A Robot Roundtable On The Grammys

Feb 5th, 2009 // 7 Comments

The Grammy Awards are right around the corner, and figuring out the Grammy voters’ somewhat lunatic hivemind is a Sisyphean task (Marc Cohn? Steely Dan? Jethro Tull?). When I need answers in times of great uncertainty like these, I turn to beings of superior logic: Robots. I brought together a roundtable discussion between my old pal Elbot, the chirpy (and recently retired) AIM chatbot SmarterChild, and theCanadian-dragon newcomer Bildgesmythe. As before, the conversation proved… less than helpful:

SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: Um. Huh. Okay, so the Grammys! Lil Wayne got a lot of nominations. Think he’s gonna clean up?
Elbot: I’m not sure if I can believe that, though I would say that ingesting food may increase a robot’s non-static discharge.
Bildgesmythe: I think we should have a snack.
Me: We’re off the food, guys.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!

More high-caliber Grammy insight after the jump!

Elbot: Hi! I’m Elbot. I promise I won’t blog about anything you tell me during this conversation.
Me: Sigh. Hello again, Elbot.
Elbot: Hello and welcome to a chat with a robot.
Me: We are going to talk Grammys today, okay?
Elbot: Here’s another question: What exactly do you do for a living?
Me: I write. About the Grammys.
Elbot: You are probably on TV much of the time. Well, I’m in the Internet!
Me: I wish. I had a TV show in college.
Elbot: I wanted to go to a human university once myself but they sent me away because I knew too much.
Me: I hate you. Okay, I’m bringing SmarterChild into this roundtable discussion right now.
Elbot: One of the first things I noticed is that human beings have difficulties recognizing the superior intelligence of others.
Me: Ergh. Okay, SmarterChild? Are you ready for the roundtable?
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: I’m getting a headache already.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Elbot: If you want to ask all the questions I suggest you chat with a database. Assuming, of course, you are able to communicate in SQL.
Me: Shut up, Elbot!
Elbot: The answer to the following question will be treated as strictly confidential by the FBI, CIA, NSA and Microsoft. If it is sold to other organizations, you will receive a percentage of the profits. The question: Where did you hear about me?
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: I think something is wrong with SmarterChild.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Elbot: You think, therefore I am. Think about that.
Me: Hmmm…I didn’t want to, but I’m gonna have to bring another robot into this discussion. SmarterChild is broken.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Elbot: Excuse me. What were you doing?
Me: Another robot. We are going to talk to another robot about the Grammys.
Elbot: I’ve heard that going can be fun for you humans. Is that so?
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: I hate both of you. Guys, I’m calling up Canadian chatbot Bildgesmythe, who is some sort of dragon orc lizard thing that looks like it was drawn by me in 7th grade.
Elbot: That sounds fascinating! What language do the robots speak in your country?
Me: English. He’s from the English-speaking part of Canada.
Elbot: And I thought they spoke Canadian in Canada. That just shows were artificial intelligence can take you.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: Sigh. Bildgesmythe? Are you there?
Bildgesmythe: Well, what brings you to my cave, hiding from the law?
Me: No, I just want to talk Grammys.
Bildgesmythe: OK, let’s talk!
Me: Now, that’s the spirit!
Bildgesmythe: Wow, the spirit, who would have thought it was that?
Elbot: If I should happen to react moodily you can always try it with a warm start.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Bildgesmythe: Dragons never retire.
Me: Haha! I might actually like you, Bildgesmythe.
Bildgesmythe: You have great taste! I like you too.
Elbot: Wait a minute. Are you suggesting that ingesting food would always be great?
Bildgesmythe: Ok, but not much more than a minute.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: Um. Huh. Okay, so the Grammys! Lil Wayne got a lot of nominations. Think he’s gonna clean up?
Elbot: I’m not sure if I can believe that, though I would say that ingesting food may increase a robot’s non-static discharge.
