Kris Allen Gets Run Over By The Judges’ Bus, America Gets Hit By Danny Gokey’s Yawping

noah | May 6, 2009 10:00 am

Last night’s American Idol was Rock And Roll (All) Night, with the contestants muscling through songs that are older than all of them in the hopes of riding the Guitar Hero train, or at least giving Adam a chance to shine. It was preceded by no dress rehearsal, thanks to a crazy on-set accident in which one of the globes onstage exploded–which itself was preceded by the show’s stage manager falling down a 20-foot staircase and exiting the Idol studio via stretcher. And then there were the on-stage disasters! After the jump, Danny Gokey wails, Kris Allen gets pissed, Allison Iraheta gets sassy, and Adam Lambert starts the show on a lot of high notes. Given the awkward duets-and-solos nature of the show tonight, I figured we’d look at the duets first, and then grade the solo performances… Kris Allen and Danny Gokey. How pissed did Kris look to be on that stage? The harmonizing on their version of Styx’s “Renegade” sounded pretty OK, but the two of them had zero chemistry, and their voices didn’t mesh well together when they were trading off verses; Kris seemed completely out of his element, while Danny did his trademark Sensitive-ish Yarl. And I’m sure you all saw Kris’ eye-roll when Simon did his whole toeing the party line and tossed off a “Danny, you were better than Kris” instead of anything resembling a critique? Poor Kris. But more importantly, poor us, for probably having to sit through another week of Danny despite… well, we’ll get to that in a minute. Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert. Hands up if the first time you ever heard of Foghat was during the Beastie Boys’ “Hey Ladies” video. Me too! Although I’d heard “Slow Ride” before, on the rock station that blankets Long Island and of course on the early levels of Guitar Hero: World Tour. All of this is to say that their duet was fine, and it was definitely the better of the duets, thanks in large part to the two performers actually being OK with sharing the stage. (The hug at the end was so cute.) And now–your Top Four: 4. Danny Gokey. Oh good Lord, please take me away from the Gokester’s screech at the end of “Dream On,” which was coupled with strobe lights in such a way that I wouldn’t be surprised if it induced seizures across America. Perhaps this is why Kara DioGuardi, during the Judging On A Big Curve Because We Need Our Red Vs. Blue State Finale segment, said that “Crazy” and “Cryin'” were “early” Aerosmith? At least Simon threw out the whole “I think you’re safe tonight” thing, which maybe will result in people staying away from the phones. Dare to dream. 3. Kris Allen. The arrangements on tonight’s show were very straightforward, and as such Kris’ “Come Together”–on which he played guitar–didn’t veer from Aerosmith’s take on it all that much, but he did growl through the song pretty ably. I thought his annoyance at the duet segment, which immediately preceded his solo performance, helped fire him up quite a bit, and his irritation seemed to continue through the judges’ inane “we have to prop up Gokey as much as we can during what’s going to be a sucky week for him” non-critiques. 2. Allison Iraheta. Her version of “Cry Baby” was fantastic, and I found it curious that the judges were lukewarm about it. (Again, I think there’s a lot of expectation-managing going on here, and it is really aggravating.) “If they do a biopic on Janis, you’ve got the role,” Paula said, no doubt upsetting Jenna Maroney. Also, I liked when she got a little sassy at the end. You tell ’em that they don’t know which “Somebody To Love” they’re talking about, honey! 1. Adam Lambert. In the package, he said “This is by far my favorite of all the theme weeks, and I want to go out there and kill it.” Well, surprise, he did, matching Robert Plant’s octave leaps on “Whole Lotta Love” while clad in a lot of studs and leather; it was the first time American Idol had used a Led Zeppelin song, and I doubt it’ll be the last. (Randy, in his effusive praising of Adam, said “Nobody’s gonna think about Broadway tonight”–was that a subtle Constantine diss?) WHO I WOULD HAVE VOTED FOR: Allison and Adam, more for the former than the latter. WHO SHOULD GO HOME: EEEAAAAAUUUUGHHHHHH!!! WHO WILL PROBABLY GO HOME: Oh, poor Kris. You looked so pissed and really, who could blame you? Even the hormones of a million crazed 13-year-olds can’t come to your rescue when the judges won’t stop driving the Adam-And-Danny Finale Train over you. REVEALING DIOGUARDISM OF THE NIGHT: You already know. (I wonder if the whole Platinum Weird thing messed up her sense of time? It’s possible.) American Idol [Official site]