No. 48: The Moldy Peaches, “Who’s Got The Crack?”

The Moldy Peaches were somehow lumped into those “return of New York rock” puff pieces at the turn of the decade, despite the fact that they rocked about as hard as the fluid in Grandma’s goiter. The booger-eating moron brainchild of the two of the most grating people on the planet, the Moldy Peaches were the equivalent of a seventh-grader from gifted class screeching “Cheese monkey!” at bullies until they were too sad and confused to give him the beating he so clearly deserved.

Oh yeah, remember how those kids said “crack” a lot too. Crack’s funny, right? Haha. You know, like on crack. Yeah. Hahaha. Crack. Oh man, “Panama Jack.” British people loved this as much as they loved other awesome things from the decade, like the Darkness and the Iraq War. Some sample lyrics from this gem: “I am a goat / In a moat / With a boat.”

I’m not some old cynic who can’t understand the appeal of childhood nostalgia as a way to channel the old, good, innocent times. But when will people realize this shit just reveals more about how most people are just painfully uncreative adults?

The Moldy Peaches – Who’s Got The Crack? [YouTube]
The Moldy Peaches [Official site]
F2K: Idolator Counts Down The 50 Worst Songs Of The ’00s, One By Ear-Splitting One

  • Poubelle

    I remained blissfully unaware of the Moldy Peaches’ existence until Juno came out. Among that movie’s many offenses, that is one of the most egregious.

  • Lucas Jensen

    I promoted this to college radio, and it did really well, but I always felt dirty about it. Saw them live opening for the Strokes and they were just ridiculously bad.

  • DJP

    Okay seriously, why did I EVER think I couldn’t have a music career? This is just straight-up nonsense.

  • Lucas Jensen

    @DJP: They had major money behind them, man. And to think of all of the artists out there, you know, trying to be actual musicians and doing interesting things at the same time as this poo. It’s shameful. It pays to have the same manager as the Strokes, no?

    This was single of the week in the NME. Also, their album was released on 9/11.

  • BradNelson

    Okay, so I love Kimya Dawson, and I find her music to be less childhood-evoking than a completely parody of said approach by applying it to depression and self-hatred (see “Nothing Came Out,” the whole of Hidden Vagenda).

    This song is decidedly not that, but I do find it hilarious, in its ramshackle construction, in how much goddamn joy the shove into the titular question, in the laughter during the “boat/moat/goat” construction, when the song has clearly worn out its posture.

  • BradNelson

    Also I find all of these “actual musician” distinctions offensive. None of your favorite bands can play worth a damn either, and that’s okay.

  • NedRaggett

    @BradNelson: Hahah you have no idea how DJP is going to react to that last comment, do you.

  • BradNelson

    @NedRaggett: Nope! And that’s okay.

    Meanwhile, I have totally misremembered this song. There’s no outright laughter anywhere, but they seem on the verge of it throughout.

  • brasstax

    I’d be perfectly happy if Adam Green and Kimya Dawson were issued a worldwide ban on music-making for 100 years. Surely they won’t outlive it, but if they do, I won’t be around anymore.

  • Fried Bologna

    Wow, you’re right, it’s like they weren’t even trying to write a good song, or play it well!

  • ObtuseIntolerant

    This feature is unbelievably cathartic for me. Snark, when well-placed and intelligently written, is such a beautiful thing, and since snark itself has been worn so thin, I had forgotten. (I promise I’ll say that even when/if you inevitably tread on a nerve.) I also promise not to fawn all over every single post in the series, I just want to give you your due, Weingarten.

  • Christopher R. Weingarten

    @ObtuseIntolerant: I’m touched to the bottom of my cold, black heart. Thank you.

  • kevink.

    goddamn you killed this

  • baconfat

    Did the Brits really love the Iraq War that much? Or was it just Blair?

    This pick really makes me worried that something like Joanna Newsom’s “Peach Plum Pear” is going to end up on this list. Which I would have to strongly disagree with. Honestly, I feel like the appropriate analog to the Moldy Peaches’ track would be something like Toby Keith’s “Courtesy Of The Red White And Blue (The Angry American)”.

  • brasstax

    @baconfat: If I were to make a list of this nature, Joanna Newsom would be all over it.