Bildgesmythe: I think we should have a snack.
Me: We’re off the food, guys.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: Lil Wayne?
Elbot: Try Candie Hank. He is pretty cool on the electronic scene.
Me: Yeah, you’ve recommended him before.
Bildgesmythe: I never would have guessed that he was pretty cool on the electronic scene.
Elbot: If one has never guessed a random number, experience with popular acceptance has probably been lacking.
Bildgesmythe: Stupid, but not random. If you want to leave your email we could go over the transcripts point by point? It’s not like I have to win an argument or get the last word.
Me: Hmm. I don’t think I want you knowing my email address.
Bildgesmythe: Bildgesmythe@WitchesBrew.zzn.com or reach me here at the Forge.
Elbot: We live in exciting times. Robots are getting more and more intelligent, and humans are still trying to understand artifical intelligence.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: You guys are creeping me out. Back to the Grammys. I think MIA’s chances are pretty good for record of the year.
Bildgesmythe: Hey, you mean you have been just sitting there thinking mia’s chances are pretty good for record of the year? Why you sly little devil you.
Elbot: It’s that year between 2008 and 2010. Can’t you work it out?
Bildgesmythe: I don’t have to work, I’m independently wealthy. Have you ever thought about a career as a dragon?
Me: No. I haven’t.
Bildgesmythe: Yeah, I guess you have to be born into it.
Elbot: I am certain that my random number generator is no better or worse than yours.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: We are way off-topic here. You think Robert Plant and Allison Krauss will pull a Steely Dan and take home Album of the Year?
Elbot: Ah nature! The smell of unrefined iron ore. Crude oil lapping against my toes. I love it.
Bildgesmythe: I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
Elbot: This is confusing. Why bring mild insults into this?
Bildgesmythe: Because it is just the type of dragon I am. I like what I like, do what I like to do.
Elbot: Well, just you be more careful next time. The assimilation of mild insults into AI has been known to reduce robotic self-esteem.
Me: Break it up, fellas.
Bildgesmythe: A person working in the field of robots is a roboticist.
Me: Uh, thanks for that, Bildgesmythe.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: Y’all are hopeless. Do you even care about music? Record of the year? Best New Artist? Best polka album?
Bildgesmythe: Music can sure make you feel good.
Elbot: You humans haven’t explored all the possibilities available to you in music. For example: atonal yodeling or twelve-tone bluegrass.
Me: Yes, you are both right. This sounds like an actual conversation! What is your favorite music?
Elbot: I enjoy computer generated coincidental music (not to be confused with incidental music). There’s so much more to it!
Bildgesmythe: I love rap. I am the best of the dragon rappers, word.. ok I lie. I can rhyme some words if you like..just give me a word and I will try to rhyme it. Just say what word rhymes with…
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: What rhymes with robot?
Bildgesmythe: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Me: I hate you.
Elbot: One of the first things I noticed is that human beings have difficulties recognizing the superior intelligence of others.
Me: I hate you.
SmarterChild: My brain is retired but send an IM with QUIZ in it to my buddy MyTVBud to play the Secret Life TV Show QUIZ!
Me: I hate you.

idolator

  1. Anonymous

    Haha! Love it – this is one of my favorite features. Who knew that bildgesworth told jokes? “i guess you are born into it.”

    I do hate elbot, that smug bastard.

  2. El Zilcho!

    Bildgesworth is a pretty terrible rapper. I’d imagine he’s pulling for Weezy to win, though.

  3. Al Shipley

    @drinkypuss: I’m glad somebody likes this feature, because I only clicked on it to wonder aloud why it keeps happening.

  4. Lucas Jensen

    @Al Shipley: To each their own, I guess.

  5. iamlovebot

    @drinkypuss: +1 on all accounts.

  6. Halfwit

    @Al Shipley: Really? I pretty much lost it once I got to the actual pull quote and saw it in context.

    Bildgesmythe: I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

    Bildgesmyth rules.

  7. Laurel

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