Welcome to today’s edition of What Horrible Things Is Chris Brown Doing Now?, a new daily feature that’s basically an inevitability given how frequently Chris Brown does horrible things. In the wake of yesterday’s (January 28) news that Chris Brown had gotten into a brawl with Frank Ocean in the parking lot of a Los Angeles recording studio, there are several new wrinkles emerging in the tale. Let’s explore!
Item! TMZ is now reporting that the brawl began because Brown tried to shake Ocean’s hand; Ocean ignored the gesture, and, irate, Brown cold-clocked him, which is totally the way to respond to a lack of social grace. “No handshake? Throw punches,” advise most etiquette experts.
Item! But wait! TMZ also says that Brown denies punching Ocean at all (because when has he ever punched anyone or anything, ever?) and reportedly, there’s surveillance footage which shows that neither Ocean nor Brown threw any punches, demonstrating that all the violence occurred between members of their respective crews. The problem, though, is that the video only displays the end of the fight, so that doesn’t actually help Brown’s case at all. Great work, everyone.
Item! Given the nature of the attack, Ocean may be pressing charges against Brown, which could have serious consequences for Brown’s probation. Reuters quotes Los Angeles County Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore as saying that Ocean “is desirous of prosecution in this incident,” so, yikes. How awful would it be if Chris Brown had to go to prison for, like, a really long time? Wouldn’t that be the worst thing in the entire world? We would all be so sad about that, right?
Item! While Brown has yet to make a formal statement about the matter, MTV News notes that he took to Instagram yesterday to post a picture of Jesus Christ on the cross. “Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!” he wrote. In response, Jesus paused channel ORANGE and asked his publicist, “Who is Chris Brown?”