We are now less than seven days out from the 2009 Grammy Awards, the most important night in music that few people truly care about. We wanted to do something to pay tribute to this great institution that, once a year, reminds us that long past their prime artists are still making records people enjoy. And so, Idolator is proud to announce the 2009 Grammy Awards Awards, recognizing the most Grammy-esque things the Grammys have done in the past year.
The first category recognizes one of the most enduring legacies the Grammies has given us: categories which, from their conception to their honorees, make us weep for the future of music as an artform. Ladies and gentlemen, your nominees for Most Soul-Crushing Category:
Best Rock Album
Earns its stripes this year by not just hitting the “out-of-touch” thing dead-on, but actively awarding mediocrity by nominating a lackluster Coldplay album, a boring Kings of Leon album, and a phoned-in Kid Rock album that was most notable for the way its digital merchandising strategy paid off. Rock and roll will never die, y’all.
Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical
Not just because it includes will.i.am! We also have the Johnny K, who produced three of the most loathsome rock albums of the year (Staind, Plain White Ts, 3 Doors Down); Danger Mouse in a year when he accomplished nothing of import; and Nigel Godrich, who got nominated just for In Rainbows. And will.i.am.
Best Surround Sound Album
Because apparently Ringo Starr made a surround sound album.
Best Classical Contemporary Composition
Despite the exceedingly broad inclusion criteria—”For a contemporary classical composition composed within the last 25 years, and released for the first time during the Eligibility Year”—the nomination committee still managed to give a nod to “Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems Of Bob Dylan.”
And The Envelope, Please: This year’s winner has to be Producer Of The Year, if only because of its (relative) strength in previous Grammy years. Not to mention will.i.am.