Five Reasons Why Jam Band Fans Are Better Than Indie Rock Fans

I was skimming through this year’s Bonnaroo lineup as part of my usual round of cyber-stalking Neko Case, and I came upon an interesting discovery—this festival kicks ass! Although one of my friends described the layout as a desert of dust and piss, and the jam-centric lineup means stupid Phish is going to play for approximately 76 hours straight, I can pretty much get behind anything that brings together High On Fire and Janelle Monae (that isn’t made by the Hood Internet). Something this good could never happen on indie rock’s watch! Here are five reasons why the mud-caked hippies who will attend Bonnaroo are better than your sweater-clad ass!

1. Jam band fans don’t care about pesky shit like aesthetics.
Why does Bonnaroo get to have awesome, underrated thrash metal band Shadows Fall, but the Scion Rock Festival doesn’t? Because indie rock kids only care about fringe genres when they are fashionable. Shadows Fall, being a real metal band, bring a lot of zitty teenagers and honest-to-god longhairs to their shows, so indie blogs and mags don’t touch them. God forbid someone break up the steady stream of warmed-over stoner rock and black metal bands (only the ones Hydra Head endorses!) in your RSS, guys.

2. Jam band fans are loyal.
A jam band fan would sooner eat his hacky sack than give up on a band he loves. Who do you think kept the Grateful Dead alive until “Touch Of Grey”? Or between then and Devendra-fueled revisionist hipster appreciation? Ben Harper and Galactic and Moe are all playing this year, and who knows if I’ve heard a single note of any of them in a decade. Ben Harper could have been cryogenically frozen next to Walt Disney for all I know. In indie rock circles, bands are played out once their blog cycle ends. How did the Rapture lose all its fans before they even put out a follow-up to Echoes? Why does it seem like an eon since I’ve heard someone in a sweater vest tell me they’re “really feeling Dipset”? Who was in Goblin Cock again?

3. Jam band fans have better drugs.
OK, drugs are silly if you’re over, like, 19 years old. But I’m guessing the dude on psylocibin mushrooms who’s talking to a giant purple hot dog in the sky is probably going to have a more fulfilling night that the coked-out sweatball at the Late Of The Pier show telling me he knows Steve Aoki. Plus, who are you gonna trust to find you good weed? An Octopus Project fan?

4. Jam band fans support music from other countries.
I only hear indie-rockers tell me about African music if the hivemind is whispering that it’s OK to like Konono No. 1 this week, or Etran Finatawa the next. Meanwhile, when I go to the free African music fest in Prospect Park every summer, it’s overrun by hippies! They know the score. At this year’s Bonnaroo: Toumani Diabate, Amadou & Mariam, Femi Kuti and the Positive Force, Vieux Farka Touré, and the unstoppable King Sunny Adé & the African Beats.

5. Jam band fans waste their days away following bands and doing drugs and making arepas on the engine blocks of old VW vans instead of writing snarky blog posts all day.

  • Anonymous

    i am now and will continue to argue the fact that “indie rock”(is it really indie if its so pop/mainstreem?) is eroding culture similar to the way disco did to legit 60′s and 70′s rock. please just start respecting musical chops, substance and genuine good people, and leave your shallow, hot or not bull shit at the door. you suck and your culture sucks and jambands and improvisational rock will always reign supreme. even lou reed hates hipsters. fuck you. peace and love

  • Anonymous

    oh yeah coke and pharms are not condones in the jamband scene like they are with hipster indie rockers. we like to stay natural, and healthy.

  • samhatesphish

    Are you for real dude! Also, all my Jam band loving hippie friends complain about how the damn indy scene is taking over Bonnaroo, and the Jam scene is dying away. Hence the “independent” metal bands and various other artists that have made the Bonnaroo line up so much more exciting in the last few years.

  • jenny

    you could only come up with 5 reasons?? phish (or any other jamband for that matter) will pwn any indie band onstage anywhere, anytime. the reason that people like jambands is because THEY CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THEIR INSTRUMENTS. instruments aren’t props for these bands. and btw, we will take a break from laughing at your clothes long enough to doublecharge you on some extracirriculars, you little indie custies :^)

  • crampylamp

    Lol i dunno, I had a pretty good time at the Late Of The Pier show I went to

  • nogoknowfan

    jam band fans are better tip-ers. and they get their groove on, rather than just standing there like statues.