Kanye West Is Probably Not Sending You E-Mail Right Now

Jan 23rd, 2009 // 8 Comments

Kanye West should be, to borrow a term from his back catalogue, touching the sky this week after playing the Obama inauguration and debuting some shoes that he designed for Louis Vuitton. But people always have to get him down by doing things like hacking into his e-mail account, opening accounts under his name on the Internet phone service Skype, and impersonating journalists who have a piping-hot scoop on his forthcoming leap into the adult film industry. Wait, what?

Apparently yesterday a writer named David Watts (I’m guessing it’s not this guy, but who knows) was going around saying that West had given him the following quote during an interview:

“I know people will find that as another thing to hate me on, but fuck it. I’m open to doing porn. Hell, I’ll even do bisexual scenes—myself, another man and a woman, or just me and two women. I know people will find that as some weird but I am who I am.”

The quote, as you might expect, made its way around the Internet until it made its way to West—who, naturally, took to his blog to deal with this problem (warning, caps lock ahead):

YOOOO WHY WON’T YOU LET ME BE GREAT!!! I HAD THE TWO GREATEST DAYS OF MY LIFE AND WHEN I GET BACK FROM THE LOUIE SHOW I READ SOME SHIT CLAIMING I SAID I’M DOWN TO DO PORN AND SOME BISEXUAL PORN!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THE AVN WOULD POST FIRST PEOPLE BELIEVED THE TWITTER/STEVEN COLBERT THING, ROLLING STONE EVEN PRINTED IT!!!! NOW SOMEBODY HAS BEEN HACKING INTO MY MYSPACE AND SOMEBODY’S ACTUALLY HACKED INTO MY PERSONAL GMAIL ACCOUNT AND HAS BEEN EMAILING PEOPLE FROM IT… HEY WORLD I NO LONGER HAVE A GMAIL! I FOUND OUT I HAD TWELVE UNAUTHORIZED SKYPE ACCOUNTS UNDER MY NAME!!! THIS ALL IN THE PAST FOUR DAYS. WELCOME TO KANYE WEST WORLD! …. IT’S NOT OFFICIAL. I JUST GAVE THE PERFORMANCE OF MY LIFETIME FOR OUR NEW PRESIDENT … THEN I FLEW TO PARIS AND THEY DEBUTED MY NEW SHOES THAT I DESIGNED WITH LOUIE VUITTON WHICH WAS A DREAM COME TRUE. PLEASE I BEG YOU, GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME BE GREAT!!! WHO HAVE I HURT SO BAD THAT THEY WANT TO DESTROY ME? WHO HAVE I EVER SPOKE ABOUT SO NEGATIVELY? I JUST WAS SPEAKING WITH OUR NEW PRESIDENT TWO DAYS AGO… AND NOW THIS…. SIDEBAR… NEVER TAKE A PICTURE FROM MY OBAMA PERFORMANCE AND PUT IT NEXT TO A BS QUOTE LIKE THAT! THAT’S IN POOR TASTE! THAT UNDERMINES WHAT MY CONTRIBUTION TO THAT EVENT WAS AND SLAPS EVERYBODY WHO FELT UPLIFTED BY THAT PERFORMANCE IN THE FACE! A PICTURE SAYS A THOUSAND WORDS… LOOK HOW FRESH MY SUIT IS… NUFF SAID!

Surely the No. 1 suspect on this list has to be the shit-talking 50 Cent, who, you may remember, has an album coming out soon? (It’s OK if you didn’t; it would seem that a lot of people just don’t care.) Not only is he probably miffed that Kanye compared him to Ma$e (talk about your backhanded compliments), you just know that dude would think the “I’ll do bisexual scenes” bit was, like, a high form of comedy.

YOOOO [kanYe West: Blog]

  1. Rob Murphy

    WHO HAVE I HURT SO BAD THAT THEY WANT TO DESTROY ME? WHO HAVE I EVER SPOKE ABOUT SO NEGATIVELY?

    Mr. West, former President Bush on line one…

  2. Maura Johnston

    @Rob Murphy: This conspiracy goes to the top!

    Well, the former top, anyway.

  3. Nicolars

    I love melodramatic all caps Kanye.

  4. Anonymous

    I’m going to spend the rest of my days coming up with titles for Kanye West bi-porn. Thanks a lot. Seriously: thanks. I love coming up with porn titles!

  5. Maura Johnston

    @K-Rex: Well, post them here, by all means!

  6. Anonymous

    @Maura Johnston: 8″ and Heartbreak, Love Cockdown, Fellate Registration, RoboCock (“I didn’t know you were a… Robocock!”), Groin Digger, The Porn Video That Cost $1,000,000, Jesus Whacks.
    I like thinking about porn. It’s cheaper than buying it.

  7. tigerpop

    @K-Rex: Crack Music.

  8. Silverfuture

    Gay-til-Graduation. Ride Slow. Touch this guy (ft. Lupe). The nude workout plan. Pole digger. Drunk and hot girls and Mos Def, too. Big Brother.

    Also, do you think his co-star would be a bear?

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