music writer Miles Raymer rightfully lampoons a new contest from such halcyon musical minds as Saliva, Burn Halo, and Framing Hanley called The Dirty Tourney. (Keep in mind that if you visit that site, you have to allow popups for www.dirtytourney.com, which left me forever ashamed of myself.) In this fight to the death, Saliva and their fellow cro-magnons are on the hunt for the Queen of Unclean:
Submit pics and your profile between 3/25 and 4/2 and tell us why you or your girlfriend is [sic] the dirtiest, craziest, sexiest girl around and the band you think rocks the hardest. If you’ve got what it takes, and you show off what ya got, you could be crowned Queen of the Dirty Tourney.
I’m a little confused by the rules. Do they mean “dirtiest” as in covered in dirt or “dirtiest” as in “raunchiest”? Either way, one imagines that a lot of amateur mud wrestlers are gonna be signing up for this one. Not to get all Marc Summers up in here, but count me out! I can’t decide whether the ephemeral criteria for success or the rampant misogyny offends me more. Probably the former. The winner receives “Rock Star treatment in Sin City” including round-trip tickets to Las Vegas, hotel rooms, and tickets to the SnoCore tour featuring said bands, which promises to be the aural equivalent of hitting myself in the head with a 2×4.
It’s really too bad that men can’t enter this contest. Here’s my entry!
“Lucas Jensen is so dirty that he only trims his beard once a week. He is so crazy that he once tried to build a boat out of wooden palettes and styrofoam when he was 10. He is very sexy because he regularly uses the word ‘snuggle.’ He thinks Toad The Wet Sprocket rocks the hardest because they had that one song on Dulcinea that was kinda rocking.”
(That’s potting soil on my hands. I washed it off immediately.)
One hundred percent pure class [Chicago Reader]