There are a lot of things we really love about Bionic, Christina Aguilera’s libidinous electro-pop project that drops in stores today—the vibrant CD booklet artwork is exquisitely photographed, the album’s ballads are some of the most beautiful songs Christina has ever recorded, and a few of the dance tracks are sure to be club hits.
However, we have very, very little love for many of the album’s lyrics, which fall somewhere between tacky, tasteless and just plain lazy. Below, we pick Bionic‘s Top 10 Worst Lyrics—and believe us, it was hard to narrow it down to just ten terrible lines.
THE TOP 10 WORST LYRICS IN BIONIC
10. “The old me’s gone, I feel brand new / And if you don’t like it, fuck you.” – “Not Myself Tonight”
It’s not very clever just to shout out vulgarities at people who don’t appreciate you. We have a feeling bluntly telling people to eff-off isn’t winning any of your haters over. (Also, the only person to remain charming while saying “fuck you” in a song was Lily Allen.)
9. “Strawberry cream is like a dream, my fantasy is reality / When the morning comes, I know that I will, too.” – “Sex for Breakfast”
These lyrics in this song, which comes off like a Mariah Carey/Robin Thicke throwaway B-side, just make us roll our eyes—and what does strawberry cream have to do with anything? Because you’re talking about breakfast? Does anyone eat strawberry cream by itself? Why not just throw in a Cap’n Crunch rhyme? Or Leggo my Eggo? Also, that orgasm wink is as subtle as Bionic gets.
8. “Hit up prince charming, tell him give me a call / Never mind, screw him / Cause I found somebody better / Never mind, screw him / I make myself so much wetter.” – “Vanity”
Another crude rhyme included just to shock people. We feel like we’re listening to the musical version of a Hustler magazine.
7. “Boys suck, make me sick / Inflated egos, little dicks / Use them up, spit ‘em out / I hate boys!” – “I Hate Boys”
Gotta wonder how her husband Jordan and son Max feel about this particular male-bashing song.
6. “You talkin’ out your ass like a wobblehead, you bobblehead.” – “Bobblehead”
The hook of this track from the deluxe version of Bionic is on a whole new level of irritating—it’s as though Christina sampled Charlie Brown’s teacher with his repetition of “wah-wah-wah”. But there is no such thing as a “wobblehead”, and when you resort to making up words Dr. Seuss-style, it’s a pretty clear indication you’re being a lazy lyricist.
5. “All the boys think it’s cake when they taste my (woohoo)/ You don’t even need a plate, just your face, ha (woohoo)/ Licky, licky, yum yum (woohoo)” – “Woo Hoo”
Christina is definitely not the first artist to pen a song about the joys of oral sex. But in an album already overflowing with horniness, not one track tackles sexuality in a fresh or clever way, instead resorting to lewd, uninspired lyrics.
4. “Thank you Mom and Daddy, cause I turn myself on.” – “Vanity”
Thanking your parents for making you hot is just plain icky.
3. “And now I take myself to be my lawfully wedded bitch.” – “Vanity”
Ah, “Vanity”, the song that keeps giving! Xtina marries herself in this stuffy, overproduced track—yes, really. We have a feeling that wedding would turn out about as classy as Christina’s infamous VMA performance with Britney and Madonna. (Except Christina would get more face-sucking time, and a lot more attention.)
2. “They’re only good for fruit, I mean bananas / Them boys so nuts, they’re drivin’ me bananas.” – “I Hate Boys”
What’s worse than making up a word to rhyme it with another word you can’t rhyme? Forgoing any sort of creativity whatsoever and just using the same word twice.
1. “A rubber band was an analogy / You could even say it’s a metaphor.” – “Elastic Love”
We’ve previously stated that “Elastic Love” is the best song on Bionic, so you know the lyric in question had to be absolutely terrible to wind up #1 on our list. Yes, Christina, we understood that your love was not, in fact, a rubber band, or any of the other office supplies mentioned in this song. You don’t need to literally spell it out for us. This lyric is the definition of space filler.
Are you enjoying Bionic despite these mind-numbingly awful lyrics? Did we miss any? Do you Xtina stans hate us for saying anything negative about your diva’s latest musical offering? Should we do a Top 10 of Lady Gaga’s worst lyrics to level the playing field? Leave your thoughts in the comments!