‘American Idol’: Hooray For Hollywood?

Becky Bain | February 4, 2011 7:12 am

“You’re going to… Siberia!” exclaimed Steven Tyler to one of the only honestly bad contestants we’ve been privy to all season long. “It was a sweet, angelic voice that sounded like a little lamby.” It wasn’t the kind of brilliant Cowell-esque zinger that we’ve been missing thus far, but it was the most critical comment we’ve heard from the judges’ panel all season long. And that was just the beginning. Last night’s Hollywood auditions rolled out the crazy and the clueless. For those who enjoy Idol specifically to laugh at the freaks, last night was your night.

Okay, not everyone was terrible — brothers Mark and Aaron sailed through with a duet of “Lean On Me”, while bellydancer Heidi Kzham looks like Nicole Scherzinger and sang almost as well. And Karen Rodriquez,  one of the 16,000 who sent in their primary audition online, killed it with a soulful rendition of “You Give Good Love”:

Also going to Hollywood was Tim Halperin, with a completely decent (and absolutely boring) voice, who admiteed to having a crush on J-Lo while he was growing up. “Growing up!” she exclaims, forgetting that she is 41 and such a thing is possible. (She refuses to reveal her age when Tim asks, but Wikipedia will!)

But the majority of last night’s episode focused on the bad. And we don’t mean the “It’s a no, dawg”, variety, but the insane, the tone deaf, and the egomaniacs who lack style as much as they lack self-awareness.

Best buddies Daniel and Isaac both auditioned, and Isaac informed us that he dropped out of college to audition for American Idol. Dude, at least wait til you get in the Top 12 or something before you drop out of school! Surprisingly, they are terrible, which is only shocking because we thought Idol was being all sentimental and supportive and positive this season. Psych!! We’re as mean-spirited as ever!

Another obviously-picked-by-producers-to-give-the-show-humor, Matt Frankel, was a large and not so in charge freelance music producer. “Who do you producer?” asks Randy. “I produce for millions… dozens of artists.” Which allegedly includes Chaka Khan? (Better join Essence‘s Facebook campaign, Matt!) He “sings” J-Lo’s “Jenny From The Block”, and Jennifer’s lips could not be more pursed:

american-idol-lopez
Tynisha Roches is the perfect clueless contestant that Simon would have adored judging. She brings a non-working mic in, calls artists “artisists”, and sings a tribute to Frank Sinatra. She also apologizes four seconds into her audition, nervous “because it’s J-Lo!” She does it her way, alright, right out the door. But not after singing several songs, all as terribly as the last.

But it’s Cooper Robinson from Arkansas, who came to “take your city from you!”, who depresses us the most about this season. Dressed up as a James Brown/city bum hybrid, he scares Jennifer and Ryan and totally bores us. Does anyone, anywhere, actually think this General Larry Platt wannabe is funny? The genius of “Pants On The Ground” was how bizarre and just plain random it was. Allowing this jokey 59(?)-year old auditioner on the show is the producers obvious, and desperate, attempt at finding Pants On The Ground 2: Even Pantsier.

What did you think of last night’s crop of contestants? Anyone worth Auto-Tuning and remixing? And anyone else miss the post-bad-audition of “[BLEEP] you, Simon! You’re a [bleep]ing [bleep]!” We do. Sigh.

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