No. 33: Heidi Montag, “Higher”

Nov 4th, 2009 // 14 Comments

The Hills have whys.

I’ll assume that that you, as a loyal Idolator fan, are not a mouth-breathing dipshit who secretly wishes People used fewer words with two syllables. I’ll assume you’re not a dead-eyed blank slate who would refresh TMZ 200 times a day, if only the warm, relentless waterfall of drool that would result could manage to stay in your agape mouth and not drip onto your laptop’s trackpad in cheerless slime puddles, rendering it useless. No, that’s not you. That’s not you at all.

So, I guess I’ll have to explain who Heidi Montag is.

Heidi Montag is the “star” of MTV’s “reality” “entertainment” program The Hills, which peels back the curtain on the dull relationship drama and inconsequential feuds of awful Los Angeles famesuckers. (I’m not 16 years old, so I’ve only seen some ads for it that showed some tanned ladies and blonde bohunks struggling to read things off cue cards and being hella sad at their zero-th world problems.) Montag was also on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here, which leads me to conclude that she is not only a celebrity, but a person who will eat bugs for money.

In 2007 she reportedly signed a one-song contract with Warner Music Group. But fuck the man! Heidi is punk rock! D.I.Y.! She couldn’t wait for the machine to give her image the molding and shaping it desperately needed—so she self-released her first single and video.

“Higher” starts with a bunch of lightning-bolt zaps, presumably to tell the audience that this Frankenstein monster of bad ideas from the early ‘90s is alive. She sings “I’m only going higher, higher/I’m gonna take it higher, higher,” which would be like some Blue Angels shit if a) it wasn’t on some ninth-tier Timbaland ripoff beat with goofy autotune b) this song had any chance of propelling her music career beyond “’Numa Numa’-style Internet meme.” The bridge, where she just starts yelling “Higher! Higher! Higher!” is the kicker—as the notes get increasingly high, she gets increasingly out of tune. Spread your wings and fly, people! Why are you all so afraid to spread your wings and fly?

And of course there’s the hilarious video, in which she rolls around in the sand, showing off her ribs and hip bones. It was filmed by her equally useless husband Spencer Pratt with a camcorder, boom box, two takes, and what he admits was “20 minutes.” The Internet had the completely understandable reaction of “GUUUUUUHHHHHHHH.”

Heidi told Us about her reaction to the vicious but totally reasonable things people wrote about “Higher” on the ol’ Interweb: “I just started sobbing uncontrollably… I cried myself to sleep that first night after my video came out. I just couldn’t understand why people I didn’t even know felt the need to be so cruel and hurtful toward me. I am just a 21-year-old from a small town in Colorado trying to follow her dreams.”

It’s probably because your dreams amount to not much more than “be famous at any cost,” and your video proved you don’t have a molecule of talent to back any of it up. But to be fair, Colorado is a nice place!

Heidi Montag – “Higher” [YouTube]
Heidi Montag [Twitter]
F2K: Idolator Counts Down The 50 Worst Songs Of The ’00s, One By Ear-Splitting One


  1. Holy jesus that’s bad. I don’t watch MTV ever, but is that what passes for music videos these days?

  2. I had my fingers crossed for a Creed cover. Little did I know, so many would have preferred it.

  3. i watched The Hills once. it’s like a black hole of purpose. anti-purpose! anyway, those 20 minutes i wasted thinking i may be able to figure out why people watch (like?!) this show made me want to sob uncontrollably, so i can relate, heidi. the world is a cruel place.

  4. How did she make the list already?

    I thought you would have to count down past zero for this dreck.

  5. @urbanator: Agreed, I pegged this as “Top 10 Shittiest of Decade” when it came out (like CW says, the out-of-tune bridge has to be heard to be believed) and am surprised we’re talking about it already.

  6. “Overdosin” is amazing though, and I will not hear otherwise.

  7. When I heard about this whole mess, I thought it might actually be alright, at least from a production viewpoint. (Sort of like how Paris Hilton’s singles were “alright.” Not good music, but at least it sounded professional.)

    But this just sounds like someone recorded a song using the microphone on their MacBook and jimmied up some beats using GarageBand. Actually, ALL her stuff sounds like that.

    What’s even more train wreck-y? This cover, for her other single “No More.”

    That is the straight-up, real cover that was featured on iTunes. I shit you not.

  8. “Fashion” by Heidi Montag might be worse? I don’t know hahaha…

  9. Higher > My Humps

    (a controversial opinion here perhaps, given the comments, for which the only defence I can offer is that were I to hear this song in some mall clothing store or something (or rather, not “or something”; where else would I hear this?), I’d find it easier to ignore than “My Humps”)

  10. C’mon, folx, the song itself is begging you to place it “higher.”

    But despite the level of suck we can all agree it attains, your opening graf here is fuck-off-and-die material. Plenty of people watch The Hills as a sleazy escapist lark (maybe this isn’t as clear to you because you don’t get the wonderfully mock-cheesy, MTV-Canada-made Aftershow, starring Eugene Levy’s charming son Dan, where you live?) and this doesn’t make us – cough, them – “mouth-breathing dipshits” and “dead-eyed blank slates”. I thought Idolator, which usually celebrates pop pleasures, was above that kind of adolescent snot. (The show has gotten more and more boring the past couple seasons though.)

  11. Now I have to have a High(er) on Fire-a-thon to wash this away.

  12. @cryptosicko: I agree “higher” is way easier to ignore than “my humps”… but that’s due to “my humps” having been aired to the point of making us all sick, whereas “higher” (thank the lords above) did not make it that far… but it still reaches levels of sucking beyond Black Eyed Peas wildest dreams – and Fergie and Will.I.Am are pretty imaginative folks when it comes to making shitty music, I’ll tell u that…

    Now: if this is no.33, I dread to think what’s coming next…

  13. @zoilus:

    I am on board with this comment.

  14. If you’re smart/self-aware enough to defend watching the Hills with the phrase “sleazy escapist lark,” I think you should be able to handle a little ribbing.

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