For the video for her fourth Femme Fatale single, Britney Spears delivered an epic mini-movie, full of romance, intrigue, and a whole lot of makeout sessions with her real-life boyfriend, Jason Trawick. Seriously, there are so many things to discuss in the “Criminal” video, let’s just go through all of them in chronological order, yes? Yes.
Directed by Chris Marrs Piliero, the video trails Britney as she bolts from the confinement of her prim-and-proper aristocratic lifestyle and discovers she’s happier living life on the lam. (And maybe we’re projecting, just a little). Shot in London before the kickoff of Britney’s European tour, “Criminal” finds our heroine armed, dangerous and… thrilled.
Britney Spears – “Criminal”
A play-by-play, lest you miss the best parts:
:10 – Britney turns around, and it’s like she’s straight out out of a Hitchcock movie. Icy blonde perfection.
:22 – “Why don’t we see that pretty little face of yours, yeah?” Britney’s date is one smeared makeup job away from being The Joker. Watch out, Brit, he’s likely about to give you a Chelsea grin!
:26 – We’re assuming everyone else at this fancy British high society brouhaha is as big a jerk at Brit’s date, because otherwise they’d surely be giving him “a look” right about now.
:35 – Britney, crying in the bathroom. Almost distracts us from the fact that she’s wearing a watch that totally DOES NOT go with her outfit.
:43 – First product placement! (Well, second, after the watch.) And it’s for Britney’s perfume, “Radiance”. You knew it was coming at some point.
1:06 – “Who do you think you are?!” Who else yelled at their computer screen “It’s Britney, BITCH!”? Just us?
1:07 – OMG?!? He HIT Britney?! GET HIM, JASON! Also, Actor Playing British Douchebag, prepare to be sent hate mail by Britney stans for the remainder of your acting career.
1:14 – Props to the foley guy and sound department. Those punches sound like they hurt!
1:20 – We now realize we have never heard Jason Trawick speak before. His voice is lower than we expected.
1:25 – Britney kicking you in the crotch would likely be a turn-on for some guys, we bet.
1:30 – Brit on a motorbike in a foreign country = OBVIOUS “TOXIC” REFERENCE, right??
1:46 – Slow news day for the UK’s The Daily Recorder.
2:13 – Brit lunges in for a kiss! This is actually pretty sweet. And she is really going for it.
2:19 – 2:36 – This is getting aaaaaaawkwaaaaaaaard… we know we happily peeked into Britney’s private life by religiously watching Britney & Kevin: Chaotic week after week, but Brit miming (?) sex with her real-life boyfriend makes us way uncomfortable. Also, PLEASE tell us Jason does not actually have that atrocious back tattoo.
2:43 – Does the tat on Jason’s chest SERIOUSLY say “RIP Goose”?! Ah, Goose, we hardly knew ye.
2:54 – Britney is so desperate for orange juice, she’s willing to steal it! Because criminals are always robbing convenience stores for juiced beverages! (EDIT: Our bad, we rewatched, and that’s not orange juice, it’s a vanilla candle! Guys, she really, really loves vanilla candles.)
3:12 – We think Britney must have let out a lot of aggression screaming at the clerk with a gun in his face.
3:46 – Nothing like celebrating another robbery by taking a sexy shower next to a brick wall. Oh, and we’re starting to feel awkward again with Jason turning into a human bra.
4:25 – Brit’s on-the-nose homage to Green Day’s “21 Guns” video, right?
4:34 – Dumbest “Vogue” movement of the whole video right here, folks.
4:50 – Soooo are the bullets miraculously not hitting them? Do you know what that is? That’s divine intervention. It means God came down from heaven, and stopped those MFing bullets.
5:20 – And they survived!! Isn’t it great that two people who robbed numerous people at gunpoint are allowed to continue their romantic and violent entanglements?
All in all, this was a pretty entertaining video, with a whole lot of unnecessary PDA between Brit and her beau. It was full of passion, joy and just a little touch of madness — just like its star. (It’s fitting that Piliero, the director, summed it all up in one word earlier this month: “Britney”). But what did you think? Let us know on Facebook, Twitter or in the comments.