‘American Idol’: Matheus Fernandes and Micah Johnson Are Big Voices In Long Beach
The latest round of auditions are a double whammy in San Antonio and Long Beach. We start with a montage of stereotypically Texan activities. Cowboys, the Alamo, the obligatory “Everything’s bigger in Texas.”
Vincent Powell is the first contestant of the day and he’s been here before. His strategy is to dress like Randy Jackson. He gushes about Mariah Carey and is excited to meet her. Get in line. Vincent sings “Rock Me Baby” and I notice he has leather patches on his sleeves. I like that he’s making sure to protect his elbows from undue wear. Mimi likes him and he sings in what sounds to me like a very complicated style and everyone loves him.
Randy and he share a moment with neither acknowledging that Vincent looks exactly like Randy. Instead they go on and on about how Randy was drinking a Coke during Vincent’s performance when he was on Idol before. It’s super fascinating. Mariah and Randy are sitting next to each other, which bodes well for some catty whispering. Nicki Minaj looks like a photo negative of a scary Japanese curse. And all this is only the beginning of the episode!
Vincent gets a golden ticket. Cut to the first tease of Mariah’s craaaaaazy cleavage. The promo for the latter part of the show has me excited for Mariah’s outfit during the Long Beach auditions. It looks like she’s recycled a mermaid costume from a couple of Halloweens ago.
There’s a silly photo shoot with Keith Urban and Randy. Who needs the ladies to have fun?
Next up are David and Derek, two brothers who are so over-the-top dorky that I swear they’re just actors trying to get some time on national TV. They sing a truly terrible duet. Randy, Mariah and Keith immediately vote no. Mariah tries to give some pointers about singing but just starts laughing.
“I want to be nice to you guys. I want to embrace you,” she says before disappearing behind her gorgeous hair curtains. Her black shrug looks like it was made from a gothic fraggle.
I think David has a cold sore on his lip. Probably noticing this too, Nicki tells him, “Your part of the audition is done.” She gets points for trying to move things along. Also, it’s nice to see Mariah and Nicki on the same team.
Then, Octomom Nadya Suleman walks in. Oh wait, it’s a girl named Savannah who is dressed like a hooker with a heart of gold in a short black tube top, exposed midriff, super-tight jeans and spiked heels. I feel for sure she’s going to tell the judges that she has a strict rule of “No kissing. It’s too personal.” But Savannah gets a long back story, so the judges must see something they like. She has a 5-year-old daughter and she cries during her woeful tale to which I, sadly, wasn’t really paying attention.
Savannah then busts out with a rendition of “At Last” by Etta James and now I realize that she exposed her stomach so the judges could see her properly using her diaphragm while singing. Well-played, pretty woman. She gets a yes from everyone.
Ricky Jo Garcia butchers “I Am Telling You” and Mariah is super giggly. I like to imagine it’s caused by tiny wood sprites gently tickling her feet.
Cristabel Clack has kids and a long story, which we know from intuition means she’s going to Hollywood. But let’s watch anyway. She sings an Alicia Keys song and Keith Urban makes an adorable face. Mariah is miming her, so we know how she’s voting. Keith is radiating hearts from his eyes.
“I know you. I get you. I love you,” Mimi gushes, knowing full well she will have forgotten this person after her next nap.
Ann Difani gets surprised by her husband with a nomination to go on American Idol. She looks like a beauty queen and sings “Stronger” by Faith Hill. I notice she has false eyelashes on her bottom eyelids. Is that a thing? Mariah gives a mysterious smile and I can’t tell what she’s thinking.
“Pretty tone,” Keith tells her. He says he heard a lot of “Faith in there,” and there is confusion about whether or not he meant the singer, and we are reminded that we are in the Bible Belt. Nicki compliments Ann on her relationship, so I have no idea how she is going to vote. This woman’s marriage is what is going to get her to Hollywood. Her hubby comes out and hugs her to seal the deal. They each look about 12 years old.
