But, honestly, you’re not tuning in to see these four, right? Right? Let’s get to The contestants.
Adriana Louise , 22, Brooklyn, NY
Adriana starts by telling a terrifying story of how she was kidnapped when she was 9, to which Carson Daly notes that must have been “brutal.” Very astute, that Carson. Adriana manages to kick off the night with a four-chair spin thanks to her performance of Jessie J’s “Domino.” We can only assume that Cee Lo’s unconventional coaxing (“We look like we just got married”) helped Adriana decide on Christina for her coach.
Casey Muessigmann, 22, Iowa
Casey Muessigman — and, yes, that’s pronounced “Music Man” — has two passions: music and wrestling. He even wrestles backstage before his performance and, in the awkward Sprint product placement of the night, shows Carson some photos from his college wrestling days on a tablet. But what, oh what, does a wrestler-turned-music-man from Iowa perform on The Voice? Yup: He puts on his cowboy hat and belts out Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama.” Even though everything about this guy is pretty cheesy — including his enthusiastic butt-slapping during (and after) his performance, the coaches hit their buttons. Blake, who is physically incapable of staying still when someone sings country, goes first, followed by Cee Lo. The Music Man selects Blake, and slaps his butt the whole way off stage. His new mentor will have to work on that.
Aquile, 24, San Diego, CA
Aquile (no last name necessary) learned guitar when his mouth was wired shut after breaking his jaw. (A Kanye West circa the “Through The Wire” triumph, we agree). He belts out a silky rendition of “Your Song” by Elton John, causing Adam and Christina to turn around immediately. Cee Lo hits his button at the last moment. Christina wins the contestant — and creeps everyone out — when she tells Aquile she “kinda wants a private concert.” The Voice casting couch: alive and well.
Mackenzie Bourg, 19, Lafayette, LA
Mackenzie Bourg’s parents introduce him with a story of how he almost died of viral meningitis last year. His dad get choked up when he talks about seeing his son in a coma, to which Carson asks — we wish we were making this up — “What was that like?” It was swell, Carson. (Come on!) Now nearly recovered — Mackenzie sings Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” and plays guitar, to boot. We think this kid is a total winner, although only Cee Lo turns around. All of the coaches do agree that he looks like a cross between Justin Bieber and Harry Potter — so hopefully Cee Lo can somehow find a way to work with the niche audience of EVERY TEEN GIRL EVERYWHERE.
Julio Cesar Castillo, 21, Chicago, IL
The last performance of the night is an historic one, as Julio Cesar Castillo becomes the first contestant to ever do a song completely in Spanish on The Voice. Yet no love from Ms. Aguilera? Regardless, his performance of “La Bamba” has Blake and Cee Lo feeling the magic. Julio has been performing mariachi since he was a kid and wants to break out, so he trades his sombrero for a cowboy hat with new coach Blake Shelton.
Sadly, not everyone makes it, as the obligatory loser montage reminds us. The episode did feature a full performance by one “also-ran” — Ryan Fogarty, a tour manager for LeAnn Rimes. Apparently, she was the only country singer who saw his potential, so it’s back to the tour bus for him…packing LeAnn’s tour bus, that is. You know who else didn’t make it? Cee Lo’s pink parrot from last night. Nowhere to be seen. Concern all around.
Don’t forget, there’s one more episode of The Voice tomorrow night — unless, of course, you’ll be tuning in to see Britney on The X Factor? (Thank god for DVR.)