Skeezy Bands Compete In Skeezy Contest

Mar 26th, 2009 // 15 Comments

music writer Miles Raymer rightfully lampoons a new contest from such halcyon musical minds as Saliva, Burn Halo, and Framing Hanley called The Dirty Tourney. (Keep in mind that if you visit that site, you have to allow popups for www.dirtytourney.com, which left me forever ashamed of myself.) In this fight to the death, Saliva and their fellow cro-magnons are on the hunt for the Queen of Unclean:

Submit pics and your profile between 3/25 and 4/2 and tell us why you or your girlfriend is [sic] the dirtiest, craziest, sexiest girl around and the band you think rocks the hardest. If you’ve got what it takes, and you show off what ya got, you could be crowned Queen of the Dirty Tourney.




I’m a little confused by the rules. Do they mean “dirtiest” as in covered in dirt or “dirtiest” as in “raunchiest”? Either way, one imagines that a lot of amateur mud wrestlers are gonna be signing up for this one. Not to get all Marc Summers up in here, but count me out! I can’t decide whether the ephemeral criteria for success or the rampant misogyny offends me more. Probably the former. The winner receives “Rock Star treatment in Sin City” including round-trip tickets to Las Vegas, hotel rooms, and tickets to the SnoCore tour featuring said bands, which promises to be the aural equivalent of hitting myself in the head with a 2×4.

It’s really too bad that men can’t enter this contest. Here’s my entry!



“Lucas Jensen is so dirty that he only trims his beard once a week. He is so crazy that he once tried to build a boat out of wooden palettes and styrofoam when he was 10. He is very sexy because he regularly uses the word ‘snuggle.’ He thinks Toad The Wet Sprocket rocks the hardest because they had that one song on Dulcinea that was kinda rocking.”

(That’s potting soil on my hands. I washed it off immediately.)

One hundred percent pure class [Chicago Reader]

idolator

  1. Anonymous

    Wow, what happened to SnoCore when I wasn’t looking? I remember going to a SnoCore tour back around 2000 or so and the lineup included Mr. Bungle and System Of A Down. How times have changed…

  2. Lucas Jensen

    @beefheartfan: [snocore.com] Read and weep.

  3. Anonymous

    When I first read the headline and saw the picture, I assumed this was a mud-wrestling contest.

    Somehow, this is even worse.

  4. TheRunningboard7

    Glen Phillips and the song “Windmills” changed my life.

    By the way, has anyone heard his nerdcore collaboration or RemoteTreeFriends? WTF is up with that guy?

  5. T'Challa

    It would be remiss not to at least mention Motley Crue’s infamous “Spaghetti Incident.” And for anyone that looks it up, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.

  6. T'Challa

    It would be remiss not to at least mention Motley Crue’s infamous “Spaghetti Incident.” And for anyone that looks it up, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.

  7. T'Challa

    It would be remiss not to at least mention Motley Crue’s infamous “Spaghetti Incident.” And for anyone that looks it up, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.

  8. T'Challa

    It would be remiss not to at least mention Motley Crue’s infamous “Spaghetti Incident.” And for anyone that looks it up, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.

  9. T'Challa

    It would be remiss not to at least mention Motley Crue’s infamous “Spaghetti Incident.” And for anyone that looks it up, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.

  10. T'Challa

    It would be remiss not to at least mention Motley Crue’s infamous “Spaghetti Incident.” And for anyone that looks it up, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.

  11. T'Challa

    It would be remiss not to at least mention Motley Crue’s infamous “Spaghetti Incident.” And for anyone that looks it up, please accept my most heartfelt apologies.

  12. janine

    Jeeze Louise, you’ve got some mitts on ya! Your cell phone must have huge buttons…or voice activated.

  13. Weezy F Baby

    When I clicked through, I was thinking “How is Lucas Jensen going to possibly inject something about himself into this story?” It seemed a bit tougher than usual.

    Then, sure enough I scroll down and BAM! You’ve got a talent.

  14. Lucas Jensen

    @janine: Actually, my hands are really, really small, like Cabbage Patch Kid hands. Seriously. I can’t play guitar or palm a basketball. I think it’s Photo Booth that did it.

    @Weezy F Baby: Yep. I’m a grade-A narcissist. Also, I’m a musician. I know you love that. Nobody else here injects anything about themselves into any story. Nope. Just me. Dick.

    @TheRunningboard7: I liked that song, too. Haven’t heard any new projects.

  15. Anonymous

    @Lucas Jensen: Was the “one song on Dulcinea that was kind of rocking” “Fall Down” by any chance?

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