In the wake of yesterday’s horrifying incident in London where an apparently lovestruck (??) fan punched the excessively inoffensive Leona Lewis, the British pop-clearinghouse Popjustice has released a manifesto declaring that we need to enter a new era of being nice to pop stars, and resisting the reflexive snark that has taken over so many corners of the Internet. “It should be possible for popstars to sign copies of mediocre books without fear of being hit around the head by a bellend,” writes Popjustice, “and it is the absolute right of anybody to go about their daily job without fear of being punched, unless they are Perez Hilton.” Well all right then! How can you be nice to a pop star today? Popjustice has a couple of ideas.
» Send your favourite popstar some flowers, or a box of chocolates. Do not be tempted to put little bits of pube in with the chocolates like you usually do – remember, this is all about being nice.
» Tweet a popstar and tell them something you like about them. Maybe respond with a cheery ‘LOL’ to their endless pleas to purchase a new single or album.
» Organise an after-school club in which you talk attendees through a lengthy Powerpoint presentation detailing good things about a popstar. Don’t forget your laser pointer!
» If a popstar releases a new song you consider to be below average quality or perhaps not up to the high standards of their previous releases, do not flood the internet with endless messages along the lines of ‘THIS ACT SHOULD BE DROPPED NOW THEY’RE SHIT THEY WERE SHIT ALL ALONG THEY’LL ALWAYS BE SHIT HOW CAN ANYONE THINK THIS IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN SHIT OH GOD MY EARS MY EARS SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS WALL OF SHIT’. Instead, post some constructive criticism, or maybe say nothing at all! As the old saying goes, “if you can’t say something nice, start a gossip blog”.
» If someone sends you a YouTube clip of a popstar falling over, delete the message and don’t forward or retweet it. You’ll do so safe in the knowledge that while you have watched the clip and found it highly entertaining, you have not passed it on to other people – you are therefore morally superior.
» Seen an ex-member of a boyband, for example Blue, out and about? Brighten their day by not shouting “OI WANKER” across the street.
» Go to iTunes and purchase the worst song on a popstar’s album – it’s probably their favourite track.
» There are loads of ways you can be nice to your favourite popstar. Let your imagination run wild!
I decided to take matters in my own hands and head over to Blingee, where I decided to pay tribute to the one pop star who I’ve probably been meaner to than any other since the launch of this site three years ago. Behold, my visual ode to Nicole Scherzinger!
You know what’s weird? A lot of the default Blingee expressions are lyrics from the Pussycat Dolls’ “When I Grow Up”! Coincidence, or have I stumbled on the group’s true inspiration? Anyway, let me know how you’ve been nice to a pop star today!
NICE TO POPSTARS: A WAY FORWARD [Popjustice]