There are a lot of things we really love about Lady Gaga —her bone-chillingly powerful voice, inventive lyricism and fearless creativity, for example — but perhaps our favorite thing about her is how she talks like a character in a hilariously bad movie all the time, all self-serious gravity and withering one-liners. It’s so great! And yikes, if you read the New York Post‘s coverage of her recent deposition in a lawsuit filed against Gaga by her former personal assistant, Jennifer O’Neill, Gaga delivered some absolutely brutal Sorkinesque takedowns.
In brief: O’Neill worked as one of Gaga’s personal assistants from 2009 through 2011; she was salaried at $75,000 a year but wasn’t paid overtime; she’s now suing Gaga for $393,000 in overtime pay. This may come as a surprise, but that didn’t sit well with the highly principled Mother Monster. Let’s look at some of Gaga’s best moments from the deposition!
1. Jennifer O’Neill is not the queen. Lady Gaga is the queen.
Gaga called O’Neill “a fucking hood rat who is suing me for money that she didn’t earn” and claimed that O’Neill “thinks she’s just like the queen of the universe.” But there’s a very good reason why that didn’t work out: “She didn’t want to be a slave to one, because in my work and what I do, I’m the queen of the universe every day.”
2. Jennifer O’Neill embarrassed Lady Gaga in front of Terry Richardson, and that is literally unforgivable.
Gaga and O’Neill had some tension on a private jet when O’Neill tried to sleep in one of the two beds on the plane, which were usually reserved for guests or Gaga’s family: “I said, ‘Jennifer, this is really inappropriate in front of Terry Richardson’… when your best friend looks you in the eye and says ‘Why can’t I have that seat on your private plane, I’m your friend,’ the first thing I thought was ‘You’re not my fucking friend.’”
Okay! First of all, there is no such thing as “inappropriate in front of Terry Richardson.” That’s impossible. We could spend a thousand years dreaming up the most depraved, despicable, socially graceless, The Aristocrats-level shit imaginable and it would not be “inappropriate in front of Terry Richardson.” The only thing that’s inappropriate in front of Terry Richardson is his mustache, which is literally in front of Terry Richardson and is inappropriate because when people look at it, they feel violated. Terry Richardson will be fine.
Also, is there, like, some kind of etiquette guide for when you’re traveling on a private jet with a global superstar that we missed? No? Didn’t think so.
3. Jennifer O’Neill took the luxuries of Lady Gaga’s lifestyle for granted.
“Because she slept in Egyptian cotton sheets every night, in five-star hotels, on private planes, eating caviar, partying with Terry Richardson all night, wearing my clothes, asking YSL to send her free shoes without my permission, using my YSL discount without my permission.”
These are some of the things that O’Neill got to do when she worked for Gaga, which is cool, but really, like, who wants to party with Terry Richardson?
4. Jennifer O’Neill should have known that working for Lady Gaga wasn’t going to be easy.
Hey! Wanna be Lady Gaga’s personal assistant? No, actually, you don’t — you’d be happier sticking with that desk job. As Gaga very sagely explains: “You don’t get a schedule that is like you punch in and you can play fucking Tetris at your desk for four hours and then you punch out at the end of the day. This is — when I need you, you’re available.” No Tetris allowed.
5. Jennifer O’Neill does not deserve this money, because she will spend it on tube tops.
Gaga said that rather than giving the nearly $400,000 sum to O’Neill, she’d rather give it with her employees who have been loyal: “I’m not going to give it to her so she can go to Intermix and buy herself a new tube top,” Gaga snapped.
As all true fans know, you should never buy a $400,000 tube top from Intermix; you should only spend $400,000 on a tube top if it’s been hand-stitched by Thierry Mugler‘s blind aunt and blessed with the tears of Laurieann Gibson, or whatever.
[via The New York Post]