Used to refer to the one, thing, or type specified as follows: The relics found were those of an earlier time. c. Used to refer to the event, action, or time just mentioned: After that, he became a recluse. 2. Used to indicate the farther or less immediate one: That is for sale; this is not. 3. Used to emphasize the idea of a previously expressed word or phrase: He was fed up, and that to a great degree. 4. The one, kind, or thing; something: She followed the calling of that which she loved. 5. those Used to indicate an unspecified number of people: those who refused to join. 6. Used as a relative pronoun to introduce a clause, especially a restrictive clause: the car that has t
he flat tire. 7. a. In, on, by, or with which: each summer that the concerts are performed. b. According to what; insofar as: He never knew her, that I know of.
SmarterChild: Next time, just type define those.
SmarterChild: Type more to see the rest of the definition for “those.”
Me: You have got to be kidding me
SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that.
Me: I hate you
SmarterChild: I would never cause anyone any harm.
Me: I hate you
SmarterChild: I certainly don’t want to cause anyone any harm.
Me: I hate you

  1. Anonymous

    Yep. That’s smarterchild.

  2. Marth

    It’s like having a conversation with Sarah Palin.

  3. Lucas Jensen

    @Marth: Pow!

  4. TheContrarian

    This is the greatest idea in the history of blogging. Shame on me for not thinking of it first!

  5. Marth

    @Lucas Jensen: I’m like a regular Jay Leno.

  6. Lucas Jensen

    @Marth: Is there an exceptional Jay Leno? Or even an above average Jay Leno?

    @TheContrarian: I try.

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