It’s a yes and I can’t wait until the brutality of the Hollywood week when dreams really start to get shattered.
Nicki is wearing purple and pink plaid captain’s hat and Karl Lagerfeld‘s tiny leather finger gloves.
The San Antonio Riverwalk features a lively Mariachi band led by Victoria Acosta. She sings beautifully in Spanish. For her audition, she selects “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie and I’m immediately disappointed she didn’t select something by Selena. (And I don’t mean Gomez, for you youngsters.) The song doesn’t translate well. The judges urge her to sing a Mariachi song and it’s a million times better. She gets all yeses.
Our customary montage of bad auditions features a guy in glasses and a mohawk shrieking his way through a song I don’t recognize. Ongela screeches and sounds like she’s either being murdered or having an orgasm. Either way, someone’s having a good time.
Papa Peachez works with homeless people. He looks like “Leave Britney Alone” and claims to be a big black woman trapped in a young white man’s body. I’m intrigued.
Peachez tells the judges, “I am fabulous,” and mouths, “I love you,” to Nicki. She eats it up. Peachez is going to sing an original. He sings a crazy spiritual and gets bleeped with a peach over his mouth. He is so different, I want to see more.
“I think you are a superstar,” Nicki tells him.
Mariah looks regal after Papa says what a big fan of Nicki’s he is — this after somewhat dismissing Mimi’s critique. Nicki says yes. Keith says no. Randy says no and … Mimi says yes, surprising us all! Just when you think you’ve got her figured out, that Mariah will surprise you.
I notice Mariah and Nicki are both wearing purple, which is appropriate since I’m guessing The Color Purple is probably Peachez’s favorite movie. In fact, he was nominated for an Oscar for starring in it.
Nicki’s cleavage is out, y’all. It kind of sneaked up on me.
In walks 16-year-old Sanni looking like a total Disney channel star. His parents are from Africa and he speaks Swahili to the judges. He sings “Who’s Loving You” by Michael Jackson and does it well. Sanni opens his mouth, and from his moves and singing, I feel he could give Justin Bieber a run for his money.
Nicki wisely refrains from asking, “Do you have a girlfriend?” while Mariah plans her divorce from Nick Cannon, who has turned into George Burns in her mind at the sight of this young whippersnapper. Sanni’s going to Hollywood.
Adam Sanders is planning to sing Etta James. Mariah reminds him that she’s not as old as Etta. He’s kind of an Adam Lambert type and he reaches crazy levels of high notes and screaming. I genuinely have no idea how the judges feel until they stand up and give him a yes.
I start to notice that Randy seems to be stealing random accessories from Nicki’s closet.
Now, American Idol arrives at Long Beach on the Queen Mary where we will get to meet Mariah Carey’s breasts. They have literally jumped ship.
Randy is wearing Elton John‘s glasses. The ladies are nowhere to be found. Keith is wearing a blazer. Nicki can’t make it because she’s at the American Music Awards and Mariah is running late in traffic. I love that she can’t even be bothered to Skype it in.
A teenage girl, Shubha, walks in and is as confused as the rest of us to see Randy and Keith sitting at the table with two empty chairs next to them. She asks, “Where’s everyone else?” She learns she has to sing in front of the guys, which she should realize is a total slam dunk. I’m disappointed she didn’t think to tell Keith she was his biggest fan. Randy, meanwhile, cannot wrap his head around her name. That is what he brings to the table.
Shubha sings “Something’s Gotta Hold On Me” and does sound like Christina Aguilera. She gets a yes from the two men.
Mariah and her breasts have arrived. Her outfit truly is a disaster. She looks like a turquoise Fabergé egg and I’m pretty sure we are either seeing her bra or Spanx.
Skinny Brian Martinez arrives for his audition and he looks like he is ready to throw up or pass out (or both). He says a producer recommended he audition after hearing him sing in the bathroom. The blood has completely drained from his face. Hopfully there are paramedics at the ready. This poor kid looks like he’s going to die.