  • cryptosicko

    Who’s Got The Crack? > My Humps

  • brasstax

    @cryptosicko: My Humps at least has some comedic value, which has been exploited for the betterment of society. Who’s Got the Crack? offers nothing. NOTHING!

  • MhS

    I dunno, I like this

  • Christopher R. Weingarten

    Maura and I think it’s pretty funny that we established a litmus test that essentially requires the scientist to ask “Well, it worse than ‘My Humps’?”

  • Nicolars

    Just thinking of all of the awful television commercial jingles these clowns have inspired is enough to make me want to have them erased from our collective memory.

  • iantenna

    the real crime here is the true genius of this stupid ass “anti-folk” scene hasn’t gotten nearly any of the recognition he deserves.

  • Christopher R. Weingarten

    @iantenna: His new album is even better!

  • MhS

    @Christopher R. Weingarten: better than what?

  • BradNelson

    @iantenna: Jeffrey Lewis is indeed the man.

  • cryptosicko

    @brasstax: “Who’s Got The Crack?” earns its > almost exclusively on the grounds that, unlike “My Humps”, I’ve only heard it once and am unlikely ever to have to hear it again.

  • Lucas Jensen

    @BradNelson: I am most definitely not talking about musicianship in the chops department. I am talking about the act of being an actual musician as in an artist as in somebody who thinks more than a millisecond about what they do and what their art is about and what it is for rather than laying down poopy doody drug jokes on their four track just like hundreds of 12 year olds out there who just learned C and G on a guitar. That’s what I mean by actual musicianship.

  • BradNelson

    @Lucas Jensen: Yeah, about a second after I replied I thought, “Man, Lucas probably means that other thing,” so I’m sorry man, that is a totally righteous position to take. I just think that there are manifold other songs in this decade that deserve true, bottomless hate than, well, a “poopy doody drug joke” that I happen to think is quite ridiculous and fun. That says a lot about me, probably.

  • Lucas Jensen

    @BradNelson: It’s okay. I said “bro” the other day seriously. It just slipped out there.

  • Thierry

    But we still have the Moldy Peaches to thank for the great Spin Doctors revival of 2002, right? Ahem.

  • elvissinatra

    Have you heard the Libertines’ cover of this? I heard that before I ever heard the original.

  • brasstax

    @Thierry: I’d listen to the Spin Doctors’ third or fourth albums (there was a fourth one, right?) a hundred times each before I’d listen to one Moldy Peaches song voluntarily.

  • Thierry

    @brasstax: Would that be the one with the hidden cover of “That’s The Way I Like It” feat. Biz Markie? ‘Cause I think I might by the Moldy Peaches over 100 times that one.

  • MhS

    I hope there’s going to be a least one Nickelback song on this list.
    Because imho “Who’s got the crack?” > the entire recorded output of Nickelback.

  • HUGE_Hefner

    The Moldy Peaches were the greatest band in the world.
    Don’t be jelous because you wasted your time learning to play instruments.

  • baddbob

    I’m not willing to go all the way to the mat for this band, but it seems like either a) you’re being too hard on them, b) you have a personal beef with one or both of the members, or c) both. Guess what: some people (me) think the singer of the Strokes is a little “grating,” especially in a live setting. I saw both bands in the same year at the same venue and the Moldy Peaches were more entertaining and endearing than the rock-by-numbers Strokes. Also, the Strokes are no muso-technicians, either. The drummer knows one beat, and that’s it.

    Like I said, not fully advocating the Moldy Peaches, but to put the Strokes up as some sort of rock n roll gold-standard is laughable.

  • Christopher R. Weingarten

    The Strokes are terrible too! What are you talking about?

  • MhS

    Well then I hope to see The Strokes on the list too

  • oh dude no

    Of course you won’t see The Strokes on this list either. I think they may too many connections for that, and they’re not that good either. These guys seem to have some nostalgic hold-over from the grunge days. They were on the Juno soundtrack?

  • Great Collection of great sources

    I do consider all of the concepts you’ve offered in your post. They’re very convincing and can certainly work. Nonetheless, the posts are very short for newbies. May just you please extend them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post.