Chris Brown is scheduled to appear in court today (February 6) after details of his fight with Frank Ocean were made public and new allegations that he may have lied about his court-ordered community service emerged. Breezy is not pleased with these developments, so he took to Instagram and posted a lengthy rant about “it” (the fight and its fallout, presumably). In other news, Chris Brown apparently doesn’t know what Instagram is for.
Since his account is now private, the world almost maybe didn’t have to be exposed to this, but, alas, this is the Internet and E! captured a screenshot for all to see. And, wow, it is just a load of brain-meltingly self-indulgent and self-pitying crap (“when am I gonna get a positive outcome out of anything I do?”). Chris Brown is many things — violent and well-choreographed come to mind — but I think more than anything he’s an enormous drama queen. And these seven laughable quotes from his post prove it.
1. While it’s easy to confuse the two, Chris Brown has done us a favor and confirmed that he is NOT Jesus Christ.
“they talked about Jesus…” he writes. We’re not sure who “they” are, but a few days ago, Brown posted a picture of Jesus on the cross, so “they” are only talking about it because of Breezy’s prompt. ANYWAY, he clears it all up: “‘him’ I am not him, not even close!!!”
2. Chris Brown is wise, because he says so.
“Im wise I can handle the hate but enough is enough yo!!” Yes, exactly, enough IS enough. That’s what everyone’s been saying this whole time, dude. But you’re wise, so you knew that.
3. If Chris Brown seems on edge, it’s only because he’s making an album.
He wrote: “no im not gonna relax im makin an album right now.” Look, you need to break a few eggs to make an omelette, and Breezy needs to break a few faces to make his art. It’s called “the creative process,” people. Just stay out of his way when he’s on a new album cycle and you’ll be fine.
4. Chris Brown isn’t going to play the victim.
“I’m not gonna sit here and play victim.” Remember that, it’s an important one.
5. Chris Brown is going to play the victim, because his life is SUPER HARD.
A few lines after saying he’s not playing the martyr card: “when everything seems to be going good some new shit happens.. A day in my shoes is a day in hell, believe it or not!”
6. Chris Brown doesn’t quite understand positive reinforcement or behavioral incentives. But he’s wise.
He laments: “when am I gonna get a positive outcome out of anything I do? when can I get that feed back?” Humans aren’t entitled to a positive outcome from anything they do. In fact, they’re not even entitled to a postive outcome from positive things they do. But, it is possible to game the system in your favor: to increase your chances of positive outcomes, refrain from punching people.
7. Chris Brown gets his celebrity news from the radio.
When you’re a celebrity these days, it’s hard to ignore all the gossip when you can instantly Google yourself or head to Twitter to find a barrage of hateful comments. Especially when you’re a celebrity known for punching people. But Chris Brown blames radio, that most unavoidable, ubiquitous, essential medium for today’s celebrity news. “yall tell me not to pay attention to it how can I not when its on my radio,tv and everything else..Even if I did relax I wouldn’t stop hearing about it.”
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