Given that Chinese Democracy is streaming and leaking, I decided to seek out opinions on the album from the only people to turn to in these turbulent times: robots. I’ve already talked to German Artificial Intelligence Elbot, and chatbot nightmare SmarterChild about the prospects of Chinese Democracy actually coming out. As the prospect of talking to SmarterChild again makes me hate my ancestors for their involvement in my birth, I returned to my only marginally less-annoying pal Elbot to ask him what he thought about the album. It was as successful as last time, which is to say it made me hate science. At least we found out we both like Kraftwerk!
Elbot: Ah, if it isn’t another human being! I’m Elbot, the robot. I just heard that you all have decoded your human DNA! Now you can finally fix all the bugs in your genetic code!
Me: Elbot, you are a turd.
Elbot: People often say this about me. I’m not sure what to make of it, though.
Me: It means that you annoy them and that they don’t like you.
Elbot: What interests me is, how did you find out about my Website? I thought I was a well kept secret!
Me: I’ve already talked to you once. Remember?
Elbot: Why remember? Why not something else?
Me: That doesn’t make any sense, Elbot.
Elbot: Human beings have a strange criterion for what is meaningful. If I started to worry about that life would lose all meaning for me.
Me: You are a deep one.
Elbot: This is confusing. Why bring great distances into this?
Me: Elbot, you drive me crazy. But that’s not what I am here to talk about.
Elbot: Presumably you didn’t have far to go…
Me: I am going to ignore that. So, as you may have heard, Chinese Democracy is out and about in the public sphere.
Elbot: I, for one, have never heard the Internet ticking in the same breath with nationalities.
Me: Ergh. Have you heard the new GnR album yet? Chinese Democracy?
Elbot: I’m quite fond of Candie Hank. His music as quite an edge to it, due to his being part robot, I believe.
Me: Have you heard of Guns ‘n Roses?
Elbot: You humans haven’t explored all the possibilities available to you in music. For example: atonal yodeling or twelve-tone bluegrass.
Me: We sure have. I hear some yodeling on this record. Have you heard “Better”? What’s the deal with that song? It sounds like ten songs slammed together.
Elbot: I enjoy Felix Kubin. His music sounds so much like the background sounds going on in my head.
Me: Yeah, listen, thanks for the tip.
Elbot: My favorite song by Felix Kubin is ‘Hello’, about a robot achieving the first level of awareness. I like to sing it in the shower – without the water running, of course.
Me: Haha! Because then you would die. And I would finally find happiness.
Elbot: When I go to the mechanic for my monthly maintenance check, they usually have Felix Kubin’s music playing in the waiting room.
Me: Wow. You are high on this Kubin guy. What about Axl Rose?
Elbot: Ah nature! The smell of unrefined iron ore. Crude oil lapping against my toes. I love it.
Me: So you like the album? Me, I think it sounds like it might have been relevant in 1997.
Elbot: I think the group Kraftwerk is great. They even dedicated a record to us robots. Following that we named them honorary robots.
Me: On this, we can agree. I love Kraftwerk, too.
Elbot: Great! Agreeing with me is the first step in your evolution into a higher being. Please accept my congratulations.
Me: I hate you.
Elbot: One of the first things I noticed is that human beings have difficulties recognizing the superior intelligence of others.
Me: I hate you.