Brian starts to sing Phil Collins‘ “You’ll Be In My Heart” and we realize whoever told him to audition is a total ass. During his critique, Brian looks so scared that I imagine a German terrorist from the ’80s is holding his wife hostage just offstage with a gun to her head. He’s clearly a no.
Matt Farmer has a cute daughter, is a soldier and was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury from his time at war. He’s going to Hollywood. He schleps his adorable child in front of the judges and he and Keith bond over tattoos. Keith’s is conspicuously covered up by his super demure blazer. Matt starts to sing and for a moment, you can see Mariah thinking about the troops, wishing them a speedy return home. Matt gets all yeses.
Stephanie has purple hair and adorably thinks that makes her “different.” She sings in a band and then starts growling some kind of scream-punk version of Adele‘s “Set Fire To The Rain.” She is quickly shooed out of the room amidst middle fingers and confusion.
Mariah has the best post traumatic reaction when she says, “OK, I need to get my pastor on the phone.” I’m sure she means Papa Peachez.
Next, Nicki finally arrives in a black and white captain’s hat with a pink perm. Jesaiah is 16 and sings “Settle Down” by Kimbra. During her performance, alarms go off and everyone starts to abandon ship. It appears Stephanie did, in fact, set fire to the rain.
Kidding. There was a fire, but apparently, it was handled. Jesaiah starts over, the judges like her and she’s going to Hollywood. Meanwhile, I can’t stop staring at Mariah’s breasts.
The next things we see: Spooky Queen Mary and Ryan Seacrest getting haunted. Bad singing and a guy who I think is playing the spoons.
Micah Johnson is going to Hollywood, I’ll say it now. When he had his tonsils removed, the doctor accidentally damaged his nerves and left him with a speech impediment. OK, this is actually quite sad.
Mariah would like you to know that she has also faced struggles.
Micah auditions with “Chicken Fried” by the Zac Brown Band. He sings wonderfully, with no impediment at all, and Keith is moved to harmonize with him. Big hearts emanate from my eyes for Keith. Mariah is crying and Micah is going to Hollywood.
DAY 2 in Long Beach
Mariah has contained her boobs in a pink dress from the Alexis Bellino collection.
Rachel Hale is from Arkansas and is smart enough to know how much mileage she can get from that Southern accent of hers. She sings “Get Ready,” smiling in between verses like she’s done pageants. The judges love her spirit and singing. Mariah gushes something about how this girl already knows who she is. I didn’t realize self-identification played such a key role in the audition process.
I notice that Mariah and Nicki are sitting next to each other. Keith is back to his trademark low-cut shirts, giving the ladies what they like.
Curly-haired girl Brianna is only 16 years old and tells the judges she was severely bullied, “Wow,” Nicki flatly replies. When she was 10, Brianna went on Maury to sing in a purple cocktail dress in a segment about talented kids. After the show aired, she was teased mercilessly — again, for being on Maury. How in the world could her parents have foreseen that?
Brianna tells the judges, “Things have definitely gotten better.” What better place to avoid exposing yourself to bullies than to come on American Idol? She sings Patty Griffin‘s “Up To The Mountain,”, causing Mariah to clasp her hands.
In fact, Mariah is giving such amazing face right now as she showcases some stunning earrings from her QVC collection. However, nothing she does here will ever come close to the award-winning performance she delivered on the Home Shopping Network. But I digress.
Brianna gets all yeses and promptly goes back to school, where a gang of kids are waiting to beat her up.
Matheus is from Atlanta and moved to Los Angeles to be an entertainer. He’s very short. Ryan feels his pain. Matheus gets emotional and sings “Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke. There’s a lot of crying and he gets a golden ticket.
A request: Can someone please make a wall of GIFs of Mariah looking angelic?
Next week, we’re going to Oklahoma, where we’ll be reminded how much Keith likes to say the word “tone.”