The Jonas Brothers Are Virtually In Your Lap

Our look at the closing lines of the week’s biggest new-music reviews takes a tween detour to read the somewhat awkward reactions to Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, in theatres today.

• “How they reacted to seeing all the crowds was actually the most surprising part of the movie. Maybe they’re saving it all for the very special DVD Concert Experience ,on sale soon, no doubt.” [Glenn Gamboa, Newsday]

• “I refer to the moment where the 
boys grab big fire hoses, hold them like… fire hoses… and spray the heads of their moaning girl fans with thick geysers of, um, foam. The girls respond by holding up their lighted little wands. The whole sequence becomes so phallic that the movie seems to be breaking loose toward Spinal Tap territory. Then it 
 returns safely to Disney earth with the 
 heavenly message encoded in the boys’ finger jewelry: Abstinence only, kids!” [Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly]

• “Taking the stage, alongside a platoon of session men riffing for their supper while the boys do their tumbling act, are walk-ons like grinning, dusted sugarplum Demi Lovato and Miss Taylor Swift, singing her jilted, avenging-angel ‘Should’ve Said No.’ Thanks to intrusive dueting, Swift doesn’t top the barn-burning theatrics of her CMA performance, but amid such company, she’s positively hardcore.” [Nick Pinkerton, Village Voice]

• “The greatest sense of danger or tension in this film derives from the digital 3-D technology, which provides closer, more lovingly detailed views than the most expensive seats—and makes it appear as if objects from sunglasses to a police baton are lunging out at you. The threat may be as illusory as the thrills in Jonas Brothers are contrived. But that won’t stop Jonas junkies from enjoying their magical mystery tour.” [USA Today]

  • NeverEnough

    “I refer to the moment where the 
boys grab big fire hoses, hold them like… fire hoses… and spray the heads of their moaning girl fans with thick geysers of, um, foam.”

    My pants seem to have caught fire.

  • Anonymous

    @NeverEnough: I’m pretty sure that this symbolizes “technically” still abstaining. As does the part where they ask the audience to turn around and face the back of the auditorium.

  • NeverEnough

    @K-Rex: Ahahahaha!

  • Invisible Circus

    they bumped Coraline 3D for this?

    oy Disney….

    Im not shocked at the fan hosing either, history has shown us (Michael Jackson) that the more repressed you are, the stranger you will be…hosing with foam is phase one.

  • ObtuseIntolerant

    @NeverEnough: That was hilariously wrong in concert, and cannot possibly have been conceived of without understanding the symbolism…just…how could it not have been. And it is not the only phallic moment.

    I actually think it’s funny that the Jonases+fans are the squares but that they freak people out when they do sexually suggestive things. It’s clever…it seems like a pretty good way to titillate, to me, since adults are no longer shocked by salaciousness on its own.

    Anyway, they never said they were against sexiness. Just against premarital relations (whatever)…and I think one of their best assets is the energy generated by all the sexual repression on-stage and in the audience. It strikes me as more of a big duh than an oopsy…the concert itself is like the sexual act they all can’t actually (supposedly) do in reality, and that’s totally fun.

    Critics are so lame.

  • JBSister

    OMJ! Seen that movie that day it came out!
    i love it!!! I love when Danger just takes off his shirt!
    Ahhh!!!!! lol I seen that movie SO many times no lie!
    ahaha the Jonas Brothers ROCK!

  • Jude Deso

    Es posible contactar contigo para encontrar una forma de colaborar? Gracias.